9 signs you're playing too much Bloodborne

Bloodborne, eh? What a game. I've personally finished it once and am halfway through my first NG+ experience. Still finding new things, still in absolute awe of its design. Still hurrying home after work, too, so that I can get back into its wonderful world. But I fully admit, that magical weekend when I went from level 60-something to 80-something and finished the game, I might have been playing it what some call 'excessively'.

And that's when I realised I was seeing the world differently. This happens to me sometimes, as I'm sure it does to you. Playing too much Tony Hawk back in the day made me view city streets as potential trick zones. Playing Oblivion made me see hallucinatory 'theft hands' over the contents of my parents' larder. Playing GTA made me look at parked cars as potential... OK, never mind that one. Bloodborne? Well, let's see if any of these sound familiar. If so, you might be playing a little too much...

It's a beautiful day and the sun is blazing down while fluffy clouds scud across the azure skies. But you're indoors, squinting at the screen, trying to see Bloodborne. You can just about make out that you've got 2x Fire Paper ready to rock. Maybe it's time you went outside? Nah, time to close the blinds, mate.

There is always potential for a note. The pathway up to the old people's home, for example (reeks of elderly). The door to the men's toilets (see above). The bowling alley (time for rolling). You can leave helpful notes everywhere you go. And most people will consider them fine.

Surely an energy bar or three is about to appear at the bottom of your vision and something big and nasty is about to jump out. This also extends to not trusting any clergymen. You may also consider asking your local priest what his favourite song is, so you can have it in your phone. Just in case he tries to kill you.

If there's a door in your street that has a lantern like this one outside it, then you should be able to tap on their window. If they scold you and tell you to get lost, that's perfectly acceptable. Just keep tapping until they repeat themselves, then come back later when you have more information that may be of use to them.

Obviously if you're really rich, you already have one of these. In which case... lend us a fiver, yeah?

You can study from home, right? Yeah. Much safer. Although you admit that regularly revisiting a lecture theater will give you better character in the long-run.

Bloodborne's world is so well designed, its lore so absorbing and its graphics so convincing, it feels like a grown-up video game. It feels like it means something. Like you're actually inside a masterpiece work of gothic fiction. And then you load up any other game, in particular third or first-person actioners, and it's just not the same.

If you've been thinking 'that sounds like me' all the way through this feature, that's OK. Up until now. If you have found yourself taking a golden chalice to a graveyard, filling it with ritual blood and all kinds of strange arcane objects (bloodshot eyes, for instance), hoping to be transported to a chalice dungeon, you have definitely been playing too much Bloodborne. And don't worry, you WILL find yourself in a dungeon-like cell. Probably minus a vacuous spider, but you never know.

That man approaching on the same side of the street? He'll be in range of a charged R2 attack in about six seconds. WHOA didn't expect that lady to come out of that doorway just then. R1! R1! Ah, no, they're real people. Don't need to attack any of them. Got it. OH MY GOD THAT DOG SAW ME. Heal! heal! No, not 'heel'...