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Force Beam
The Toy: It isn't always the official tie-ins you have to watch. Even as George Lucas was en route to conquering the world of merchandising, bootleggers were foisting knock-off crap like this notorious lightsaber replacement.
Worst Detail: It used D-batteries, the scourge of the cosmos in terms of the inverse ratio between energy costs and duration of play.
The Barbie Twilight Saga Collection
The Toy: If you hadn't already twigged that Twilight is catering for a very different audience to the usual 'boys with toys' brigade, the fact that Bella & Edward got the whole Barbie & Ken routine is a dead giveaway.
Worst Detail: The Edward doll could surely be used to clean toilets with a quiff like that.
Big Bite Fred
The Toy: A pre-weight loss John Goodman probably wouldn't want to be reminded of his previous size with a toy whose lever-action feeding frenzy exists solely to point out how fat his Fred Flintstone was.
Worst Detail: The terrifying effect when Goodman's face opens into a cavernous plastic maw.
Sandworm
The Toy: An optimistic attempt by manufacturer LJN to do a Star Wars with David Lynch's Dune saw the release of a 14 inch long, poseable alien dildo.
Worst Detail: Somebody, somewhere, was taking the piss with the design of the creature's mouth.
Human Torch ATV With Light-Up Headlights
The Toy: A case of cognitive dissonance on the part of the manufacturer, given that Fantastic Four member Johnny Storm doesn't really need an All Terrain Vehicle, given that he can fly.
Worst Detail: The emphasis on Light-Up Headlights as a selling point, which conveniently overlooks the fact that the Human Torch provides more illumination himself than a couple of piddly lightbulbs ever could.
Rad Repeatin' Tarzan
The Toy: Disney's wholesome rep took a beating (ahem) when schoolkids spotted that the trajectory of this action figure's vigorous chest-thumping action made it look like Tarzan was masturbating.
Worst Detail: The accompanying 'jungle wail' sound effect, which gave the distinct impression that Tarzan was getting really into it.
Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick
The Toy: Oh, Mattel. Did you really think you could release a long cylindrical object that vibrates, without it being misused? Cue a hasty product recall, and red faces all around for the Harry Potter brand managers.
Worst Detail: The design could probably be comfier to, you know….
Samsung SPH-N270
The Toy: This limited edition tie-in to The Matrix Reloaded might have looked the part, but drew sharp criticism when it transpired that it wasn't as hi-tech as it initially appeared.
Worst Detail: The $500 price tag, all the more galling considering the phone wasn't even Bluetooth-enabled.
E.T. Finger Light
The Toy: It probably seemed a good idea at the time... Actually, on reflection, there's no way that this toy's manufacturers weren't having a laugh.
Worst Detail: "Finger glows when pressed" ...and, presumably, other body parts do too.
The Meat
The Toy: Easily the stupidest toy ever devised, as the manufacturers of the Rocky range decide it's time to release Mr Balboa's inanimate sparring partner as an actual action figure. The realisation that it's probably a joke on the part of the manufacturers doesn't make it any less of a facepalm moment.
Worst Detail: The unswerving attention of detail means that there's a hook for the meat, which means that somebody has actually thought about this. For god's sake, why?
