Titanic/300
Poster A: James Cameron's Titanic is supposedly the highest grossing film in history, if you ignore all that inflation stuff. Winning 11 Oscars and ensuring Celine Dion is hated by legions of music fans everywhere, Titanic is the epic that sank all epics.
Poster B: Accused of putting style, and muscle, before substance, Zach Snyder's anally faithful apatation of Frank Miller's graphic novel 300 is the tale of mighty Spartan warriers, tiny leather hotpants and a lot of sweat, blood and shouty Scots.
The Mash-Up: With the persians eventually defeated and the Spartans threatened by the new democratic and united Greece, they set sail aboard an anachronistic vessel of unsinkable reputation, stocked up on ale and looking for a fight, and possibly a curry.
Questing to wherever a battle may lie, they run afoul of the one thing even Spartans can't master when their not-so-trusty iron vessel is torn open by a rather large iceberg. Creative to the very end, they at least manage to invent the cocktail by adding ice to a mix of berries and liquer.
Das Boot/Yellow Submarine
Poster A: Das Boot brilliantly captures the fear and claustrophobia of serving on a German U-Boat, and examines the mental ramifications of living in a constant state of paranoia.
Poster B: Acid-fuelled Beatles trip aboard the titular underwater laugh craft, Yellow Submarine is both annoyingly catchy and headache-inducing, as the Sub Fab Four journey to liberate Pepperland from the Blue Meanies. Like we said, drugs.
The Mash-Up: Devilishly sneaky Brit spies have managed to contaminate the supplies on a German U-boat with LSD, and now the crew are on a duck hunt of Moby Dick proportions as they attempt to dig a watery grave for ze banana U-boat.
With more wackiness than a Werner Herzog Christmas and more holes than a sunken junk, this mash-up could possibly be the most entertaining stoner movie of all time - not that TotalFilm.com knows anything about that.
Dr Strangelove / Love Actually
Poster A: Satirising the nuclear paranoia of the cold war, and starring Peter Sellers in more roles than an Eddie Murphy Klumps sequel, Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb is hailed by many as the greatest political satire of all time.
Poster B: Richard Curtis, old romantic and writer of some of the fluffiest dialogue known to romcoms, set out to make an interwoven tale featuring ten stories of love, each with a different angle on the subject. He succeeded in one, the adulterers tale with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman.
The Mash-Up: Dr. Strangelove Actually: Or How I Learned To Stop Watching Richard Curtis Films And Hope That They Would Bomb sounds like a delightful anti-romcom, a satire of the romantic cliches of modern society, a dig at saccharine depictions of heart-based affairs.
We still think the poster masher missed a gambit by not having 'You can't make love in here, this is the bedroom!' as his strapline - and the image of Slim Pickens astride a massive dildo as it falls to Earth is just too good not to feature.
Jaws/Titanic
Poster A: The movie that made millions fear the water - and made Steven Spielberg a household name - Jaws invented the modern blockbuster. Starring Roy Schieder, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw and a big bloody shark name Bruce, it's simply one of the most iconic films ever made.
Poster B: 'That boat movie' made James Cameron so maniacal he proclaimed himself 'King Of The World' and spent the next 12 years developing the equipment and script to make Avatar, a film set on a different planet where his ego has room to stretch its legs.
The Mash-Up: The Titanic achieves sentient form approximately 30 seconds before the iceberg intrusion. Split in two and with it's soul torn apart, the bow of the ship now trawls the seas in search of the stern, in the hope of one day reuniting to complete it's maiden voyage.
Growing bitter and jealous of boats with an intact hull, the bow prowls shipping lanes, picking off stray vessels to sate its murderous thirst for revenge. Eventually a small crew in an undersized fishing vessel smite the leviathan, while leaving poor sequels a distinct possibilty.
Kes/Transporter 3
Poster A: Based on the book by Barry Hines, Ken Loach's beloved classic tells the story of working-class Northern outcast Billy Casper, who makes a friend in Kes, a coincidentally named kestrel.
Poster B: Unnecessary threequel sees the premise of Jason Statham's titular wheelman needing to stay within close proximity to his vehicle or be blown to bits stretched thinner than his follicles.
The Mash-Up: Not sure where the masher was attempting to go with this one, but top marks for creativity - that's thinking outside the box-office for you. Inspired to better himself through his relationship with Kes, Billy goes postal when - SPOILER! - Kes is killed by his half-brother Jud.
Armed to the teeth and with nothing to lose, Billy cuts his way through half of Barnsley, spitting more lead than a Yorkshire mine. Finally catching up with his no good semi-relation, Billy literally makes his half brother half a brother when he cuts him in two with forklift.
