Video game mascots... if they were real

It's alive!

Nothing signals 'imminent social collapse' like a range of fashionable clothes for cats, and yet these are the exact same items currently selling out at your local supermarket. It seems the modern world has become way too comfortable with the idea of anthropomorphising its animal chums, to the point where household pets would rather gore their own owners than spend another minute in chintzy knitwear.

Today's big list of things takes a look at video gaming mascots... if they were real. Yes, as in: real animals dressed up in stupid, game-mascot clothes. Of course I really don't have to remind you that the following examples are all awful ideas. Please never attempt to dress a bear and give it a banjo. M'kay?

Banjo (Banjo Kazooie)

What you'll need: One 'Far Eastern Kamchatka' Brown Bear (witty catchphrases optional). One massively corrupt Park Ranger (state of intoxication preferred). One extra-large rucksack - blue. An XXXXXL (US Medium) set of shorts - yellow. One lovingly handcrafted banjo (four-string variety). A fist-sized moonstone necklace - available at all good jewellers.

Begin by gingerly draping your necklace around the shoulders of said bear. Follow that up by soiling yourself profusely and shrieking in terror. Next, vacate the premises and spend the following months musing on your own stupidity, asking a) whether you've finally taken your fandom too far and b) what does a bear need with pants anyway?

Crash (Crash Bandicoot)

What you'll need: One 'Western Barred' Bandicoot (with attitude). One bottle of 'Auburn Fury' hair dye, no. 866. One pair of maroon coloured Converse (size 0.3). One pot of punk-style hair pomade. One set of tan leather driving gloves (fingerless). One pair of generic jean shorts (size -9 waist). A single heavy duty packing crate.

Attempt to ensnare said bandicoot with a large entre of peaches, apples and apricots. If and when that tactic fails you consider kidnapping its mate and/or sister while screaming the word 'Bandicoooooot!' at the top of your lungs. Good stuff, now it's time to kick back, relax and await your inevitable, crushing defeat.

Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong Country)

What you'll need: One infant Mountain gorilla / common chimpanzee (glue a beard to a toddler for all I care, go wild). One Nintendo brand baseball cap - red. One midriff-baring sleeveless t-shirt - red w/ gold star motif.

Despite deceptive deductions doing Diddy doesn't demand difficulty. All you really need is a young monkey and a bit of licensed attire. Still, without that jungle jetpack, what would be the point?

Dizzy (Fantasy World Dizzy)

What you'll need: One free-range egg (the more sentient, the better). One pair of red wellies. One pair of miniature boxing gloves (also red).

Utilise powerful magic and/or mind-expanding narcotics to experience the whimsical adventures of Dizzy. Awake several hours later to find your chum's innards pooling gunge-ily at his sides. Destroy all evidence and retreat into a life of repentance and self-flagellation. Apologise vehemently to every chicken you meet.

Conker (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

What you'll need: One Eurasian Red Squirrel. One authentic royal crown. One jacket - blue. One pair of gloves - white. An inebriated English lecturer.

Sit lil' Conker down in class and hope that he picks up on a few of his teacher's grammatically creative curses. Have him recite these phrases at an impressively blocked toilet.

Kirby (Kirby's Dream Land)

What you'll need: One lab-grown pig's bladder. One 'up-for-anything' scientist.

This one ought to be a cakewalk. Simply infuse said pig's bladder with sentient energy. It really couldn't be any easier!

Lemming (Lemmings)

What you'll need: One Norwegian Lemming. One fun-sized wig - green. One nightgown - blue. One umbrella - red & white. One poorly guarded construction site. A team of uncommonly speedy builders.

Coax that rodent through a series of dangerous mazes, all the while commanding a crew of skilled builders to keep that track going. Continue until satisfied and/or the build gives way beneath your feet, mulching you instantly.

Pac-Man (Pac-Man)

What you'll need: One poorly made golf ball. One tin of acrylic paint - 'waka waka yellow'. Your friendly neighbourhood witchdoctor.

Start by cursing your malformed ball into pellet-popping life. Despair as it quickly consumes your entire medicine cupboard and begins its brutal campaign of consumption.

PaRappa (PaRappa the Rapper)

What you'll need: One deadbeat Beagle with a dream. One beanie hat - orange. One jumper (sweater) - blue.

Pull the old 'Mr. Ed trick' by sloshing Vaseline inside PaRappa's lips. As he begins to lick it off, it'll look a wee bit like he's dropping lyrical bombs. Dub and auto-tune as necessary.

Samuel James Riley
When he's not busy saving small animals from dangerous brush fires, Sam enjoys writing about the weird world of video games. All-time favourites include Half-Life 2, Knights of the Old Republic, GTA: Vice City and Final Fantasy 10. Last year, Sam finally succeeded in besting Rayman 1 for PlayStation, leaving his life utterly without meaning.