50 Worst Movie Toys

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By published

Tired tie-ins and mediocre merchandising

Commander Jorg Sacul

The Birds Barbie

The Toy: In stark contrast to the cosiness of its regular range, once upon a time Barbie went feral with its graphic tie-in with Alfred Hitchcock's avian attack horror, featuring a Barbie-fied Tippi Hedren fending off a trio of belligerent birds.

Worst Detail: The placement of one bird that appears to be trying to bite its way through to Tippi's crotch.

Real World Neo

The Toy: Chances are, most kids would skip straight to the bullet-time action in role-playing The Matrix . But for those who truly want to recreate the entire film, here's Keanu in sad-sack first act mode.

Worst Detail: The baggiest, most ill-shapen jumper ever stitched for a Hollywood action hero. Loser.

Transformers Groom 'n' Go Bath Set

The Toy: A pretend shaving kit for those too young to shave, based on a franchise whose heroes don't even need to shave.

Worst Detail: Not even the moldable foam soap really offers much in the way of Transforming.

Ethan Hunt "Pointman"

The Toy: We didn't realise that John Barrowman was in the 1996 Mission: Impossible . Apparently so.

Worst Detail: The frankly terrifying disguise head that comes with the set.

C3PO Tape Dispenser

The Toy: Of all the indignities ever foisted upon poor Goldenrod, getting stuck in a compromising position with a roll of pressure-sensitive adhesive is probably the most galling. He looks mortified.

Worst Detail: If you didn't know it was sticky tape, you'd swear he'd been caught having a robotic dump.

The Comedian

The Toy: This collector's edition of the Watchmen character is an "exclusive variant" - exclusive, presumably, because it looks nothing like actor Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Worst Detail: The Errol Flynn-esque features don't at all suit the nihilistic character we see on-screen. And where's the mask, anyway?

Sleeping Little Nicky

The Toy: We might - at a push - have bought a Happy Gilmore action figure. Adam Sandler's unlikeable 'son of Satan,' however, is another matter, especially when the character isn't even awake.

Worst Detail: Nicky's dog Beefy comes complete with "urinating function." Stay classy, Adam.

Dennis Nedry with Tranq-Spray Gun and Dino-Damage Arm

The Toy: Jurassic Park 's greedy-guts villain is somehow transmogrified into a kick-ass hero with an arm that can (apparently) damage dinos.

Worst Detail: The slimming down of overweight on-screen star Wayne Knight to suit the Identikit standards of action figure body fascism.

Robocop And The Ultra Police

The Toy: Paul Verhoeven's ultra-violent satire of 1980s consumerism wouldn't be most people's first choice for a family board game. That didn't stop Parker Brothers from doing just that.

Worst Detail: Gameplay involves collecting "hero" medals and vehicle cards rather than, say, running over toxic mutants.