The Godfather / Pinocchio
Poster A: The son of a powerful crime boss is reluctantly handed control of the clandestine empire in Francis Ford Coppola's film version of the Mario Puzo bestseller. A classic film that's helped reinforce negative Italian-American sterotypes for over three decades.
Poster B: Pathological liar and murderer of innocent crickets, Pinnochio is an anthropomorphic puppet brought to life by a wish on a falling star. His big dream: to be a real boy.
The Mash-Up: A reitiring Mafia boss without children brings a puppet to life with a wish he racketeered from poor immigrants. The boy quickly rises through the ranks of the organisation, despite his nose growing every time he commits a crime.
Snow White And The Seven Dwarves/Se7en
Poster A: The first animated feature film produced in America, Snow White is the first of the classic Disney films from the golden age of hand drawn animation. The Queen orders Snow White to be killed after becoming jealous of her beauty, but Snow White survives and goes to live with seven friendly dwarf fellas.
Poster B: Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman play detectives on the trail of a sadistic killer, who uses the deadly sins as his MO, in David Fincher's landmark thriller.
The Mash-Up: The evil queen is driven quite mad with her jealousy of step-daughter Snow White. Failing to have her killed, the Queen murders her seven companions in ways inspired by other fairy tales after she discovers them hiding the girl in the woods.
Snow White must team up with the Woodcutter to stop the Queen before it's too late... but wait... what's in the box?
Spartacus/Being John Malkovich
Poster A: Stanley Kubrick's epic tells the tale of real-life Roman slave and gladiator Spartacus, who becomes the leader of a successful uprising against the Roman Republic and goes on to be played on screen by Kirk Douglas.
Poster B: Charlie Kaufman's calling card about office workers who discover a secret door into the head of actor John Malkovich. Directed with verve and invention by Spike Jonze and featuring some fine Malkovich grumping.
The Mash-Up: Bored office workers find a tiny door in their office which leads them into the head of Spartacus as he leads the rebellion. The office workers are able to control the gladiator's speech and movement, having him do their bidding before being ejected on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Star Wars/A Clockwork Orange
Poster A: George Lucas' intimate indie is a space saga based on the classic serials of the '30s and '40s. Relatively unseen, we'd recommend it over for the jawbreaking dialogue and improbable physics theory.
Poster B: Alex is the leader of an ultraviolent street gang in futuristic Britain. Arrested for rape and murder, he is made the test subject of an experimental procedure by a Government desperate to 'cure' their violent youth. Alex is released after being apparently washed of his violent tendancies, but the treatment doesn't go to plan once he's back in the real world.
The Mash-Up: Fighting Luke Skywalker's impressive resistance to the dark seduction of the Force, Vader and the Emperor devise a cunning treatment known as the Ludovico Technique, which turns the naive farmhand and Padawan Jedi into an unlikely young man who can't resist girls, ultra-violence, rape and the music of John Williams.
ET/Alien
Poster A: Spielberg's much loved tale of a tiny Alien deserted on Earth and the unlikely friendship he strikes up with a local character actor. Trying to keep ET safe from NASA, the local boy races to get him back to a rendezvous with his ship, though the alien has time to make Drew Barrymore cry before he buggers off.
Poster B: Pitched as 'Jaws in space', Ridley Scott's intense and inventive sci-fi horror has cemented itself firmly in pop iconography, from Sigourney Weaver's tough and taut Ripley to the squirming face-huggers and brutality of the Xenomorph, the film birthed a franchise and - soon - a remake.
The Mash-Up: Accidentally left behind on Earth after a scouting mission or something, a face-hugger encounters a young boy who offers friendship and assistance. It promptly attaches itself to the boy's face and he's hospitalised. Shit very quickly goes south when the Xenomorph bursts from his chest before chowing down on the nurses.
Tinkerbell/Pulp Fiction
Poster A: Tinkerbell is the fairy from Peter Pan who bagged her own spin-off from Disney last year - with two sequels in the works. Tinks is a clean cut, dust-loving fairy of the family-friendly variety.
Poster B: Pulp Fiction is a violent, graphic swear-factory that mixes elements of film noir, crime caper and hard-boiled pulp. With seedy backdrops and anti-heroes in abundance, it's the epitome of cinematic cool.
The Mash-Up: Sitting somewhere between family animation and cult pop phenomenon, the fence is a little hard to envisage, mostly because the usual white picket Disney version would be quickly splattered in blood and bits of brain.
Still, there is something about the image of Tinkerbell ODing on heroin and taking a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart that pleasantly subverts our childhood memories.
Thanks to B3ta for the pics. There's more here .
