Rayman (Rayman)
What you'll need: An early 90s Californian and/or Jon Bon Jovi. A large purple maternity dress. One pair of brilliant white gloves. One stylish men's cravat - red. One pair of yellow track/ climbing shoes. One full-length lycra bodysuit - white.
Suit up and send your out-of-work actor/ sandwich board lackey through a gruelling 'Rayman-style' assault course. Murderous Ribena mascots optional.
Sam & Max (Sam & Max Hit the Road)
What you'll need: One Labrador Retriever (police experience a must). One Alaskan Hare. One ill-fitting blue suit, ideally from the 1930s.
This one shouldnt be so hard to do, provided Sam refrains from gutting Max within seconds of meeting him. "Meet you new partner aaaand his neck's on backwards... Good thing he bred several hundred replacements earlier this morning".
Slime (Dragon Quest)
What you'll need: One water balloon - blue. Some type of magical tome, preferably taken from a whimsical children's film.
Recite the proper incantations and bam! Living water balloon. Give your summer vacations a whole new twist by murdering hundreds of sentient creatures! Hurray!
Sly Cooper (Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus)
What you'll need: One 'Procyon Lotor' Raccoon (thieving reprobates welcome). One children's chauffeur outfit - blue. One sidearm holster - red.
Make use of the raccoon's criminal instinct by smuggling it inside of a glitzy casino. Pair with chauffeur's outfit for the ultimate ruse. Walk in as paupers. Stroll out as vermillionaires.
Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog)
What you'll need: One 'Algerian Chocolate' Hedgehog (don't get your hopes up folks, it's just a colour). One heavily irradiated electron (in Cherenkov blue). One pair of miniature track shoes (available as part of the short-lived 'sted head Barbie' collection). A pair of pearly white conductor's gloves. 99 generic wedding rings.
Start by herding your hedgehog into the nearest Intrinsic Field Generator. Realise too late that you're the one who's in the chamber while he mucks about in the adjacent control room. Consider the folly of your actions as your plump, gooey body is ripped atom from atom.
Fox McCloud (StarFox)
What you'll need: One Red/ Swift-breed Fox (pilot's license preferred). One high-performance jet fighter (take your pick). One pair of cutting edge prosthetic legs. One air force regulation jumpsuit, in green. One fantastically 80s jacket (white). One baby's cranium-sized Bluetooth headset. One Heckler & Koch Mark 23 SOCOM pistol.
Lower Mr. McCloud into the cockpit of said fighter jet. Pre-program take-off and landing routines before ordering the total annihilation of Andross. Watch on in horror as Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Andros Townsend is mistakenly blown to bits.
Playing God Mode
If this Pulitzer-winning article proves anything, it's the folly of mankind in attempting to play God, or as the case may be - dress up his pets in adorable wee hats. Leave your gaming mascots up on the screen people! If you've been personally affected by anything in this article or have ever considered performing the aforementioned suggestions then I'd suggest paying a visit a clinical crazy house. For everyone else, scroll on to the comments below to leave your ideas, slurs and rambling accusations. Ciao.
Didn't enjoy this feature? I still want fucking paying. Here are some more features, yeah? Here's one about A History of dinosaurs in the movies and another about How does Assassin's Creed Unity's Paris compare to 8 totally unrelated things.
