Return To Me (2000)
The Love Story: When poor David Duchovny loses his wife in a car crash, he is understandably struck down with grief. Over time he realises he must move on, and finally falls in love with nice Minnie Driver. How lovely.
The Weird: What we haven’t mentioned is that Minnie was at death’s door until she received Duchovny’s dead wife’s heart in an organ transplant. And yet he’s still happy to go out with her? What a freak!
Better Match: He could settle down with the Bride of Frankenstein, provided she wouldn’t mind being filled up with all his wife’s old organs.
The Wolfman (2010)
The Love Story: Lawrence and Gwen, star-crossed lovers divided by the terrible condition of the former. Will true-love conquer all?
The Weird: There’s the obvious issue that he’s a werewolf and she’s a rather delectable human lady, but on top of that, Gwen was engaged to Lawrence’s late brother. What sort of loyalty is that?
Better Match: Poor old Lawrence would be happier living in the wild with the girl from Ginger Snaps . Awooooooo!
Planet Of The Apes (2001)
The Love Story: Marky Mark is a long way from home, but Helena Bonham Carter’s comely young ape soon takes his mind off things…
The Weird: The human/ape love-affair is Hollywood’s favourite brand of inter-species canoodling, but we maintain that it’s just plain weird. Although if we had to do it with the ape, we’d probably go for one that looked a bit like Helena Bonham Carter.
Better Match: He and Ann Darrow should couple-up and sort out this monkey business once and for all…
Underworld (2003)
The Love Story: It’s bad enough that vampire Selene has fallen in love with a human, but when he is turned into a Lycan (sworn enemy of the vampire) things go from bad to worse! That’s love for you though…never easy.
The Weird: She’s a vampire who fancies a human…who then becomes a werewolf. It makes Twilight look straightforward!
Better Match: Why can’t Selene settle down with a vamp and save herself the trouble. She should get her teeth into Edward Cullen and sort out Bella Swan’s problems at the same town.
Starman (1984)
The Love Story: Jeff Bridges plays an alien who comes to Earth and gradually forms a tentative relationship with newly widowed Karen Allen.
The Weird: It’s not so much that Bridges is an alien, but that he decides to inhabit the corpse of Allen’s recently deceased husband. Weirder still is the fact that she falls in love with him. In fairness, her head is probably all over the place…
Better Match: Is there a shortage of hot alien women? No, there’s not. We’ll be generous and tee him up with Natasha Henstridge of Species …
Beauty & The Beast (1991)
The Love Story: A cursed prince must win the love of a fair maiden in order to shed his beastly appearance. Fortunately, he’s found just the girl in Belle…
The Weird: Not only is Beast, well, beastly, he also keeps poor old Belle locked up in his castle for an inordinate amount of time. One bout of Stockholm Syndrome later and he’s bagged himself a wife. There’s something not quite right with this picture…
Better Match: She’s surely be much happier with one of Disney’s more eligible suitors. Aladdin perhaps? Someone a little less controlling…
Weird Science (1985)
The Love Story: Nerdy teen Wyatt appears to have found his soulmate in the form of the stunningly beautiful Lisa. Well, we say soulmate…we mean someone who’ll let him kiss them.
The Weird: Not only did Wyatt create Lisa out of a Barbie doll and some computer wizardry, she’s clearly got a good few years on him in the age department. Weirder still is that as a teenage boy, he doesn’t try and touch her boobs…
Better Match: We’ll match Lisa with fellow fish-out-of-water Encino Man. Thank us later dude.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
The Love Story: Poor, sheltered Edward finally finds someone who will love him in the form of sweet-natured teen Kim. Somebody’s got her eye on a lifetime of free haircuts…
The Weird: We don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this but he’s got scissors for hands! The wedding night could be a potential bloodbath!
Better Match: Edward needs a similarly macabre soulmate, preferably one from Tim Burton’s barmy imagination. What about Sally the ragdoll? Actually no, that’s a recipe for disaster…
Meet Joe Black (1998)
The Love Story: Claire Forlani gets a second bite of the cherry when the recently deceased man she has taken a shine to miraculously returns at her door. How romantic!
The Weird: Sadly, Forlani’s beau is actually Death in disguise. Think about that for a second. When the two finally smooch, she’s essentially tonguing a reanimated corpse…
Better Match: Who to pair off Death with…how about his old pal God? The one that looks like Alanis Morisette obviously…unless Death and God are gay? What are we talking about…
Galaxy Quest (1999)
The Love Story: A pioneering relationship between humans and Thermians, as the lovely Lailari chooses to stay on Earth to be with her lover Fred. Bless.
The Weird: As we mentioned, Lailari is a Thermian, and comes equipped with more than a few tentacles. Still, should make for an interesting time in the bedroom!
Better Match: Despite the potential ickiness, these two are actually one of the cutest couples on the list. As a result, we say leave them to it. It takes all sorts you know…
