Clash of the Titans
Plot: The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.
Why It Sucked: Offering nothing more than 3D thrills and a total bastardisation of the Ancient Greek myths and legends, this doesn’t even come close to achieving the heights of the 1981 original.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield would bring a uniformity of accents, as a start. Either all the characters should be British or American, not a mixture of both. Although he’s not as muscle-bound as Worthington, he can act better, especially working opposite fellow Brit star Gemma Arterton.
Jonah Hex
Plot : A disfigured bounty hunter (Josh Brolin) attempts to prevent an evil General (John Malkovich) from unleashing hell on Earth.
Why It Sucked: It’s Wild Wild West all over again. Silly, ridiculous plot, and at only 81 minutes everything just feels rushed. The end result is a clumsy action romp with forgettable performances (yes, that’s you Megan Fox). It progressively gets worse as the evil and over-the-top Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) exacts his plan to wreak havoc with a nation-killing weapon. A waste of time.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: It would be a tough ask for Andrew to better this shoddy piece of so-called filmmaking considering the script would need throwing in the nearest bin. After all, he’s only one man.
Sex And The City 2
The Plot: New York gal pals from the successful TV series catch a plane to Abu Dhabi for an all-expenses paid holiday, and are shocked to discover that everything isn’t quite the same on the other side of the world.
Why It Sucked: Cultural insensitivity, former great characters reduced to shallow idiots, even hideous gender stereotyping. There’s really nothing good about Sex And The City 2 , apart from its so-mad-you-have-to-see-it gay wedding, replete with Liza Minnelli croaking Beyonce’s ‘All The Single Ladies’. Because that’s what happens at all gay weddings.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: He’d quickly tell all four of these camel-faced misery-guts just what to do with all that belly-aching. Then charm their nickers off. Or some such nonsense.
Chatroom
The Plot: A teenager recovering from depression sets up an internet chatroom and uses it to befriend other London teens. But soon William’s dark side comes to the fore as he attempts to goad a fellow user into committing suicide.
Why It Sucked: We just don’t care. None of the teens in Chatroom are even remotely fleshed out enough to warrant our attentions, and while Aaron Johnson does his best and gets the most screen time, it’s his first real duff note after a stellar year.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield’s a thinker, and we’re sure he could have found a way to help Hideo Nakata rewrite some of the film’s clunkier stuff and make it a movie that really taps into the plight of the teenager.
Legion
Plot: When God loses faith in mankind, he’s ready to destroy the Earth. Humanity’s only hope lies with the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany).
Why It Sucked: Angels are generally supposed to be the good guys, right? Not in Scott Charles Stewart’s zombiefest. God has gone mad, lost faith and has sent a legion of evil angels to end the human race.
Alongside the stereotypical cast of survivors (a pregnant waitress, a gangbanger with a gun, a pissed off husband and wife) up against God, and that elderly woman crawling on the walls of the diner, this is every bit ridiculous as it is dull.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Not even Mr Garfield could raise this supernatural fodder out of the pits of hell.
The Last Airbender
Plot: A hundred years after the uniting and peaceful Avatar (not the blue kind) goes missing, he is found under ice by two siblings. Together the three set about restoring world peace.
Why It Sucked: A last-minute 3D conversion wasn’t enough to save this from being a tedious and painful experience, with drugged up dialogue and boring stunts and effects.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: He’s too old to play the lead (who can only be about 12), but Garfield can take M. Night Shyamalan aside and talk to him about the script and the direction for the actors.
Iron Man 2
Plot : Everyone knows Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is Iron Man, and he faces pressure from the government, the press, and the public to share his technology with the military. Naturally, he doesn’t want to, and has to face off the military and new super enemy Ivan Vanko.
Why It Sucked: The high quality and calibre of the cast was covered over with special effects, and the general premise of the Iron Man story wasn’t as fresh and funny as it was the first time around.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Downey was pretty much spot on believable as the arrogant, self involved, and intelligent Stark, so replacing him with Garfield is out of the question.
What would be better would be a British reboot filled with the bright young things, with Garfield having the chance to come out of his quirky shell and show the world the same charm and arrogance as Downey’s stark.
The Spy Next Door
Plot : Former CIA spy Bob Ho (Jackie Chan) looks after his girlfriend's three kids - who hate him, by the way. Add the ‘accidental’ downloading of a top-secret formula and an old Russian nemesis, and you have yet another family-friendly Chan spy movie.
