Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

Contributors: AJ Glasser & Brett Elston
Art by: Tyler Wilde 
Face: Chris Antista

Admit it - you’ve thought about choking quite a few videogame characters to death. Whether it’s an annoying sidekick or a particularly tough boss, there’s no denying that the urge to bust somebody in the mush hasn’t seized you. There are a lot of deserving punks we could put into this article - but the most irritating offenses come from the cutest characters. Those fluffy types just there to make a game more friendly, more fun... and more *shudder* cute.

You know what we’re talking about. “No, irritating menu sprite, I don’t want to save my game - yes, I’m sure!” or “Dammit, truculent NPC that has something I want but won’t sell it to me, I’ve gotten your thirty rat butts, now hand it over!”

The aggravation is endless and we don’t blame even the most mild-mannered of you for snapping once in a while and wanting to drive a spike through the eye of even the most adorable gaming character out there. But let us cash in on your anger with our Top 7 Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of - go on, let your inner sadist loose.

7. Pikachu, Pokemon series - (AKA “Pokeman,” “That Yellow Rat,” and “Ash’s Number One Bitch”)

Why:
One look at that little yellow face and we can feel the hate flowing. Okay, he’s not that bad of a character to have in your Poke-repertoire and the faint-hearted Pokemon lovers among you may want to skip this page. But for the rest of is - F#*& this little yellow f#*&er.

He’s so annoying with is constant blathering and immunity to lightning - and what’s with lording his superiority over other, more deserving pokemon by hogging the anime limelight. Pikachu is not that powerful, he’s not that rare and he’s not even a shiny; so why does this little bastard get all the attention and get to be in Super Smash Bros. where he incites us to greater rage with his cheap-ass lighting attacks. For someone on whom the entire Poke franchise is pinned, could we please have a character who can say more than his own name?

How we’d do it:
There’s an easy way to do this and fun way to do this: A) a spiked bat and a bottle of hot sauce or B) a grounding spike driven right through his eye.