What if... video game characters wrote songs?

It's festival time!
Here in the UK, there's one thing that happens in summer. No, not Wimbledon. OK, two things. No, not incessant rain. OK, look, I'm talking about Glastonbury Festival. Imagine Woodstock, but even more of a washout. The kind of experience where rubber boots are essential, and there's no point even bringing a bar of soap, because everyone stinks for the duration and that's accepted as normal.
But the reason Brits put themselves through such atrocious conditions is simple: wonderful, live music. Which got me to wondering what it would be like if video game characters wrote songs. Turns out they totally do. Some perform, others keep them secret. But I've found lyric sheets for them all. You won't believe some of these...

"Eggman" by Dr Robotnik from Sonic The Hedgehog
They think theyre so flippin' clever cos they always endeavour to make jokes all about me, man
 And I may be slightly oval but when they stand there and ogle and they call me hurtful names, again
 So I'm not stupid, I've already concluded that a change now is needed, man
 'Cos compared to the robots and their furry batteries
I am an Eggman
They say if you cant beat em and youve already eaten all the steak and kidney pies, man
 Then why not just join em cos its bound to annoy em, take away their ammunit-i-on
I dont wanna be Doc Robotnik no more
 Deedpolls the way cos Im totally sure
 I wanna change my name in the eyes of the law
 Cos I am an Eggman
Im an Eggman, Im an Egg Eggman, yes Im an Eggman
 Im a great big man, Im an egghead man, yes Im an Eggman
 I dont want to be teased and hurt no more If a name dont fit then what is it for?
 Im gonna change it now cos Im totally sure
 I am an Eggman
La-la la la la la-la
(spoken) Sonic is so-called because he is faster than a sonic wave of particles in the air
 And Miles Prower is a pun which is clever and Tails is an apt nickname for a freak of nature
Amy is a girl and thats totally fine
 Knuckles has big knuckles so I'm not gonna whine
 Cream is a rabbit, name and colour align
 And I am an Eggman
Im an Eggman, Im an Egg-Eggman, yes Im an Eggman
 Im a round man, very ovoid man, yes Im an Eggman
 Cos compared to the robots that do all my deeds
 Compared to the rings and the polygon trees
 Compared to the Choppers and the Jaws in the sea
 I am an Eggman
La-la la la la la-la
I cant be mislabelled in this world no more
 Theres no point in fighting when the world is so sure
 And nobody really cares except for the core
 So I am an Eggman

"Yellow Car" by Niko Bellic from GTA4
I call my cousin for to go out
 Until the darts place throw us out
 Live American dream so big
 See American teetees also big
(Chorus song)
 Lets call up a yellow car
 It can drive us very far
 Bar or strip club you decide
 In yellow car well safely ride
But when is time up for to leave
 Romans cab no need to thieve 
 Get in Roman, you can drive
 Let us keep the dream alive
Even though I have much drink
 I say Romans driving stink
 Get out cousin, let me drive
 Dont shout, that man is still alive
(Chorus)
(Middle of 8)
 What was bump under our wheels?
 Why does steering heavy feels?
 Get out Roman, check for persons
 I fear our problems badly worsen
Cousin, dont you fear
 I have good idea
Lets call up a yellow car
 Its man will hit less other car
 Teetees for Roman and Niko too
 Yellow car lets ride in you
Come back, yellow car
 Why are you such wavy car
 And why is the ground
 so big and all around
 And why does nose bleed so bad?

"Pika Pika" by Pikachu from Pokemon
Pika pii pika chu / Pika pii-ii-ka-chu
 Pika pii pika pii / Pika pii-ii-ka-chuu
 Pii-ii-ka-piii / Pika Pikachu
 Pii-ii-ka-piii / Pika Pikachu
 Pikachu
 Pika Pikachu pii-ka-pii
Ka-chu Pikachu-u Pii-ii-ka pii
 Pika pikachu-u pii-ii-ka pii
 Chu-u-u-u
Pika Pika
 Pika-Pikachu
 Ka-Chu
 Pika Pika Pii-chu
 Pika Pika
 Pika Pikachu
 Ka-chu
 Pika Pika Pika
Chuuu! Pika Pika pi-chu
 Kaaa! Pika Pika Pii-chu
 Ka-chu
 Pika Pika Pikachu
(Note: Even the most amateur music critics would point out that even though the song is atonally delivered and lacks even basic musical subtlety, it appears Pikachu has simply ripped off Abba's Mama Mia. What a f***ing disgrace.)

