30 Terrible Pieces Of Movie Merchandise

Transformers Fake Shaving Kit

The Product: Learn to shave like an Autobot with a Transformers shaving kit. The contents of this bizarre set basically teaches you how to put soap on your face and then wash it off again. Something most young children would benefit from.

How Much? Unfortunately for filthy-faced children over here, it’s only available in select US stores.

Target Market:
Children who are unlucky enough to have parents who think teaching them how to shave via the medium of unnecessarily branded instructional products about 10 years before they have any face fluff is a good idea.

Spider-Man Silk Tie

The Product: Worn by successful businessmen, responsible fathers and trustworthy salesmen everywhere, the Spider-Man silk tie is sure to help you nail that upcoming job interview.

How Much? It was on Amazon , but they “don’t know when it will be back in stock”.

Target Market: Anyone in a position of great power and/or great responsibility.

300 Spartan Briefs

The Product: Despite their accuracy, these are in here because of how uncomfortable they look to wear, and how uncomfortable it is to look at them. If someone came to your fancy dress party wearing these, would you let them through the door?

How Much? Still want to buy them? They’re $89 from Medieval Collectibles

Target Market: We all know these were only made so Gerard Butler could prance round the house in them when he’s home alone.

E.T. Atari Videogame

The Product: The worst videogame in history. A huge mess-up meant developers had only six weeks to slap this together. It was a huge flop and meant very bad news for Atari. Apparently thousands of unsold cartridges were put where they belong: in a landfill in New Mexico.

How Much? You can still find it on eBay , but prices vary.

Target Market: Children kind enough to want to help E.T home, but naive enough to think a movie game could ever be decent.

Twilight Condom

The Product: We can't tell if this is a wholly inappropriate cash-in, or an admirable attempt to educate the masses about contraception (remember, use protection!) Either way, it still feels inherently wrong.

How Much? They seem to have disappeared, even off eBay. Probably past their expiry date anyway.

Target Market: This is too sinister to bear thinking about...

2001 Monolith Action Figure

The Product : This 2001: A Space Odyssey ‘action figure’ started as a joke, but was so amazingly bad it was made a reality by ThinkGeek. It’s “full of stars”, has “zero points of articulation” and comes in three variations. Collect them all!

How Much? $12.99 from ThinkGeek

Target Market: Curious primates or anyone interested in advancing the evolution of their other action figures.

Alice In Wonderland Shoes

The Product: There’s nothing like a fashion/film tie-in to bring in the cash. These Versace Alice In Wonderland shoes are painful to look at and look painful to wear.

How Much?
An even more painful $1,195.

Target Market: The wealthiest of Tim Burton fans. Lady GaGa would probably feel at home in them too.

Jack Sparrow Pet Costume

The Product: Make yourself the laughing stock of the universe by dressing your pet as Johnny Depp's indelible character from Pirates Of The Caribbean . It even has little dreadlocks. Dear oh dear.

How Much? $12.39 from Amazon.com

Target Market: Canine cosplayers.

Old Boy Bottle Opener

The Product: In Old Boy , Oh Dae-Su pummels people in the head with a hammer. You can use a replica of it to open bottles. And no, not by smashing them.

How Much?
It comes as part of Park Chan Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy deluxe edition. You can get it new for about £150 from Amazon marketplace .

Target Market:
People who like to play elaborate tricks on friends by pretending they’re going to beat them to death, but then just politely open their beer. Or alcoholic handymen.

Dark Side Coffee

The Product: Officially licensed gourmet coffee. Hand roasted by Stormtroopers, the force (and flavour) is strong with it.

How Much? $14.99 from ThinkGeek , but due to those pesky shipping restrictions they can’t deliver it outside the US.

Target Market:
Dark Lords of the Sith who expect the highest quality caffeine fix.