When Elden Ring was first revealed at E3 2019, I had no idea it would become so special to me. I remember cheering with glee when Hidetaka Miyazaki's name first appeared on-screen, then gasping at the name that followed: George R.R. Martin.
Before I could fathom a collaboration between these two creative powerhouses, a foreboding voice cut out from the trailer: "I doubt you could even imagine it."
Not just a game
How Elden Ring's Shadow of the Erdtree DLC got me through my darkest days
That turned out to be true; I had no idea what was coming at the time, but I'm not the same person as I was before Elden Ring came out.
In 2020, severe bouts of depression led me to give up on myself. I lost more and more motivation each day, every little light within me either flickering weakly or already snuffed. I would lay slumped in bed, body held hostage by mind.
At my lowest, I scratched and clawed just to hold onto life. I would rewatch the Elden Ring announcement trailer, reminding myself that I had to stick around to play this game. No matter what, I promised myself I would pull through this world so I could experience theirs.
Elden Ring's reveal offered tantalizing first glimpses of The Lands Between, from rampaging general Radahn to the lurid body horror of Godrick the Grafted. But the character who gripped my attention hardest was the red-haired goddess in golden Valkyrie armor, who we now know as one of the toughest bosses in any of the best FromSoftware games: Malenia.
Witness true horror
Several years later, I found myself standing in front of Malenia. For years she was just an image in a trailer. Would she be able to live up to my hopes as a boss?
Fear turned to panic as she purposefully strode toward me and began unleashing a flurry of attacks. Chaining rapid slashes into long, unbroken aerial combos. I was in awe. I was galvanised. Suddenly my life's mission was not simply to stay alive, but to land a hit on Malenia.
When I managed to strike her with my poison-infused Antspur Rapier, she responded with Waterfowl Dance, and amidst the whirlwind of blades I howled with laughter. Her life bar was going up? She was actually healing from my meager damage every time she landed a hit on me. It was the first big chuckle I'd had in years.
After hundreds of failed attempts, there was a point where the intro of her fight would strike dread into my heart. But then I noticed that dread and fear sit very close to excitement; I was feeling all those emotions because I finally cared about something again.
Rather than submitting to Scarlet Rot, Malenia shouldered the life-long burden and is stronger for it. Though her tragedy is written in scars and sacrifice, her story of loss is also a story of resilience. She is both afflicted and defiant, a warrior who embraces her pain and continues to walk forward while carrying the weight of her curse. To me, Malenia is a statement that reads: if I can live through this, I can live through anything.
Thanks to Malenia, I can now see that I am strong enough to endure the darkness of depression, even on the days when I can barely stand. Her backstory helped me to understand that unbreakable will can blossom from the most harrowing of places, and such resolve is instrumental in fighting against your own demons.
Her final words – "your strength... extraordinary" – gripped my heart tightly when I finally heard her utter them. More than a line of dialog from a boss fight, these words remind me just how far I've come since the Elden Ring trailer was released.
Hope, anew
Dread and fear sit very close to excitement; I was feeling all those emotions because I finally cared about something...
I had to respec my character to defeat Malenia, casting away the Bloodhound Fang and Golden Halberd I had grown so attached to. But once I threw off the shackles of my familiar build, I made more progress and chalked up another Elden Ring life lesson: don't be afraid to try new things.
With seven years having passed since the first Elden Ring announcement trailer, I rewatched it recently and reflected on all the ways in which I've grown thanks to this game. It taught me a level of patience and perseverance that helps me deal with depression every day. As it turns out, repeatedly dying in The Lands Between is a great way to learn how to live.
While I might never get better, Elden Ring taught me that there's always a way to get good. My brain may still become an unwelcome place thanks to mental illness, but this game has shown me how, with ceaseless effort and unflinching grit, a hostile world can become home.
Hunting for your next round of pain? Check out some of the best games like Elden Ring to put your action-RPG skills to the test.
