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Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

Contributors: AJ Glasser & Brett Elston
Art by: Tyler Wilde 
Face: Chris Antista

Admit it - you’ve thought about choking quite a few videogame characters to death. Whether it’s an annoying sidekick or a particularly tough boss, there’s no denying that the urge to bust somebody in the mush hasn’t seized you. There are a lot of deserving punks we could put into this article - but the most irritating offenses come from the cutest characters. Those fluffy types just there to make a game more friendly, more fun... and more *shudder* cute.

You know what we’re talking about. “No, irritating menu sprite, I don’t want to save my game - yes, I’m sure!” or “Dammit, truculent NPC that has something I want but won’t sell it to me, I’ve gotten your thirty rat butts, now hand it over!”

The aggravation is endless and we don’t blame even the most mild-mannered of you for snapping once in a while and wanting to drive a spike through the eye of even the most adorable gaming character out there. But let us cash in on your anger with our Top 7 Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of - go on, let your inner sadist loose.

7. Pikachu, Pokemon series - (AKA “Pokeman,” “That Yellow Rat,” and “Ash’s Number One Bitch”)

Why:
One look at that little yellow face and we can feel the hate flowing. Okay, he’s not that bad of a character to have in your Poke-repertoire and the faint-hearted Pokemon lovers among you may want to skip this page. But for the rest of is - F#*& this little yellow f#*&er.

He’s so annoying with is constant blathering and immunity to lightning - and what’s with lording his superiority over other, more deserving pokemon by hogging the anime limelight. Pikachu is not that powerful, he’s not that rare and he’s not even a shiny; so why does this little bastard get all the attention and get to be in Super Smash Bros. where he incites us to greater rage with his cheap-ass lighting attacks. For someone on whom the entire Poke franchise is pinned, could we please have a character who can say more than his own name?

How we’d do it:
There’s an easy way to do this and fun way to do this: A) a spiked bat and a bottle of hot sauce or B) a grounding spike driven right through his eye.

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25 comments

  • brandon-dees - April 14, 2013 12:50 a.m.

    fuck you tails is cool
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - December 3, 2010 11:47 p.m.

    Ha Ha Tails needs to fight 1v1 with Kratos. I would pay good money to see that.
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 30, 2010 3:58 a.m.

    Everything besides Pikachu although I understand why you don't like him. (P.S. Why hasn't Ash ever caught a legendary, even though he has seen all of them. This makes Ash a questionable trainer and means it's not pikachu's fault.)
  • sleepy92ismypsn - October 29, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    Haha, nice art Tyler. Nice face Chris.
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 28, 2010 2:14 a.m.

    OMG HAHA Larry Butz! He gets sooo annoying. ... Just a second... why is he on here? Isnt this called Top 7 CUTESY characters ect. ect. Since when has a goatee made someone look cute? And you cant burn down his house, he lives with his mom still.
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:07 a.m.

    The ultimate culmination of eye-poppingly cute and sadistic mayhem you'll ever find in this website.
  • rangermaster240 - November 9, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    Why is it that i have ALWAYS wanted to just make a zelda game with microphone ability and just yell at navi, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I KNOW THAT THE CLOUD OVER DEATH MOUNTAIN IS WEIRD!!!! JUST DIE!!!!"
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:27 a.m.

    your forgeting Issun from Okami. id feed him to my lizards or stick him in a microwave and turn it on
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:18 a.m.

    i want Navi's blood. er i mean ectoplasm or whatever shes got.
  • Super_gamer73 - November 13, 2008 3:54 a.m.

    Navi is the most annoying. I like the suggestion for Navi removal.
  • Cwf2008 - December 8, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    Hmm well i guess the Tinkerbell comparison keeps gamesradar from going too ballistic on Navi, but what i'd do is stick a grenade in wherever Navi talks from, tie it to a missle, set it on fire, and then fire it off a cliif.
  • cricket0 - September 22, 2008 2:46 a.m.

    Those characters are kinda nessecary, but as the article says, extremly annoying!
  • Coolbeans69 - August 31, 2008 8:08 p.m.

    lol! Funniest feature yet!
  • evileasterbunny666 - September 9, 2009 12:51 a.m.

    yes yes...... eat that navi REAL good. Look! That frog's tounge getting closer!!!
  • MassEffectfan - September 8, 2009 10:48 p.m.

    all i have to say is damn
  • MoonPig - September 8, 2009 6:37 p.m.

    first, id remove Butz's toinails 1 by 1 with a pair of pliers, then id stick needles in the soft flesh underneath, then id hook them up to a car battery and light his eyelashes on fire and THEN id get NASTY! also, make Navi die please
  • melloe - April 28, 2009 8:30 a.m.

    HAHA I love Pikachu's cheap-ass lightning attacks in Super Smash Bros
  • Bov11 - April 5, 2009 1:05 a.m.

    whatserface from King Kong.
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 3, 2009 12:45 a.m.

    HEY!!!! oh wait you already knew what i was going to say because ive said it 100,000,000,000,000,000,000... times? Oh ill stop....HEY!!! Oh ya...HEYEHEYEHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY......BOOM HEADSHOT!! What i have always thot the WHOLE TIME
  • pjbuhl - February 7, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    what about the begger lady from assasin's creed she always messes up my missions =/

Showing 1-20 of 25 comments

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