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The Buffet
The Junkyard
The Movie: The Brave Little Toaster (1987)
The Dark Moment: Stuck at Ernie's Disposal emporium, the lost household appliances watch as the junkyard cars sing their interestingly bleak life stories before they're crushed to death.
If It Had A Song: Once again, Disney prove they can put a tune to just about anything...
"I just can't, I just can't, I just can't seem to get started / Don't have the heart to live in the fast lane, all that has passed and gone / Worthless! / And there ain't nothing you can do about it / Worthless! / Pardon me while I panic! / Worthless! Worthless! Worthless!"
Alistair's Wrath
The Movie: The Piano (1993)
The Dark Moment: Here's another Disney / Miramax curveball for you. We promise not to do too many of these, as they'll fill the whole list.
Having discovered his wife's infidelity, Alistair takes his revenge by cutting off her index finger with an axe in front of her child to deprive her of the ability to play her piano.
If It Had A Song: "Woman! How dare you cheat on me? / I'm as angry as could be / I know this is probably an overreaction / But the moment's creating some marvellous dramatic tension!"
*piano solo*
Coco The Scab
The Movie: Brassed Off (1996)
The Dark Moment: While entertaining at a church harvest festival celebration, pit worker-turned-clown Phil breaks down in a foul-mouthed satire on the Tory Party before going on to attempt suicide.
If It Had A Song: "Oh Maggie, you've made a clown out of me / And, yes, I mean that quite literally / You closed the mines and left us to die / Oh, look, now I've gone and made the kids cry."
Shock Therapy
The Movie: Return To Oz (1985)
The Dark Moment: Believed to be insane because of her stories about Oz, poor Dorothy is taken to an insane asylum and prepared to recieve electroshock therapy.
If It Had A Song: "Would you like to go for a ride, Dorothy? / We'll take those dreams away / Lie down and close your eyes, Dorothy / There's no need to be afraid."
The Mob Hunt
The Movie: Beauty And The Beast (1991)
The Dark Moment: Jealous of Belle's warm and fuzzy feelings for the Beast, Gaston whips the townfolk into a Beast-hunting frenzy, resolving to murder the mysterious monster.
If It Had A Song: Far be it from us to try to outdo the French...
"We don't like / What we don't understand / In fact it scares us / And this monster is mysterious at least / Bring your guns! / Bring your knives! / Save your children and your wives / We'll save our village and our lives / We'll kill the Beast!"
Copper Hunts Tod
The Movie: The Fox And The Hound (1981)
The Dark Moment: BFFs Copper and Tod find themselves enemies when a fierce chase results in the death of Copper's hunter friend Chief.
If It Had A Song: "I'll never forgive you for this / If it's the last thing I do / I'll have my vengeance, fox / I'm coming for you!"
The Whole Movie
The Movie: The Black Cauldron (1985)
The Dark Moment: Disney's first movie to be rated PG, The Black Cauldron tells the story of a simple farm boy who must find find and destroy an enchanted black cauldron before the Horned King - who looks an awful lot like Satan - can use it to raise an army of the undead.
If It Had A Song: "Hey kids! / If you want to sleep again don't ever watch this movie! / There's all sorts of scary things like zombies and the devil! / No seriously, the trailer's innocuous but it'll probably make you cry!"
Or possibly something that rhymes...
"How Many Messengers Does It Take?"
The Movie: Mulan (1998)
The Dark Moment: Hun leader Shan-Yu frees two captured Imperial scouts, giving them a message to deliver to China's Emperor.
But as they leave, Shan-Yu casually asks one of his soldiers how many men it takes to deliver a message, prompting the Hun to shoot the 'spare' in the back with an arrow.
If It Had A Song: "I'm Disney's most merciless villain / Look how ruthless I can be / I'll kill a man in cold blood for the fun of it! / Atilla had nothing on me!"
Aslan's Sacrifice
The Movie: Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Dark Moment: Lion king Jesus... ahem, sorry, we mean Aslan bravely gives himself up to the White Witch, who sacrifices him on the stone table in front of her hoards of minions as Lucy and Susan watch in tears from the bushes.
If It Had A Song: "Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true / You'll see it's all a show / I'll be laughing as I go / Cos there's a shock in store for that evil White ho."
Hm. Perhaps we should've left it to the Pythons, eh?
