Opinions are like assholes - assholes are everywhere
Now that The Force Awakens is out on DVD and Blu-ray (in the US at least - UK fans will have to wait until April 18), it stands to reason that thousands of people are going to go to an Amazon product page and post their thoughts on the film as a sort of mental exorcism. This is just life now. As a sort of anthropological experiment, I was sent into the deepest depths of the Amazon reviews section to pick out some of the less positive examples that have been popping up. I'll spare you from the torrent of misogyny, homophobia and racism I came across, because I'm a shell of a human now and I wouldn't like to do that to to anyone else. Instead, please enjoy a guided tour through the most purely furious reactions to Star Wars 7. PLEASE NOTE: There are spoilers and spelling errors from this point onwards. You have been warned.
Ozboy: "this was a rehash of the first movie similarities are 1. Person lives on desert planet 2.Important droid come into their possession 3. they leave the planet in the same space ship 4.meet up with the rebel alliance 5 blow up the death star in the case of the new movie a fixed planet with a flame that travels thousands of miles to destroy planets on the hit list. Lift your game Disney VERY VERY disappointed in a land far far away." The remake complaint is by far the most common 1-star review you'll stumble across, although Ozboy here has shown an admirable restraint - most of them run to thousands of misspelled words long.
Entertainment Lover: "This is what you get when JJ Abrams takes a big dump on Star Wars. A big ol steaming pile of turd." And here's the other end of the spectrum - short, scatalogical insults. It's at least logically sound - if you dumped on something and it didn't leave a steaming turd, I'd argue you should be even more worried. Speaking of being worried, Abrams should feel pretty nervous after this one - Entertainment Lover loves entertainment and even they couldn't stand the film.
Aleksandar Perovic: "The amount of plagiarism contained in this movie is staggering, probably a world record. It is the exact replica of the first SW movie "A new hope". Even the title "The force awakens" have the same meaning as the original title. Terrible." I sure hope Aleksandar is a Guinness judge, because that world record thing is a pretty bold claim. That said, he clearly knows than me, because I have no idea how you can see "A New Hope" and "The Force Awakens" as having the same meaning.
MOVIE FAN: "This nonsense about it making so much money is turning out to be one of the biggest hoaxes in film history, and if you don't want to believe me, just read up IMDB (internet movie data base) and search IMBD PRO in the added information and box office details, and it has verified what I saw in the "sparsely filled movie auditorium". Even George Lucas has admitted this is not making much money. STAR WARS THE FLOP! has laid a giant egg and is going down as an even worse film dud than HOWARD THE DUCK from the 1980's." This review was much, much longer, but I couldn't miss out the brilliant conspiracy theory angle. Everyone you know who saw the film in sold-out screens? Liars. Agents of chaos seeded in society, programmed from birth for precisely this purpose. Episode VII made £9, total, and only MOVIE FAN has had the scales lifted from their eyes.
TSW: "If only they had followed the books, this might of been good. No Grand Admiral Thrawn? No Jorus C'Baoth? No Dorsk 82? No Niles Ferrier? No Katana Fleet? No Mara Jade? So many great story lines they could of pursued. What I really dislike most was how LAZY the writing and acting was in this." 'You know what I can't stand? Lazy writing. You know what they should have done? Nabbed all of the characters and plot points from the books. Now that's imagination!'
Carl: "Go ahead and hate me for reviewing a movie I have not watched. I don't care. But I already know the entire plot line from beginning to end, the name of every chatacter and everything about the making of this movie. I've read countless other reviews on it and have done extensive research enough to know I'll be not only saving my money but also my childhood memories by not ever seeing this film in my life. So there you have it, thanks to a day and age wth quick and easy Internet access where I can have my buddies named YouTube, Google and Wikipedia help me screen films before deciding if I want to see them, I have collected enough knowledge to say we should get rid of this movie and send it to a galaxy far far away that no one ever visits." Ah the age-old story: Man ruins film for himself, refuses to have informed opinion, blames film. Beautiful.
Amazon Customer: "Disney sucks it again. My daughter no longer likes Frozen, largely because I never got her the Blu Ray. Why? Because I don't waste my money on movies when I can't get the version that I want." Now, to be fair, this is one of the only negative reviews of the Blu-Ray that actually concentrates on the product itself - the lack of a 3D option has made Amazon Customer very upset. But I just can't shake the horrible image of their unhappy daughter at school being forced to fake-mime the words to "Let It Go" as all her friends sing it long and loud. This is the dark side of consumer advocacy, people.
kd: "As a huge star wars fan I couldn't wait to go and see this film but I left the cinema feeling more depressed than r2d2 rey was irritating leia looked a mess luke waste of time kylo ren looked more frightening without the mask off total munter and then killed off my favourite character should have left it alone!!!!!" Not only is this a perfect representation of half of the 1-star reviews, but I cannot stop laughing at "total munter". This is the example to follow, haters.
Buffbell: "What can I say what hasn't been said already about how disappointing this film is, so I'm not going to bother. [writes 19 more lines of furious criticism]" I think this is my favourite kind of angry review, the one where someone came along simply to agree with the seething masses. Then something broke inside. Soon they were surrounded by coffee cups and splints for their broken fingers, with only a bloodstained keyboard and a mini-essay titled "MORE LIKE THE FORESKIN AWANKENS HAHA" to their name.
Amazon Customer for a really long time: "Dumb dumb... dum dum dum dumbbbb dumb, dum dum dum dumb dumbbbb... dum dum dum dumb." OK, this one's pretty good.