"Love bites (nice and hard)" by Resident Evil Zombie
You blow me away
 You blow me away
 Like a shotgun to the face
I want to get inside your head pretty lady
 I wanna get you in my death bed
 I wanna sweet talk you with death threats, baby
 Although I technically said
uuuuuuuUUUUUURRRRG
Chorus:
 Im so itchy
 And youre so tasty
 Urg Arg, Urg Arg
 Im so itchy
 And youre so tasty
 Urg Arg Urrrrrg
They say Im easily bled
 But my hearts an open wound
 Its like you twist a knife in it
 When you twist a knife in it
I hope you like love bites
 I hope you dont mind lifeless nights
 You and me are from different worlds
 All I want is to eat you, girl
(Chorus)
(Death rattle solo)
I like a girl with brains
 I like to chase em round trains

"My Heart is Blue" by Miles 'Tails' Prower from Sonic the Hedgehog
We are the perfect team
 Best buds or so it seems
 Saving the day
 and racing away
 Fistbumps cant sate my dreams
When we first met
 And you called me little guy
 I cannot forget, with instant regret,
 All I said back was hi
I should have corrected you then
 A girl shouldn't pretend...
Sonic and Tails
 Its got a ring to it
 Love never fails
 Alone I can sing about it
 When you run by
 And I catch your eye
 Oh I could fly with you
 My heart is blue
I'd rather be one of the guys
 I'm happy to tag along (tag along)
 'Cos after surprise, the truth after lies
 I know you'd leave me at home
That day on Green Hill
 Thats where I am still
 Chasing you, laughing
 And then we go karting
Sonic and Tails
 Its got a ring to it
 Love never fails
 Alone I can sing about it
 When you run by
 And I catch your eye
 Oh I could fly with you
 My hearts so blue (repeat x3)

"Mario: King of the World" by Mario
(To the tune of the Overworld Theme)
Ma-ri-o
 Is king of the world
 Everyone must love and adore him
 Lu-i-gi
 Is slidey and dim
 No-one really wants to play as him
Stomp on all the heads you see, all of them
 Squish their brains to jam (into jam!)
 That is how king Mario goes, because-a
 He's the king
Breaking things and stamping on things everywhere
 Nothing's safe from him (safe from him!)
 Come on now, get out of the way like right now
 Or you die
Knock back mushrooms and magical stars
 Smash up all of the stage
 That is how the king Mario goes
 Better run while you can hey!
Ma-ri-o
 Is going to find
 The princess and eat up all the cake
 Prin-cess Peach
 Will have to declare 
 love for him 'cos that is the new law
(outro, slow)
 Mario, Mario, worship him!

"Meryl" by Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid
I guess Snake isn't really cut out for being a lyricist.

"Not Picky, Nicky" by Juliet Starling from Lollipop Chainsaw
You could be my Romeo
 And I could be your Juliet
 Thats my name already-o,
 So were halfway thruliet
Nicky is ahead in life
 Jules is gonna be his wife
 Cheering on the football team
 Stop, he's not the ball, that's mean
Woooo! (repeat x 4)
Yeah! (repeat x 16)
A guy don't need no feet or toes,
 Just sugar lips and pixie nose,
 Do I want kids? I don't suppose...
 As long as I have Nicky
(pause)
Hey Nicky,
 Dont feel sicky
 Im not picky
 You're 1ft tall, but not too small
 For a hicky

"30 for a reason" by Ethan Mars from Heavy Rain
Red and blue and yellow too
 Help me pick again for you
 In fact Id gladly buy them all
 To make you stay within the mall
I feel it in every nerve of my body
 Every pore, every finger tip
 Except that one, obviously
 That ones numb a bit
Oh! Its 30 for a reason
 At 30 most children survive
 Oh! Its 30 for a reason
 If I hadnt jumped on you, youd be alive
In my dreams
 Im still pressing X to Jason
 Eternally
 Pressing X to Jason (and sometimes Shaun)
These days Im such a moody git
 I simply cant get over it
 Nor can I forgive myself
 For crushing you under my massive weight
Oh! Its 30 for a reason
 At 30 most children survive
 Oh! Its 30 for a reason
 If I hadnt jumped on you, youd be alive
WHYYYYYYYYYY
 Jason, Jason
 X, X, X, X, X, 
 Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
Jason.
How did you get across that road?
 And how did you not realise you had crossed the road?
 And why did you run across the road
 When I told you not to?
I don't blame myself entirely
 We taught you to cross carefully
 Yet now its pointless pressing X
 All it does now is select.

Sing when you're winning?
There isn't really a question I can ask here. Normally, I'd say something like 'but who did I forget?' or 'who built the pyramids?' or something like that. But I can't really ask you to write a song in the comments based on a video game character's emotional issues. But if you want to have a go, then nobody's going to stop you. Otherwise, feel free to say that it didn't rhyme consistently or Officer Barbrady couldn't have built the pyramids because he isn't thousands of years old. That's also fine.
And if you're looking for more, check out Video game characters' Valentine's Day Cards to each other and Video game characters' criminal records.

Justin was a GamesRadar staffer for 10 years but is now a freelancer, musician and videographer. He's big on retro, Sega and racing games (especially retro Sega racing games) and currently also writes for Play Magazine, Traxion.gg, PC Gamer and TopTenReviews, as well as running his own YouTube channel. Having learned to love all platforms equally after Sega left the hardware industry (sniff), his favourite games include Christmas NiGHTS into Dreams, Zelda BotW, Sea of Thieves, Sega Rally Championship and Treasure Island Dizzy.


