Overboard (1987)
The Love Story: Goldie Hawn, suffering from acute amnesia is buoyed by the arrival of Kurt Russell’s kindly handyman into her life.
The Weird: We haven’t really given you the whole story there. Because what actually happens is that Kurt cons Goldie into believing the pair are married, and takes her home to live with him. Just to clarify, Kurt Russell is the hero in the movie…
Better Match: She should shack up with the equally sweet and trusting Forrest Gump, whilst he should be banged up for many a year.
Superman (1978)
The Love Story: Lois and Clark are co-workers. After spending hour upon hour together they fall in love. Happens every day…
The Weird: Clark is actually an all-powerful alien, who sneaks about fighting crime behind Lois’s back. Even when he does eventually tell her the truth, he minimises the damage by wiping their whole affair from her memory!
Better Match: Wonder Woman would be a far better match. Then again, Clark is quite conservative and she does dress like a bit of a tart…
Venus (2006)
The Love Story: Peter O’Toole plays game old geezer Maurice, an older gentleman who finds himself enjoying a new lease of life when he meets his best mate’s young niece Jessie.
The Weird: We should mention that Maurice is eighty, making him old enough to be Jessie’s granddad and then some. Moreover she allows him a bit of a perve in order to get what she wants. It all turns out to be very heartwarming come the end credits but it’s plenty weird along the way.
Better Match: Maurice should look up Ann Reid’s character from The Mother . The two could discuss their appreciation of the younger physical form…
Harold & Maude (1971)
The Love Story: An age-defying May-December relationship between a disillusioned young man and a rebellious old woman. Proof that love knows know bounds.
The Weird: He’s barely out of short trousers and she’s seventy nine. We’re as liberal as the next film magazine but seriously…it’s a tad icky.
Better Match: Hang on, maybe Maude and Maurice should get together. She’ll have to shift Ann Reid now though…
The Little Mermaid (1989)
The Love Story: Ariel, the titular mermaid, longs to be human, not least because she has fallen madley in love with dashing Prince Eric. Oh to be a land-lubber eh Ariel?
The Weird: Whichever way you look at it, Eric basically winds up marrying a fish. Fair play to him for being so open-minded, but quite frankly we’re worried what the kids will look like…
Better Match: She should have stayed under the sea (where we have it on good authority that life is much better) and married an enterprising young fish. Nemo perhaps? No, that’s still weird…
King Kong (2005)
The Love Story: Man’s best friend may be the dog, but woman’s best friend? Well he is surely ape! That’s certainly the case with Ann Darrow and her furry protector Kong. Women like a partner who can look after them, and no man can protect a lady better than a giant ape.
The Weird: It’s doomed from the start given that they can’t, y’know, do stuff. Well we assume not anyway. There were a few tender moments on Skull Island…
Better Match: Poor old Kong would have had an easier ride cosying up to a T-Rex than getting mixed up with those pesky humans. Lesson learned.
Max, Mon Amour (1986)
The Love Story: Not much of a love story but a romance of sorts as Charlotte Rampling puts one over on husband Peter Jones by taking a chimpanzee as a lover.
The Weird: There are plenty of ways to piss off your other half. You could rip up his shirts, scratch his DVDs or just kick him in the crotch. There’s no need to get a chimp mixed up in your domestic. It’s just not fair.
Better Match: We don’t know about Rampling, but Max the chimp should get out as fast as he can. He’d be better off with Suzanne, that nice Orangutan from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back .
Big (1988)
The Love Story: Tom Hanks’ big kid falls for the comely Elizabeth Perkins, who responds to his childish innocence and love of life.
The Weird: When we described Hanks’ character as big kid, we meant it literally. He’s a 13-year-old boy who shares a sexual encounter with a 27-year-old woman. There’s definitely something a little off with that!
Better Match: We’d pair him up with Lindsay Lohan’s character from Freaky Friday . By which we mean Jamie Lee Curtis. Dammit, now we’re confused…
Star Wars (1977)
The Love Story: Luke is pretty taken with the feisty Leia from the word go, and finally gets what he wants when she gives him a big kiss “for luck”. Ooh, we’ve got a feeling about those crazy kids.
The Weird: Wait a minute, aren’t they brother and sister? Oh God…
Better Match: Leia should just have stuck to Han. Incest never has a happy ending…
What Women Want (2000)
The Love Story: Mel Gibson’s chauvinistic ad-man learns the error of his ways when he falls in love with co-worker Helen Hunt. See, Men can change for the love of a good woman.
The Weird: He seduces her by reading her mind. He’s not intuitive and understanding, he’s basically had a look at her diary and worked out what she likes. The scoundrel!
Better Match: Mel could swap mind-reading stories with Jean Grey. And she could kill him when he started with the racist stuff…