Why It Sucked: Another kids movie with Jackie Chan? Really? Reall, it’s nearly time for Chan to retire, and hang up his belt if he's going to keep generating this calibre of film.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: As it stands - a kids off school afternoon filler - it does the job. Garfield however, would bring those of us older than nine some relief by encouraging more actual comedy in the script.
Furry Vengeance
Plot : Brendan Fraser plays the real estate developer who plans to make money from an overseas developer. All goes well until local furry animals start intervening with his projects.
Why It Sucked: Poor jokes make a mockery of sustainability, animals that take revenge but oon't talk, and we've not even started on the paper thin thin plot that’s stretched over far too many minutes.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Set this in the UK, and get some decent additional comic material written, lose the kid, and Garfield would win over crowds playing the young property developer in rural Cornwall.
The Back-Up Plan
Plot : Jennifer Lopez is Zoe, a woman so convinced she wont meet the man of her dreams to marry and procreate with that she goes to the sperm bank. As she leaves, she bumps into the man of her dreams.
Why It Sucked: Definitely one for watching on DVD with a bottle of cheap white wine and expensive ice cream, alone apart from all the cats. But only once you’ve watched everything Richard Curtis has ever made, and then vomited up the ice cream and wine, and need something to remind you that ‘life could be worse’ (you could be trying to restart your career with a clichéd romcom...)
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: He can play the lead one of two ways. He could be the dashing English gent that the American romcoms love (see: Hugh Grant), or he could expertly become another American bachelor, as his linguistic skills are apt enough to be convincing.
Skyline
Plot: Aliens descend on the city of Los Angeles, sucking people into the air, threatening to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth.
Why It Sucked: The plot and characters are basically taken from every other sci-fi/alien film ever made. Whilst the visual effects were great, it isn’t quite enough to make up for the lack of decent acting and dialogue.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield is more than qualified to provide the decent acting, owing to his sharp wit. With the help of quality writer friends, he could fix the problems with the script in no time, leaving The Brothers Strause to play with the effects gear they nabbed off Avatar.
Old Dogs
Plot : When Dan’s (Robin Williams) kids pitch up on his doorstep, all hell breaks loose when he is forced into fatherhood with his old friend (John Travolta) in tow.
Why It Sucked: Both Williams and Travolta are seasoned pros in the film world, however you'd never guess it with this tripe. Featuring a poor premise and generally bad performances, this is a forgettable family comedy.
Not that you can blame them entirely - the script is so non-existent that the fuddy actors have practically nothing to work with.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Alright, the script is see-through, but Andrew would easily find the slapstick comedy potential in even the most fly-away of screenplays.
Leap Year
Plot : Anna (Amy Adams) travels halfway across the world to propose to her boyfriend on Leap Day – an Irish tradition occuring every 29th February that says a woman can propose to a man.
Why It Sucked: We love Goode, but his attempt at an Irish accent is abysmal. Also - jumping aboard a supply vessel and travelling from Cardiff to the Coast of Ireland in the space of a few hours? Not a flipping chance!
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: First off, he'd nail the Paddy accent. Then there's the chemistry we know he'd share Adams...
Cats & Dogs: Revenge Of Kitty Galore
T he Plot: The cats and dogs put their battling aside in order to confront a common foe in the form of rogue cat spy Kitty Galore.
Why It Sucked: The original film was no masterpiece, but it at least had Mr Tinkles, a purrfectly brilliant moggy villain. This sequel repeats the trick to lesser effect, rolling out tired James Bond gags (hello Roger Moore) and an extended Silence Of The Lambs riff. More ow than miaow.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: By voicing one of the feline characters, Garfield would at least have brought a touch of class to proceedings.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Plot: Serial killer Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earl Haley) haunts and murders teens in their dreams. Sucky.
Why It Sucked: Big changes were made to Freddy for this reboot, which ultimately led to its downfall. In the original, he would constantly toy with and tease his victims before murdering them. In the remake, Freddy is now irrefutably a paedophile, and one who goes straight for the kill. Other duff changes include the victims being played by stuck-up teens who you can't wait to see die - but even when they croak you have to stifle the yawns.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Perhaps not by donning the razor sharp glove, as Jackie Earl Haley did a respectable job as the child killing terror. However with the charm and self-assurance he has, he could prove a worthy adversary for Krueger.
Get Him to the Greek
Plot: A record company intern (Jonah Hill) has been hired to travel to accompany an out-of-control British Rock Star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) to a concert at L.A’s Greek Theatre.
