30 Terrible Pieces Of Movie Merchandise

Transformers Pen

The Product: So what does it transform from? A robot surely? No. It transforms from a shapeless blob. This could have been cool. Instead it’s a completely half-arsed attempt at a potentially decent bit of novelty merchandise.

How Much?
They were sold at cinemas after the release of Dark Of The Moon , but there’s some floating around eBay for mere pennies.

Target Market: People easily influenced by cinema staff to spend an extra fifty pence.

The Edward Manllow

The Product: For the creepiest of Twilight fans out there comes the Edward Cullen ‘Manllow’. Half man, half pillow, you never need to be lonely again! Well, you’ll still be lonely, but you’ll have a disturbing pillow to comfort you.

How Much? Available via Etsy a couple of years ago, the Edward ‘Manllow’ is all sold out. Sorry!

Target Market: That girl who cried over the trailer for Breaking Dawn and uploaded it to YouTube. She probably bought them all and created her own feather-stuffed, long-necked army of Edwards.

Lord Of The Rings Pipes

The Product: Working replicas of the pipes from the LOTR trilogy. WARNING: Does not give you an automatic ability to blow smoke in the shape of a ship.

How Much?
Ranging from $44.99 to $199.99 at Dark Knight Armoury

Target Market:
Anyone who’s enough of a fool of a Took to spend nearly one hundred quid on smoking equipment.

Austin Powers Teeth

The Product: Fuel American stereotypes of the British by wearing these horrendous dentures.

How Much? £12 from crazyteeth.co.uk

Target Market: Anyone in dire need of a mojo boost. Or with teeth so bad that these would be an improvement.

Michael Jacksons Moonwalker SEGA Videogame

The Product: Make bad guys 'Beat It' and save kidnapped young boys by throwing your hat around and making high-pitched noises. Classically BAD entertainment.

How Much?
You can pick it up on eBay for about £10.

Target Market:
Diehard Jackson completists and anyone who enjoys the irony of a game so bad it’s good.

Basketball Spider-Man

The Product: The illegitimate love child of Peter Parker and Shaquille O’Neal, faithfully recreated in hard plastics.

How Much? There was one on eBay for only £2 on the last check!

Target Market: Kids who love Spider-Man and basketball in equal measures, but can only afford one toy.

Daredevil Replica Costume Motorcycle Suit

The Product: A motorcycle suit that looks exactly like Ben Affleck’s costume in Daredevil . He didn’t look cool in it. And unless you’re the real Matt Murdoch, you’re unlikely to look cool in it.

How Much?
Currently only ‘coming soon’ from UD Replicas . Their Bale Batman one is $1,300 Canadian dollars, though.

Target Market: Blind motorcyclists.

Star Trek Urn

The product: Rest in peace knowing you lived long and prospered in your very own Star Trek urn.

How Much? Your living relatives will remember you begrudgingly knowing that you cost them $799

Target Market: Those brave enough to boldly go into the afterlife.

Watchmen Condom

The product: This questionable promotional item allows wearers to have a penis of a similar blue to that which featured all too often in the movie.

How Much? Unless you’re lucky enough to find one on eBay, you’re never going to impress the ladies.

Target Market:
Men who will definitely never have to use one.

The Human Centipede Necklace

The Product: Fully approved by Akihiro Kitamura (the head of the centipede) and in a variety of colours, The Human Centipede necklace is the perfect way to tell that special someone “I love you”.

How Much? A bargain £12 via Etsy

Target Market:
German scientists with a psychotic obsession for attaching three human beings together, mouth to anus, so that they share a single digestive system. Or your latest love interest.