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You know that all red things are flammable and very fragile
Red, explosive things are a staple of all your games. Red barrels, gas tanks, pressurized containers, fire extinguishers When a clip of bullets isn't enough, start aiming for the stuff that goes bang. No matter what game youre playing from your extensive library, anything that's red goes boom, and you know it. And its not just about tactical functionality any more. As soon as you see a crimson object, you need to shoot it, just to watch it explode. It doesn't matter if there are enemies around or not. Heck, if there are leftover red barrels laying around after a battle, you shoot them anyway. Otherwise, it's just a waste.
Incongruous paintwork is better than any compass
Who has time to look at a map or figure out how a GPS works? Not you. If you're not running through the environment at absolute top speed, you're not going fast enough. But how do you know where to go without the time to stop and ask for directions? Simple, noob. Follow the colours. The colors always know the way. Cornered in a blocked off hallway? Try opening that unusually orange vent. Not sure where to head next? No problem. Just grab onto that red painted ledge. Can't open a gate? There's got to be a button around that you can press. Oh there, it's the red one right in front of that green arrow painted on the floor.
You swear while gaming at least once every session
You can't help it. No-one can. There isn't a gamer of your ilk who hasn't dropped the F-bomb, the S-word, or sworn to God Almighty a hundred times. It's just the nature of the game. You get frustrated. We understand. Like this one time, there was one bleeping guy that was always camping in the same bleeping spot. We got the bleeper when we respawned, but he went back using that bleeping OP assault rifle so we couldn't get a bleeping shot in without getting lit the bleep up. Bleeping bleepbag.
You've seen more in-game helicopters than real-life cars
There's no better way to arrive at a destination, escape from an incoming zombie horde, or destroy a cavalcade of enemy troops than on board a good old chopper. Catching a ride on one, shooting them out of the sky, or setting one down in a hot LZ is all in a day's work for you. Helicopters are as familiar to you as the back of your own hand. You know all their weak points, how to fly them, and how to perfectly guide a missile into a tail rudder. If it's got rotating blades and landing struts, its more familiar to you than your own family.
Unskippable cutscenes are the bane of your life
Remember what we said about needing to go fast? Well, that applies to the story too. Seriously, come on. Who needs to watch a 5-minute cutscene for character development, plot setup, or a meaningless tutorial when there are hordes of bad guys to kill. Whenever these godforsaken scenes start to crop up, you're already mashing on the controller trying to move on to the action. But wait. Why isn't it working? Oh, maybe it's one of those scenes that takes a few seconds before you get the skip prompt. Still not working. Why can't we skip it? We have to sit through this whole thing? Just let us kill something!
You're an... Action Gamer
You live to kill. Games are about escapism, after all, so why not spend all of your gaming time doing that which you absolutely cannot do in real-life without almost guaranteed arrest and long-term imprisonment? Human beings have innate aggression that can't be unleashed in modern society, so surely a gaming diet of simulated shooting and explodifying is entirely psychologically healthy. And besides, it's fine to massacre 700 people on every adventure if they're the bad guys and you're the goodie.
Not you? Okay then. Head on to the next section and see if it feels more you.
You have an unnatural attachment to your game protagonists
And their love interests, older brother figures, siblings, childhood friends, and begrudging mentors. Youve bled with these characters, youve celebrated with them, youve sat through their 40 hour character development arc as well as the seven-hour side quest that reveals their back story. When given the choice between the world and your dog, youll always choose your four-pawed buddy.
