The Reduced SFX Company present: How To Write An Episode of The Vampire Diaries
TEASER
A TEENAGE BOY and a TEENAGE GIRL (who both look about 30) are making out in a car in the woods.
TEENAGE BOY: Do you think this is our big break into TV?
TEENAGE GIRL: Nah, we’ll be dead before the opening title,
They are DEAD BEFORE THE OPENING TITLES in a scene reminiscent from something from SCREAM . Or SCREAM 2 . Or SCREAM 3. A TOMB VAMPIRE you vaguely recognise from a PREVIOUS EPISODE licks his bloody lips and smiles evilly.
TOMB VAMPIRE: This show’s executive produced by Kevin Williamson, you suckers. Shoulda studied the RULES OF A HORROR MOVIE …
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE 1
BELLA , sorry, ELENA is in her room trying on a dress. A crap American college band track wails on about DIFFICULT CHOICES on the soundtrack. She sighs.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA : How will I ever choose?
Enter her brother, JEREMY . He looks sad.
JEREMY: Choose what?
BELLA , sorry, ELENA : Oh, um, which dress I’m going to wear to the Founders’ First Breadmaking Disaster Centenary Celebration Ball.
JEREMY: Oh, not another bloody social event! How can a town this small have so many social events? Last week it was the High School Sack Race Jamboree. The week before that it was the Annual Baby Throwing Competition. The week before that it was Mystic Falls Trout Decorating Rally. No wonder this show’s called The Vampire Diaries – you need one to keep up with the social calendar.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA : Is that why you’re sad?
JEREMY: No I’m sad because my parents died in a car crash, your boyfriend’s brother turned my girlfriend into a vampire, then your boyfriend killed her, then you wiped my memory, then I fell for another girl who turned out to be a vampire and I, like every other character in this show, have to give these massive info dumps every week because the plot’s so convoluted.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA: You think your plotline’s complicated, let me tell you…
BELLA , sorry, ELENA is drowned out by another rock track, wailing on about how LIFE IS COMPLICATED
SCENE 2
DAMON is walking around the Salvatore mansion with his SHIRT OFF , smirking and carrying a glass of blood. He discovers STEFAN , who is reading in the library. With his SHIRT OFF .
DAMON: We have a problem.
STEFAN: Have the dry cleaners lost our shirts again?
DAMON (Wiggling his eyebrows) : Apart from that.
STEFAN: Have you been hitting on Bella again?
DAMON: [Cough] Elena…
STEFAN: Have you been hitting on Elena again?
They fight.
STEFAN: Why are we fighting?
DAMON: Because it turns the girls on.
They stop fighting. The doorbell rings. DAMON answers the door. It’s the postman. DAMON snaps the postman’s neck, then checks the mail.
STEFAN: What’s the problem?
DAMON: Oh yeah. There’s another tomb vampire on a killing spree. And another previously member of Be… Elena’s family who we vaguely mentioned two episodes ago – who’s probably going to be a vampire, or a vampire slayer – is about to turn up in town with a mystical device that makes fangs fall out. They’ll probably be played by someone you recognise from some other genre TV show and they’ll be dead by… oh, two episodes from now at the most. Isn’t it about time I made a flippant cultural reference… Fancy a Scooby Snack? I hear you don’t drink human blood any more, but is Great Dane off the menu?
SCENE 3
The High School. BELLA , sorry, ELENA is walking to class with witch girl BONNIE .
BONNIE: I hate vampires.
ENTER STEFAN and DAMON , wiggling his eyebrows
Exit Bonnie, glaring at STEFAN and DAMON
BELLA, sorry, ELENA: I love you Stefan. I hate you Damon.
DAMON: No you don’t. ’Cos I'm sexy, hot and dangerous.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA: Yeah, you’re so cute I can forgive the fact you keep randomly killing people.
DAMON wiggles his eyebrows, and snaps the neck of a passing student. STEFAN looks annoyed
DAMON: Can’t stand a little competition?
STEFAN: No, I just hate this bloody rock track on the soundtrack.
Some ROCK TRACK wails on about EVIL BEING ATTRACTIVE
BELLA, sorry, ELENA (shouting over the music) : Why are you here?
STEFAN: There’s a tomb vampire on a killing spree and another of your long lost relatives you never knew about (because you only just found out you were adopted) is about to turn up. They’ll probably be evil.
ENTER TYLER
TYLER: Woof!
BELLA , sorry, ELENA: What was that, Tyler?
TYLER: It’s subtle foreshadowing for next season.
A really bad cover version of BAD MOON RISING plays on the soundtrack.
SCENE 4
Some boring relationship nonsense involving B-list characters
SCENE 5
The woods. The TOMB VAMPIRE and BELLA , sorry, ELENA ’s latest LONG-LOST RELATIVE meet up.
TOMB VAMPIRE: Do you have the watch?
LONG-LOST RELATIVE: Yes.
TOMB VAMPIRE: Are you going to give it to me, so I can be really evil, or are you going to double cross me and kill me?
The LONG-LOST RELATIVE double-crosses him and kills him
LONG-LOST RELATIVE: I hate vampires. I shall kill Bella, sorry, Elena’s two boyfriends at the Founders’ First Breadmaking Disaster Centenary Celebration Ball. For her own good.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA (off camera) : I love Stefan. I’m not interested in Damon at all.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, right.
BELLA , sorry, ELENA (off camera): Don’t knock it – the two vampires thing is the only thing that stops us being a complete Twilight rip-off. Well, that and the fact we’re not all some metaphor about no-sex-before marriage.
SCENE 6
The library. Jeremy is reading about vampires. ENTER ANNA , a sexy female vampire who looks 15 even though she's like CENTURIES OLD
ANNA: You look sad. I could make you into a vampire. That’ll make you happy.
JEREMY: Oh, yes please.
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: No, actually, Please don’t.
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: Yes, make me a vampire!
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: No, I’ve changed my mind.
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: Yes, do it!
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: Um, maybe not…
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: Oh, go on then.
ANNA: Are you sure?
JEREMY: Can we wait till the season cliffhanger?
SCENE 7
The Founders’ First Breadmaking Disaster Centenary Celebration Ball. Everybody is dancing. To a college rock track. STEFAN and BELENA and DAMON stalk the crowd looking for vampires, vampire slayers or mystical watches. LONG-LOST RELATIVE is skulking in the shadows. When BELENA is separated from her toothy boyfriends, he grabs her and pulls her into a tent.
LONG-LOST RELATIVE: I am your long lost relative. I hate vampires. I will kill your two boyfriends.
BELENA: I am NOT interested in Damon!
LONG-LOST RELATIVE: But come on, Stefan is so dull! Damon may be evil but he can really wriggle his eyebrows.
There is a tearing sound as Damon rips his way into the tent and kills the LONG-LOST RELATIVE . This involves lost of BLOOD . STEFAN turns up and looks at the blood longingly. There is a FLASHBACK to the days when the boys had silly hair and breeches. It reveals that DAMON wasn’t always so evil, and STEFAN has a DARK SIDE .
BELENA: Oh Stefan, so you were interesting once.
SCENE 8
A montage. A slow ballad by some whining, nasal indie band bleats on about HIDDEN SECRETS , while BELENA stares at pictures of DAMON and STEFAN , JEREMY practices sucking blood on a melon, DAMON wanders around with shirt off, some nondescript B-character looks lies in bed with a girl he doesn’t love and STEFAN wonders if BELENA would love him more if he sparkled in the sun.
