To celebrate Ice Age 3 evolving into cinemas, we've decided to bring together the biggest and crappest dinosaurs in movie and telly history for a big toothy tussle.
These leathery lunatics can’t wait to snap and gnash their way into fight history, so we’re going to open the massive arena doors and see which dino makes it out of the enormous coliseum without getting made extinct…
The Spitting Dinosaur is partially based on the Dilophosaurus, but it’s mostly based on the bit in Raiders Of The Lost Ark when Indy has to dodge a load of darts.
Because, sadly, no real dinosaur has the power to gob out corrosive spittle into fat blokes' faces, more’s the pity.
Gobbing Score: 10
Fancy Frill Factor: 10
Looking Like A Big Purple Twat Score: 2
Famed for his friendly nature and his optimistic attitude, Barney’s hobbies include singing, dancing and hanging around with cheery kids.
He’s got no chance against the venomous fury of the Spitting Dinosaur.
Barney wanders into the woods, looking for his friends, who have abandoned him to go and sit in front of their PS3s.
Barney’s singing a jolly song about the leaves in the trees being just like you and me when the Spitting Dinosaur pops out of nowhere.
“Why, hullo little fella,” Barney says.
The Spitting Dinosaur turns his head to one side.
“Would you like to be my friend?” Barney says.
The Spitting Dinosaur pops out his frill.
“Aren’t you handsome,” Barney says. “Let’s do a dance about being dino buddies!”
The Spitting Dinosaur hocks up some acid and mouth-chucks it into Barney’s mush.
“My eyes! My eyes! Oh dino-Jesus save me, my eyes! My eyes are melting!”
Barney’s eyes turn his purple cheeks gore-pink and Spitting Dinosaur slinks off into the woods, job done.
Gobbing Score: 0
Fancy Frill Factor: 0
Looking Like A Big Purple Twat Score: 10
Rex is pretty much the most cowardly dinosaur in cinema history.
So insecure that he’s moved to quote Back To The Future at the thought of Andy buying another dinosaur (“I don't think I can take that kind of rejection!”) it’d take a pretty big dino-wimp to lose to Rex.
Size Score: 2
Plastic Power : 8
Idiocy Ranking: 9
Dino is a prehistoric pooch so eager to please that Fred Flintstone has to chuck him out every night, just to get a bit of peace.
But when Fred decides to lock Dino in the toy room instead of sticking him on the front step, all hell breaks loose.
Thinking that his greatest fear has been realised and Andy has indeed bought a new, extremely complex, dino-toy to replace him, Rex finds his courage and decides to tear the stuffing out of it.
He hooks his teeth into Dino’s tummy and tugs hard, realising too late (when he’s covered in slippery Snorkasaurus innards) that his new friend isn’t a toy at all.
Depressed as a result of his murderous actions, Rex hangs himself with Woody’s lasso. He’s still declared the winner of the fight, though.
Size Score: 5
Plastic Power: 0
Idiocy Ranking: 10
The psychotic title terror isn’t actually a Carnosaur at all, but a Deinonychus. Which is the sort of attention to detail we respect in dino-fights.
Whatever he is, he enjoys tearing faces from civilians. Oh, and his mum is a woman who was impregnated with a dinosaur egg. Don’t ask…
Human Mum Factor: 10
One-Liner Score: 0
Shirt Collection: 0
Homer Simpson rip-off Earl Sinclair is a boorish, sexist idiot. Like Carnosaur, Earl is able to impregnate women with dinosaur eggs.
Unlike Carnosaur, those eggs lead to annoying children that are partially based on Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson and Joe Pesci.
As for the fight, well, that’s a one-sided affair.
Earls bursts into his habitat bellowing his catchphrase: “Honey, I’m home!”
Unfortunately, he has returned to a scene of carnage.
The Carnosaur is hunched over Earl’s wife Fran, chewing slowly.
Earl looks around and sees his entire family slaughtered.
He will never again hear the catchphrase: “Kick the baby!” He’s secretly pleased about that.
Distracted by the partial good news, Earl doesn’t notice the Carnosaur cornering him.
“Clever boy,” Earl mutters, before the Carnosaur launches at his pendulous stomach.
Human Mum Factor: 0
One-Liner Score: 7
Shirt Collection: 10
Apparently Godzilla is a dinosaur, though we always put him down as a lizard that had been exposed to too much radioactive slime. A bit like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Still, he does have dorsal plates, and the head and body of a T-Rex. At least he did until the 1998 film, but we try not to think about that.
And, anyway, we’re pretty sure those dinosaur guys would have evolved fire-breath eventually.
Allegory Rating: 9
Scrappy Doo Score: 0
Fear Factor: 8
Introduced as the Scrappy Doo to Godzilla’s Scooby for Hannah Barbera’s cartoon spin-off, Godzooky had the voice of Captain Caveman and the charm and grace of Jar Jar Binks. We hate him.
So there’s only one thing left to do. Call Godzilla.
Godzooky is skidding around on the deck of a boat like a prat (again), and Captain Majors finally snaps, pressing the red button he inexplicably carries in his pocket, summoning Godzilla.
Tired of being tugged out of the ocean to sort out every little problem in Majors’ life, Godzilla torches the boat, taking Godzooky with it. Flawless Victory.
Allegory Rating: 0
Scrappy Doo Score: 10
Fear Factor: 0
Theodore Rex probably signalled the exact moment that Hollywood decided to give up on original ideas, turning to sequels and remakes instead.
And if original thought leads to a buddy cop partnership involving Whoopi Goldberg and a talking dinosaur in a vest, maybe remakes are for the best.
Human Traits Score: 10
Unexpectedly Straight-To-Video Factor: 10
Fashion Sense: 3
Denver’s another dino with human traits, but instead of trying to eat criminals, he hangs around with kids and plays the electric guitar.
Theodore wears a vest, Denver wears Wayfarers. They’re both idiots.
In one of the shortest scraps in dino-fight history, Denver is playing air guitar when he bumps into Theodore.
Rex pulls out his piece and shoots Denver in the face. Maybe Theodore isn’t so bad after all.
Human Traits Score: 8
Unexpectedly Straight-To-Video Factor: 0
Fashion Sense: 10
The king of the movie dinosaurs. Steven Spielberg used his time machine to drag a real-life T-Rex into the ‘90s, so he could make it the star of Jurassic Park.
Seriously, it’s the only way to explain that film.
Being A Total Bad-Ass Score: 10
Hit Singles Score: 0
Cross-Dressing Factor: 0
Unfortunately, Steven asks ET to pilot the time machine, the little chap gets a bit confused and he taps in the wrong co-ordinates on the journey home with his massive finger.
The boys end up in the Top Of The Pops studio while T. Rex are performing their hit single Ride A White Swan.
Feeling peckish, the T-Rex decides to go for a Currie (Steve), chomps down on the soon to be ironically named keyboardist Dino Dines, before having Marc Bolan as an elaborately garnished pud.
Spielberg shoves the Rex back into the time machine, resolving to go back and put history right, when he needs new dinosaurs for Jurassic Park 2.
Unfortunately, the event is televised and creates a butterfly effect that changes the space-time continuum, leading to the events documented in this NSFW video.
Being A Total Bad-Ass Score: 0
Hit Singles Score: 7
Cross-Dressing Factor: 10
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