Trailer Breakdown: Twilight - New Moon teaser

After a sweeping shot of the Forks coastline, we see Bella and Edward draw up in her truck. "It’s my birthday," asks Bella when they've gotten out. "Can I ask for something?"

Edward starts worrying that she'll ask for a pony. Because he bought her one. And ate it.

R-Patz Fact : Robert thinks he became cool the moment "I discovered hair gel."

"Kiss me?" says Bella, with a sexily arched eyebrow. Edward's only too happy to slip her the tongue. Yuk... kissing. He'll get cooties that way.

We then get some typically Twilight-esque schmaltz from the pair. "I love you," admits Bella.

"You're my only reason to stay alive," replies Edward as we all shout at the screen, "But you're NOT ALIVE, you undead, well-coiffed twonk!"

...If that’s what I am," finishes El Broodo. Oh. Okay, then. Carry on.

R-Patz Fact: Robert's favourite subject at school was English.

Bella is welcomed into the Cullen family home once more for a birthday treat.

"Let’s open your presents," says Alice, excitedly. She's probably glad she didn't say "veins" by mistake.

R-Patz Fact: Robert's father is a car salesman.

"That cake could feed 50. You guys don’t even eat," says a surprised Bella. That's charming, isn't it? They go to all the trouble of making you a cake and you have to go bring their dietary habits into it.

Hope you get a paper cut, or something.

R-Patz Fact: Robert was Entertainment Tonight's 'Top Hunk' of 2008.

"Ow... Paper cut," says Bella as the wrapping paper slices her finger open. Not a good thing around a group of vamps... Or in a salt & vinegar crisp factory, either.

R-Patz Fact: Robert enjoys playing darts.

Whoops... Looks like Jasper just can't keep it together at the sight and smell of blood. He attacks! What a lovely outfit.

R-Patz Fact: Robert was rated 23rd on Moviefone's hottest 25 actors under 25 list in 2008.

In a moment that looks to be shockingly deriviative of the first film/book, Edward shoves Bella out of the way, sending her flying into a table.

Either that, or this is Bella practising her Stephen Chow impression. Could go either way.

R-Patz Fact: One of Robert's sisters, Victoria, works in advertising.

Quick as a flash, Edward shoves Jasper away, damaging a perfectly good piano, that had never done anyone any harm.

R-Patz Fact : Robert began taking piano lessons at the age of three and classical guitar at the age of five.

Bella's bruised, but otherwise unscathed. She tries to talk it off. "What happened with Jasper was nothing," she says, but Edward's having none of it. Typical Edward, always seeing the drama. Must be the hair.

R-Patz Fact: Robert was Yahoo's Top Movie Heart Throb in 2008.

A distrught Bella finds some comfort in digging herself a little nest and having a lie down. At least, we think that's what's going on.

R-Patz Fact: Robert once invited an obsessive fan out to dinner when he was having a bad day.

But there's more problems to come - Laurent has found Bella. And he's in a taunting mood. "How much could you mean to him if… he left you here. Unprotected," he says as he slowly stalks toward her."

R-Patz Fact: Robert beat 3,000 people for the role of Edward Cullen.

"But I can’t help myself. You are so… Mouth-watering." Just like the old Opal Fruits advert. So Bella is... sweets?

With Edward away, looks like Bella's in deep, vampire-flavoured doo doo this time.

R-Patz Fact: Robert was Hello magazine's most attractive man in 2008.

But wait! Fresh from a catalogue modelling session/the gym/The Blue Oyster, here's Jacob Black! He senses the danger. And starts to snarl. What is it, boy? Little Timmy down the well again?

R-Patz Fact: Robert's acting inspiration is Jack Nicholson.

Laurent hears the approach of the snarling lad and halts his romantically-styled attack. But what could Jacob hope to do?

R-Patz Fact: Robert attended Harrodian private school in London.

Surprise! Or, a surprise to anyone who hasn't read the book/seen the first film/read a news story on it/been living somwhere other than Mars... Jacob's a werewolf.

We've grabbed the pic here that shows him mid-transformation. Either that, or it's a wolf who shops at the same store as the Incredible Hulk.

R-Patz Fact: Robert's other sister, Lizzy, has had a top ten hit with her band Aurora.

And the film's "money shot" - Jacob-as--wolf snarls at Laurent (and us). Sadly, the money spent here looks to be about £50 and a packet of pipecleaners.

We likely shouldn't judge on the basis of what are likely early effects but A) Chris Weitz' curse of bad effects seems to be holding post-Golden Compass and B) it looks like a trailer will give the early Land Of The Lost work a run for Dodgiest CGI.

R-Patz Fact: Robert supports Arsenal football club.