Why It Sucked: The initial plot is far too silly, with Jonah Hill acting as a taxi service for the drunken Russell Brand. Just hire a chaperone! The laugh-out-loud moments are also sadly lacking, while the film attempts to paint its characters as sympathetic, but there's only so far it can go. Consequently, Hill and Brand’s characters run out of hot air before the end credits even begin.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield vs Brand! Two Brits from opposite ends of the spectrum collide - with explosive results! Now we'd pay to see that...
Marmaduke
The Plot: From newspaper comic strip to comedy family caper, dog Marmaduke heads to the big screen in a plot that basically sees him wreck everything in sight. For comedy effect. Groan.
Why It Sucked: Based on a one-note premise – Marmaduke busts stuff, a lot, over and over again, until you start gnawing on your own paw in boredom – this doggy outing is purely for the kids. Like Scooby-Doo before it, its CGI hero does cool stuff to prove he’s down with the homies, surfing and partying to his heart’s content. Meanwhile, adults feel their grey cells rapidly dying.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: By appearing as a sinister ninja who kicks Marmaduke’s crusty behind. It wouldn’t make it a better movie, but at least we’d enjoy that one bit.
Tooth Fairy
Plot: A minor league hockey player discourages another player's ambitions, and is sentenced to one week’s hard work as a tooth fairy, complete with wings, tutu, and wand...
Why It Sucked: Not even the novelty of seeing Dwayne Johnson with feathered wings makes this an acceptable bit of entertainment. Yeah, so the kids may love it, but you just have to wonder what made Johnson agree to do this. Does the director have some compromising photographs?
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: The kindest thing Garfield can do is to invent a time machine, go back to when this film was first pitched to the financiers, and convince them to go with another option. Unless this was the best option they had.
Resident Evil: Afterlife
Plot : Alice (Milla Jovovich) is still pursuing the evil Umbrella Corporation, this time alongside a band of survivors wanting to relocate to the safe haven known as Arcadia.
Why is sucked: This is the fourth outing for our heroine and it’s the same old scenario – Alice comes across a group of survivors, offing hordes of the undead, then faces a giant hammer-wielding beastie thing.
Oh and the 3D element brings nothing new to the table apart from it making the film even tougher and more frustrating to follow. Cheesy bullet-time, slow-mo action and full to the brim with gore, it’s all be done before. Time for Milla and her hubby director Paul WS Anderson to move swiftly on.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: For Andrew to transform himself into a male version of Alice would be a bit of an ask. However, he could grab his fellow collaborator David Fincher and encourage him to take the reigns – it’ll take some convincing though.
Repo Men
Plot : Two ex-military friends are organ repo men who, with an arsenal of weaponry, collect artificial organs from customers who fail to pay their debts.
Why It Sucked: Failed to make a payment? Don’t worry, Remy (Jude Law) and Jake (Forest Whittaker) will take care of that … cue mindless gore and unconvincing fight scenes in this senseless sci-fi romp.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: After his powerful on-screen partnership with Jesse Eisenberg in Fincher’s Social Network , we fancy seeing those two take on this premise instead.
Did You Hear About The Morgans?
The Plot: A rich warring couple are put into the witness protection programme and shipped off to an outback town, where the simpler life might just repair their broken marriage.
Why It Sucked: Obvious, stilted and jarring, this romcom vehicle for Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant has zero surprises and nothing new to bring to the table. The pair are oddly cast, while the clunky delivery – replete with ABC plotting – is an insult to the intellect of audiences.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: He’s a newer, slimmer, cooler, nothing-like-Hugh Grant version of Hugh Grant - his casting opposite SJP would have made for a far more interesting film.
Cop Out
The Plot: An NYPD copper is devastated when one of his rare baseball cards is stolen – especially as he was planning on selling it to pay for his daughter’s wedding. So he recruits his old partner to help him track down the thief.
Why It Sucked: An odd glitch for cult director Kevin Smith, Cop Out ’s troubled production is well-documented, and the resultant movie shows for it. Willis is on a different planet for the whole movie, while Morgan’s much-touted cinematic debut goes down like a led balloon. Sadly, the title proves entirely prophetic.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: We’d take him over Tracy Morgan any day. Just think – Garfield and Bruce Willis. Zero copping out there.
Killers
Plot: Jen (Katherine Heigl) meets assassin Spencer (Ashton Kutcher) whilst on holiday. They soon fall in love and get married. However Jen is unaware of his profession.
