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50 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

Features
By Joshua Winning published 7 June 2012

Woody on love, sex and death

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In The Red

The Quote: "If my films don’t show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

Words Of Wisdom?
Way to turn a negative into a positive, little man. We could all learn a thing or two from this.

Tense Exchanges

The Film: A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy (1982)

The Quote: "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

Words Of Wisdom? Too right. Now if we could just find a way to have loveless sex...

Denial

The Quote: "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Words Of Wisdom?
We agree. We don’t want to be there when Woody Allen dies, either.

You may like
  • Sam Rockwell as The Man From the Future in Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die got me in the mood for more time-travelling fun and these 6 sci-fi comedies fit the bill
  • Stellan Skarsgård and Elle Fanning as Gustav and Rachel in Sentimental Value Elle Fanning and Stellan Skarsgård discuss unlikely friendships and avoiding cliche in Sentimental Value
  • Bill Skarsgård as Tony Kiritsis and Dacre Montgomery as Richard Hall in Dead Man's Wire Bill Skarsgård plays a scorned kidnapper in Dead Man's Wire, a surprisingly funny crime thriller

Palin Comparison

The Quote: "Sarah Palin is a colourful spice in the general recipe of democracy. She's a sexy woman. Yes. Me and Sarah - we could do a romance."

Words Of Wisdom?
Absolutely not – she’d eat every one of us alive and still have room for dessert.

Wish You Werent Here

The Film: Radio Days (1987)

The Quote: "What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people."

Words Of Wisdom? We can say without a shadow of a doubt that regular London commuters repeat this to themselves hundreds of times a week while crammed into a sweaty, stale-aired carriage with an elbow in their groin.

Mulah, Wonga, Green

The Quote: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Words Of Wisdom? So simple. So elegant. So true.

Adieu

The Film: Hannah & Her Sisters (1986)

The Quote:
"I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials."

Words Of Wisdom? Cynical to the max, but a great one to use after a crummy evening out.

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By submitting your information you agree to the Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy and are aged 16 or over.

Teachers Pet

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t tech, teach Gym."

Words Of Wisdom? We hate to say it…

Saturday Night Fever

The Quote: "I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Words Of Wisdom? We’re up for it if you are.

The Greatest Form Of Flattery

The Film: Husbands And Wives (1992)

The Quote: "Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television."

Words Of Wisdom?
It’s true! How many times have you overheard an argument in the street that sounds like it came straight out of EastEnders ?

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Joshua Winning
Social Links Navigation

Josh Winning has worn a lot of hats over the years. Contributing Editor at Total Film, writer for SFX, and senior film writer at the Radio Times. Josh has also penned a novel about mysteries and monsters, is the co-host of a movie podcast, and has a library of pretty phenomenal stories from visiting some of the biggest TV and film sets in the world. He would also like you to know that he "lives for cat videos..." Don't we all, Josh. Don't we all.  

Read more
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