50 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

A Soldiers Life

The Quote: "Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill ’em."

Words Of Wisdom?
A great reason for not joining the army, then...

Bag O Nerves

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

Words Of Wisdom?
Never have we heard a more poetic description of that sickly giddy feeling of falling in love.

Pure Sweetness

The Film: Love And Death (1975)

The Quote: "The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever."

Words Of Wisdom? Nothing against old God, but Allen’s got a point here.

Waiting Tables

The Film: Deconstructing Harry (1997)

The Quote: "Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing’s gotta be the worst fucking job in the world."

Words Of Wisdom? Too right.

Cant Take The Heat

The Quote: "With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke."

Words Of Wisdom? For anybody with a fair complexion this will ring horrifically true.

Why Movies Are Great

The Quote: "It’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."

Words Of Wisdom?
In other words, thank heavens for escapism.

Infectious Enthusiasm

The Quote: [ Responding to fans, sceptical of his plan to direct an opera ] "I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."

Words Of Wisdom?
Pretty much anybody can relate to this one – we’ve all felt under confident at some point in our lives. Still do, actually.

Share The Love

The Quote: "Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic."

Words Of Wisdom? It all depends on your personal preference, we suppose. Sounds a bit crammed to us.

Female Prowess

The Film: Crimes And Misdemeanours (1989)

The Quote: "Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Words Of Wisdom?
Not so much wise as putting a filthy spin on what we’re sure was a lovely day out.

Veritable Bookworm

The Quote: "I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia."

Words Of Wisdom? In other words: don’t sign up to stupid courses.

Josh Winning has worn a lot of hats over the years. Contributing Editor at Total Film, writer for SFX, and senior film writer at the Radio Times. Josh has also penned a novel about mysteries and monsters, is the co-host of a movie podcast, and has a library of pretty phenomenal stories from visiting some of the biggest TV and film sets in the world. He would also like you to know that he "lives for cat videos..." Don't we all, Josh. Don't we all.