Why It Sucked: The sheer lack of chemistry between the two lead actors make this a painful watch at best. Kutcher plays the “I don’t want to kill people anymore and settle down” card that has been done time and time again. The whole boy-meets-girl scenario plays out to minimal effect, and the frantic final act with Heigl screeching through every car-chase and gunfight sequence is humiliating.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Not being known for his acting chops (yet!), we are convinced Garfield would be able to juggle the dual role of a hard-as-nails-assassin-slash-loving-husband.
4, 3, 2, 1
Plot: Four young women become involved with dangerous diamond thieves, and have three days to work it all out.
Why It Sucked: The unconvincing characters, the dodgy dialogue, the muddled plot... pretty much everything about this film sucked. Apart from Kevin Smith.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield would play one of the lead characters, turning Shannon into a male - which would hopefully mean Noel Clarke could write the part far better. During rehearsals, Garfield mentions the lack of conviction in the three girls' character backgrounds, and urges character development. And cuts out that awful line about the size of Tee’s dick. It wasn’t necessary.
Vampires Suck
Plot : Another spoof movie this time focusing on Becca being torn between the love of two boys, one is vampire, the other a werewolf.
Why It Sucked: Like other previous spoof movies ( Meet the Spartans, Date Movie et al) we get the usual rundown of pathetic gags, pop culture references and seriously bad acting. The two directors have followed on their trend of distasteful humour and general poor filmmaking with a disastrous Twilight piss-take angle that surely had R-Patz seeing red.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: He wouldn’t go anywhere near to this shoddy piece of so-called filmmaking.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Plot: A computer salesman meets a fashion model he used to be at school with. They start dating, and whilst they’re away on a seedy weekend trip, birds driven crazy by global warming start attacking people in the street.
Why It Sucked: Wow. Well, where to start? Bad acting, bad scripting, bad direction, really bad CGI - practically every aspect of this film is bad. But, it’s so bad, it’s gained cult status in the states already, and the creator/writer/director James Nguyen is being hailed as a genius.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: The only way this Birds homage could be in anyway a decent film is more work than Garfield alone is capable of. It would first need more financial backing (the estimated budget for Birdemic was $10,000), and then every single other aspect of the film would need a complete overhaul.
Piranha 3D
The Plot: Chaos ensues when a load of kids descend on a small town to celebrate Spring Break. Oh, that’s not the chaotic bit? Apparently there’s something about killer fish as well.
Why It Sucked: Alright, there are moments of B-movie fun amidst the floating body parts (poor Jerry O’Connell), but Piranha 3D needed more dimensions added to it. The 3D’s pretty duff, and the CGI on the fishy menaces is dodgy at best, laughable at worst.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: As a sensible, unlikely hero, Garfield would have done more with Steve McQueen’s role than the TV star gamely attempted to squeeze out of it.
Dinner For Schmucks
The Plot: A hot exec throws a dinner party in the hopes of impressing his boss, but things go horribly wrong when the people he invites turn out to be rather more colourful than he’d hoped.
Why It Sucked: Oh dear. Where Three Men And A Baby managed to turn a French farce into a workable American comedy, cream of the current comedy crop Paul Rudd and Steve Carell here both fail miserably. Carell mugs. Rudd sighs. We all wonder when it’s going to end.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield could have balanced out Carell and Rudd’s broader American comedy with a little bit of cutting British wit. Not saying it’d save the movie, though.
The Bounty Hunter
The Plot: Bounty hunter Milo discovers that his reporter ex-wife is his next target, and is whisked off on a whirlwind action adventure with her.
Why It Sucked: Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. We can see why you’d think this would be a good idea. The action genre’s an alluring place. As is the company of Gerard Butler. But no. The plot is preposterous, Peter Greene’s villain is an absolute waste of space, and the so-called ‘comedy’ will illicit whimpers of dismay.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Garfield as a bounty hunter would be the most awesome thing we’ve seen all year. Even if the script is crummy, he’d make it work.
The Last Song
The Plot: A rebellious young teenager is sent to stay with her father in a Southern beach town for the summer. There, she meets a bit of totty.
Why It Sucked: Soppy and mawkish, Miley Cyrus’ attempt to enter the adult world of movie making strangely hangs on to many of her Hannah Montana furnishings – stupid younger brother, a dress-up montage... It makes for an off-balance half-movie that is both boringly safe and completely forgettable.
How Andrew Garfield Could Improve It: Replace Montana with Garfield, and everything’s instantly 100 times more interesting. We need a new Brokeback , dammit.
