More more more! Sequels need more! But not just more of what you already liked, NEW things! New things that are DIFFERENT and look good on the back of the box! Or maybe they don’t. Here’s a simple way to determine if what you’re adding is worth adding:
If you checked “yes,” then your new feature is f***ing stupid, and your game doesn’t need it. Introducing features for novelty’s sake only make us resent you for treating us like wide-eyed four-year-olds. We aren’t so easily pleased. Well, actually, we are pretty easily pleased – just introduce logical new features which advance your game’s core appeal without jumping the shark. Add stuff that matters, not this nonsense.
You know what racing game has motorcycles? Moto GP. Project Gotham, you didn’t need motorcycles. Burnout, you didn’t need motorcycles either. You know what definitely didn’t need motorcycles?
Above: Shell’s Angels?
Grand Theft Auto is one of the few series that benefited from the addition, because motorcycles conform to its formula. GTA was never about the cars, it was about destroying order by any means. Cars, motorcycles, boats, planes… whatever it takes to get what you want. Car racing games, however, can stay the hell away, unless they actually plan on mastering motorcycle physics, and aren’t just sticking them in because they look cool, which they usually are.
The sign of a dying sitcom is the introduction of a new character. The same is not always true for game series – the introduction of Diddy Kong didn’t hurt Donkey Kong Country. Dixie Kong, strutted in to Donkey Kong Country 2, however…
Above: The hair, the eyelashes… it’s all so wrong
And don’t get us started on Sonic’s cast of misfit anthropomorphic twats. Tails, Knuckles, Amy Rose, Big the Cat, Blaze the Cat, Cream the Rabbit (ew), Silver the Hedgehog, and don’t forget the werehog. WEREHOG.
Above: Sega’s “werehog” next to an etymologically correct WEREHOG (Kidrobot’s rendition of Manhunt’s Piggsy)
Stop it! If you absolutely must add a new character, do it subtly – don’t make us deal with a certain glowing blue ball for the entire game. You know who I’m talking about, that whiney, demanding bitch.
5. “Unprecedented realism”
This one isn’t actually an addition, it’s just a statement. Every new sports game boasts UNPRECEDENTED REALISM. We assume that if you’re releasing an upgraded version of your last game, there will be more realism, unless you’re not striving for realism, so you can stop telling us that this game is more realistic than the last. Seriously, look at these excerpts from the feature descriptions of the last four Madden games:
Madden NFL 07: “Feel like you’re actually playing a football game!”
Madden NFL 08: “The most realistic NFL gaming experience ever.”
Madden NFL 09: “Most authentic gameplay ever.”
Madden NFL 10: “Unprecedented Authenticity.”
Notice how they get more concise – it’s as if even they realize how meaningless the statement is. We get it, each football game is more footbally than the last. Good job.
Above: Wait, so you’re saying that Madden 10 is slightly better than Madden 09? NO