The Evolution Of Jessica Biel
Ulee's Gold (1997)
The Film: Starring Peter Fonda, Ms Biel and a whole load of bees.
Fonda plays Ulee, an old bee-keeper who has to look after his two granddaughters when their parents somersault off the rails.
The Role: Biel was only 15 at the time, which might explain all the studs, eye-liner and attitude.
She gives poor Grandad Ulee a lot of lip.
The Guns: She’s only little, so she’s a bit of a weed.
Get some meat on those bones, girl!
I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998)
The Film: Jake (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) is on a mission to get home from college for Christmas.
It proves to be a lot more difficult than it sounds - with occasionally amusing results.
The Role: Biel plays Allie, Jake’s girlfriend.
Is it just us, or is that kind of creepy? Sure, JTT is a year older than Biel. But he looks about twelve.
In our eyes, he’s still cute little Randy from Home Improvement, and Biel looks way older than her sixteen years.
The Guns: There’s a hint of a bicep, and she’s sure got a sturdy, cowboy-like gait.
Summer Catch (2001)
The Film: Summer Catch is a Freddie Prinze Jr. film. You know what to expect.
The Role: Biel is Allie, the rich girl who comes to Cape Cod every year for her summer holidays.
Freddie falls in love with her, but - oh no! This gets in the way of his sporting commitments.
How will he ever make it into a major baseball team?
We don’t care.
The Guns: That girl is toned . Check out the swimming pool scene.
Her bottom barely wobbles at all.
The Rules Of Attraction (2002)
The Film: James Van Der Beek is in love with Shannyn Sossoman.
But he’s not in love with her enough to refrain from sleeping with her roommate (Biel).
The Role: Biel blondes up to play the promiscuous Lara. This lands her in a lot of trouble.
She gets punched in the face by Van Der Beek.
The Guns: She’s nearly-nude in this one, too.
On one occasion, Lara shimmies down the corridor in her undies, just to get a bit of attention. Her abs are rock- freakin -solid.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
The Film: Director Marcus Nispel took a chainsaw to the 1974 original horror, resulting in screen and real-world butchery.
The remake was horrific. A bit of a massacre, really.
The Role: Biel plays Erin, ‘the feisty one’, who spends much of the movie running around drenched in sweat and, at times, blood.
Buuuut she still looks awesome.
The Guns: Keeps that top rolled up to show maximum midriff muscle.
Blade: Trinity (2004)
The Film: The third in the Blade franchise, Trinity sees the return of Wesley Snipes’ vampire hunter.
This time he’s got company, and he’s going to need it, because there’s a super-duper… wuper vampire on the loose.
The Role: Abigail (Biel, daughter of Blade’s old pal Whistler) is one mean vampire-killing machine. She’s got knives coming out of her shoes and everything.
The Guns: Biel packs a mega punch with the shoulders of a rugby-player. That’s one broad broad.
The Film: That over-intelligent-robot-goes-nuts premise.
Except this time, the robot is pilot of an F/A-37 Talon stealth aircraft.
The Role : Kara (Biel) is a talented U.S. Navy pilot, chosen to fly a new type of stealth fighter jet. She escapes an air-strike only to crash-land in North Korea.
Out of the frying pan…
The Guns: They manage to shoe-horn in a scene where Biel’s slinking around at a waterfall in a bikini. It's the way all fighter pilots choose to relax.
Even her breasts look muscular.
The Illusionist (2006)
The Film: In olden-days Vienna, Edward Norton is a famed magician.
He falls in love with Sophie (Biel), the fiancee of the Crown Prince. This is a big no-no.
And everyone has British accents, because that's how they spoke in 19th century Hollywood-Austria.
The Role: Sophie is a duchess, and is, arguably, way out of Eisenheim’s league. She falls in love with him, though.
We think this is probably just because her fiancee is well stroppy.
The Guns: Annoyingly hidden under her petticoats and frilly bits!
Home Of The Brave (2006)
The Film: A group of soldiers – among them Samuel L Jackson and 50 ‘Fiddy’ Cent – return home from fighting in Iraq.
They discover that adapting to ‘normal life’ is not as easy as they’d expected.
The Role: Vanessa Price (Biel) is wounded during a humanitarian mission. Somebody had hidden a bomb in a dead dog.
The Guns: There’s a shot where Vanessa gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around her body. The camera focuses on her really nice back, for some reason.
The Film: Nicolas Cage is Cris Johnson, a Las Vegas magician with the power to see the future. Yes - a bit like in Knowing .
Wait, it gets better.
He’s recruited by the FBI to catch terrorists.
The Role: Biel is Liz, the girl of Cris’ dreams.
Literally. He dreamt about her before ever actually meeting her.
The Guns: There’s another getting-out-of-the-shower scene, though not as much flexing. We think that she’s trying to shift that hard-girl image and play it feminine and demure.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007)
The Film: Chuck and Larry (Adam Sandler and Kevin James) are two macho firefighters.
They’re both single but manage to come up with a cunning plan in order to receive domestic partner benefits: getting married.
The Role: Unfortunately, their lawyer, Alex (Biel), is super-sexy – but smitten Chuck can’t make a move for fear of blowing his cover.
The Guns: Yes, Biel gets her kit off in this one too. You could crack your skull on those hip-bones.
Easy Virtue (2008)
The Film: Based on a Noel Coward play, Easy Virtue is a comedy about a wealthy English family coming to terms with an unwelcome addition to the family.
The Role: Larita (Biel) is the unwelcome addition.
She's an American widow with scandalously loose morals who weds John Whittaker (Ben Barnes) in the south of France.
Her new mother-in-law (Kristen Scott Thomas) is less than impressed.
The Guns: During her tango with Colin Firth, everything is way taut.
Powder Blue (2009)
The Film: The movie which proved to be Patrick Swayze’s last on-screen appearance.
An ensemble cast leads a gritty drama about a group of relative strangers embroiled in L.A.’s seedy underworld.
The Role: Rose Johnny (Biel) is a stripper who dances at Swayze’s night club.
She goes upside down with a fag in her mouth and everything.
The Guns: As she writhes about on the floor, you can actually see the contours of the muscles in her butt-cheeks. We didn’t even know that bottoms had muscles.
Planet 51 (2009)
The Film: Out this week, Planet 5 1 stars Duane 'The Rock' Johnson as an astronaut who lands on what he thinks is an uninhabited planet.
Turns out it’s virtually an alien Pleasantville, and he’s the extra-terrestrial.
The Role: Biel is the voice of Neera, one of the little green people. At no point does she take her clothes off or wiggle her bottom at men.
Instead, she plants flowers and wears skirts.
The Guns: Alas, Neera’s Family Ness -esque torso isn’t quite as well sculpted as Biel’s. And she’s fully clothed throughout the entire film. What a swizz...