Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Because the late, great Russ Meyer is no longer with us, and it’s difficult to see who would be able to recreate his particular brand of T&A-soaked mayhem for a modern audience. Tarantino was reportedly keen at one point, but having already covered the exploitation genre with Death Proof , it seems unlikely that he would go back on himself here.
If They Have To Do It: QT would be a fine (the only?) choice to direct, and how good would Angelina Jolie be as a replacement for Tura Satana?
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: You’d really need to be a glutton for punishment to try and force Anthony Burgess’ cocktail of drugs, rape and ultraviolence past the BBFC for a second time, particularly now they seem to be getting all twitchy about sexual violence again. Factor in the inimitable brilliance of the original, and you’ve got a very tricky sell indeed.
If They Have To Do It: Set it in parallel version of modern-day Britain, where gangs of middle-class psychopaths have begun terrorising the streets, and council estates have become the safest places around.
The Birth Of A Nation (1915)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Because it’s a profoundly offensive slice of racially prejudiced tosh, riddled with historical inaccuracies and venerated by the Ku Klux Klan. Somehow we can’t see it going down a storm in today’s society.
If They Have To Do It: Hand the reigns to Spike Lee and turn it into a comedy, exposing the gross ignorance of the original and its advocates.
The Harry Potter Series (2001-2011)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: We wouldn’t object to a remake on grounds of quality. Heaven knows the first two films could do with a bit of work on the acting front! However, having spent seven (soon to be eight) films watching the same actors play the same parts, it would be nigh-on impossible to cast anyone else! So omnipresent is the image of Daniel Radcliffe as Harry, its difficult even to read the books without imagining him as the lead. Casting another actor in the role? Never going to happen.
If They Have To Do It: The only way we could see this working is by transforming it into a television series, allowing more time to be devoted to the intricacies and detail of Rowling’s sprawling odyssey.
To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: It’s an utter masterpiece, but as mentioned before, that alone is not enough to ward off a remake. The setting however, might be. A period remake would probably be too pointless to make for a viable project, whilst any attempt to relocate the tale to a modern setting would surely strip it of its civil rights resonance.
If They Have To Do It: It’s a real struggle to think of anyone who could recapture Gregory Peck’s combination of warmth, decency and determination. Jeff Bridges perhaps?
Bad Taste (1987)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: After the inevitable box office success of the upcoming Hobbit movie, we can just imagine some bright spark sifting through Peter Jackson’s back catalogue in search of remake-fodder. However, this early splatter-filled offering could only be considered as a last resort. As great as it is, it’s about an alien fast-food conglomerate… not exactly Oscar-bait, is it?
If They Have To Do It: Make all the alien content motion-captured, and cast Andy Serkis in every role.
The Sound Of Music (1965)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Week in, week out, mobs of nutters, sorry “fans”, crowd themselves into specially arranged screenings to sing along with Julie Andrews as she takes on the Nazis. Now, imagine the reaction of said fans to the news that the film is being remade, minus all the original stars. Since these fans would be the only ones interested in watching The Sound Of Music again anyway, this is a plan that would be doomed to fail!
If They Have To Do It: There’s only one way to make any money out of this… by sticking the cast of Glee in it. They can sell anything.
Donnie Darko (2001)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: There’s a reason there hasn’t been a glut of teen sci-fi mind-manglers in the wake of Donnie Darko ’s success, and that reason is that they’re bloody difficult to pull off! Richard Kelly’s superbly original film demands repeat viewings to fully decipher what’s going on, and we wouldn’t back anyone but Kelly himself to come up with the definitive explanation. Unless he wants it remade, it simply won’t happen.
If They Have To Do It: We’d like Michael Bay to be placed in charge, if only to see his brain explode at the complexity of the plot.
Toy Story (1995)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Whilst it’s conceivable that Pixar could keep churning out sequel after sequel, surely there would be little point in remaking the original movie? It’s not as if the roles can be recast, after all. That said, we wouldn’t be surprised to see a 3D re-release in the not too distant future.
If They Have To Do It: A live action version in the vein of Night At The Museum would be the only conceivable way of freshening this one up. Not that we want it to happen, you understand!
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Tim Burton’s gothic fantasy was a true one-off. Where could a remake possibly take the story that wasn’t already covered first time around? A sequel, whilst not exactly desirable, would at least offer a chance to see what became of one of Burton’s best-loved characters.
If They Have To Do It: Since Edward doesn’t age, we’d need a digitally de-aged Johnny Depp in the lead role. It’s not like he’s getting bored with playing charming eccentrics, is it?
