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Our young seeker of knowledge once again approaches the cave of the Great Dragon, to discover what little he can about the next episode of Merlin – “A Lesson in Vengeance" – from the ever-abstruse serpent. But he’s in for a surprise…
“Oh Great Dragon. Great Dragon. It’s that time of the week again!”
“Hello, young man, do you come here
To learn of things as yet unclear?”
“You’re not the Great Dragon…”
“Clever are you to spot that I’m not,
What gave it away? That I’m shorter. A lot?”
“Yeah. And the dress. And the hair. And the voice.”
“I am no dragon. I am a fairy,
Called Queen Mab, and not so scary.”
“Ah yeah. You replaced the dragon as the spouter of all bollocks in the last episode.”
“That is my role, and it’s no crime,
That I perform my role in rhyme.”
“This is going to get very irritating.”
“That is, I’m afraid, my prime intention,
To make no sense with circumvention,
But to make it sound much sweeter
By use of iambic pentameter.”
“Oh god…”
“So shall I start? Give you some clues,
About an episode that starts with a short fuse.”
“Um, is that a clue?”
“A dig in the ribs with a pointy trident,
Makes an old man bellow strident,
When he insults a lady’s crusty pies
On the way to assuring no-one dies.”
“Uh-oh… am I sensing a comedy episode?”
“No indeed, it’s still quite dark,
But two old faces are back for a lark,
And there’s one scene that’s played more for cheer
Than anything else we’ve seen this year.
Elsewhere, Morgana’s schemes with Gwen,
Cause death or near death for many men
Within the walls of old Camelot
But still seems a convoluted plot.”
“Hmm, yeah, I’ve been wondering why she doesn’t just use her magic to telekinetically throttle Arthur with his own chain mail.”
“Arthur becomes a slave to the law,
When his senses tell him there’s something more
To a lowly stable lad who bemoans
He got a better deal in Game Of Thrones.”
“What about Merlin? You haven’t even mentioned him.”
“Maybe I didn’t, or maybe I did,
But here’s what I tell you, you curious kid,
Arthur’s worried he’s developed a dodgy obsession,
With the wardrobe of the one next in ascension.”
“Eh, he’s wearing the Queen’s clothes?”
“The castle cook gets a few lines,
The knights miss all the obvious signs,
Two bottles may decide the fate of a nation,
A merchant is unlikely to get a citation.”
“But overall, good?”
“Wheel within wheels, spanners in works
Matters turning on opportune quirks,
It’s entertaining, tense and fun while it lasts,
But a bit of a filler, if you trust my forecasts.”
“I’m not sure if I trust you as much as the dragon,
You talk like you’ve just fallen off the wagon… Oh Lord, you’ve got me doing it now!”
• Read our Merlin series 5 reviews
