Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

Contributors: AJ Glasser & Brett Elston
Art by: Tyler Wilde 
Face: Chris Antista

Admit it - you’ve thought about choking quite a few videogame characters to death. Whether it’s an annoying sidekick or a particularly tough boss, there’s no denying that the urge to bust somebody in the mush hasn’t seized you. There are a lot of deserving punks we could put into this article - but the most irritating offenses come from the cutest characters. Those fluffy types just there to make a game more friendly, more fun... and more *shudder* cute.

You know what we’re talking about. “No, irritating menu sprite, I don’t want to save my game - yes, I’m sure!” or “Dammit, truculent NPC that has something I want but won’t sell it to me, I’ve gotten your thirty rat butts, now hand it over!”

The aggravation is endless and we don’t blame even the most mild-mannered of you for snapping once in a while and wanting to drive a spike through the eye of even the most adorable gaming character out there. But let us cash in on your anger with our Top 7 Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of - go on, let your inner sadist loose.

7. Pikachu, Pokemon series - (AKA “Pokeman,” “That Yellow Rat,” and “Ash’s Number One Bitch”)

One look at that little yellow face and we can feel the hate flowing. Okay, he’s not that bad of a character to have in your Poke-repertoire and the faint-hearted Pokemon lovers among you may want to skip this page. But for the rest of is - F#*& this little yellow f#*&er.

He’s so annoying with is constant blathering and immunity to lightning - and what’s with lording his superiority over other, more deserving pokemon by hogging the anime limelight. Pikachu is not that powerful, he’s not that rare and he’s not even a shiny; so why does this little bastard get all the attention and get to be in Super Smash Bros. where he incites us to greater rage with his cheap-ass lighting attacks. For someone on whom the entire Poke franchise is pinned, could we please have a character who can say more than his own name?

How we’d do it:
There’s an easy way to do this and fun way to do this: A) a spiked bat and a bottle of hot sauce or B) a grounding spike driven right through his eye.


Top 7

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  • Link5794 - December 28, 2008 5:30 p.m.

    What about Omochao from Sonic Heroes? In the tutorial, or the first level of Team Rose that I'm pretty sure people only play bcause they either aren't competent enough to do the higher difficulties or want to get to the final battle and unlock Team Metal Sonic, Omochao stops you so you have to listen to his shit. You could press A, but you stand still after he finishes. Omochao's dealy annoyingness is also demonstrated in the preloader for a Newgrounds anmation. ("Press the A Button to jump!" "Press the Power button to start!" "Use both of your legs to walk!" "Did you know that if you didn't press any buttons you wouldn't move?") Or that dog from Duck Hunt. He laughs at you and you can't shoot him.
  • Bri77777 - January 1, 2009 6:58 a.m.

    Damn you!. Show the eye gouging!
  • NullG7 - March 31, 2009 8:31 p.m.

    Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Just a little taste from anyone who hasent played Ocarina of time, Oh wait there is more!!!
  • Mr.Epic64 - July 20, 2009 6:07 a.m.

    Zelda, you save her in almost every game, but has Link got layed yet? NO.
  • Pantosniper - July 28, 2009 5:56 a.m.

    I'd love to beat Tails with a rusty pipe wrench then shove him into a wood chipper then shove what's left of him up a monkey's butt then set the monkey on fire, then throw the ashes off a cliff.
  • pjbuhl - February 7, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    what about the begger lady from assasin's creed she always messes up my missions =/
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 3, 2009 12:45 a.m.

    HEY!!!! oh wait you already knew what i was going to say because ive said it 100,000,000,000,000,000,000... times? Oh ill stop....HEY!!! Oh ya...HEYEHEYEHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY......BOOM HEADSHOT!! What i have always thot the WHOLE TIME
  • Bov11 - April 5, 2009 1:05 a.m.

    whatserface from King Kong.
  • melloe - April 28, 2009 8:30 a.m.

    HAHA I love Pikachu's cheap-ass lightning attacks in Super Smash Bros
  • MoonPig - September 8, 2009 6:37 p.m.

    first, id remove Butz's toinails 1 by 1 with a pair of pliers, then id stick needles in the soft flesh underneath, then id hook them up to a car battery and light his eyelashes on fire and THEN id get NASTY! also, make Navi die please
  • MassEffectfan - September 8, 2009 10:48 p.m.

    all i have to say is damn
  • evileasterbunny666 - September 9, 2009 12:51 a.m.

    yes yes...... eat that navi REAL good. Look! That frog's tounge getting closer!!!
  • Coolbeans69 - August 31, 2008 8:08 p.m.

    lol! Funniest feature yet!
  • cricket0 - September 22, 2008 2:46 a.m.

    Those characters are kinda nessecary, but as the article says, extremly annoying!
  • Cwf2008 - December 8, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    Hmm well i guess the Tinkerbell comparison keeps gamesradar from going too ballistic on Navi, but what i'd do is stick a grenade in wherever Navi talks from, tie it to a missle, set it on fire, and then fire it off a cliif.
  • Super_gamer73 - November 13, 2008 3:54 a.m.

    Navi is the most annoying. I like the suggestion for Navi removal.
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:18 a.m.

    i want Navi's blood. er i mean ectoplasm or whatever shes got.
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:27 a.m.

    your forgeting Issun from Okami. id feed him to my lizards or stick him in a microwave and turn it on
  • rangermaster240 - November 9, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    Why is it that i have ALWAYS wanted to just make a zelda game with microphone ability and just yell at navi, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I KNOW THAT THE CLOUD OVER DEATH MOUNTAIN IS WEIRD!!!! JUST DIE!!!!"
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:07 a.m.

    The ultimate culmination of eye-poppingly cute and sadistic mayhem you'll ever find in this website.

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