Gaming's most piss poor disguises

Every character in the history of games is a simpering moron. That's the only explanation we can think of that solves the mystery of how the virtual stars below managed to fool everyone with the most half-assed, obvious costumes since Zorro chose the smallest Spanish mask in existence and thought: "F*ck it, who'll know." And whether dressing up as the enemy, the opposite sex or a homicidal clown, these characters rubbish disguises rarely got rumbled.

Marcus and Dom get their Locust on

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Gears of War 2: Dark Corners

The moment where Gears jumped the basking shark and went all Some Like it Hot. Just replace the heroes trying to get in Marilyn Monroe’s undergarments with, y’know, trying to infiltrate a Locust lair dressed as Theron guards.

Though the Locust are described as having excellent depth perception and can see perfectly in total darkness, none of the scaly bastards clocks the fact there are two very clearly massive human jocks sneaking among their ranks. Even though Marcus and Dom never bother to conceal their insanely manly faces. We guess we’ll just put it down to Locust randiness throwing off their senses. Afterall, those COG boys are clearly handsome S.O.B.s.

Amaterasu disguises herself with a bit of paper

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Okami

The godly white wolf can do anything with that Celestial Brush of hers. From offing demons to restoring nature, it truly is an artistic utensil from the heavens. Hell, it’s so good it can even trick a bunch of monsters into thinking a glorified dog is one of them, just because it's wearing a piece of paper with a doodle on it.

Now that is David Copperfield trickery of the highest order. The illusion of the magic doodle is so strong, it doesn’t matter what you actually draw on the bit of A4. A smiley face, a giant cock, Jeff’s Goldblum’s rugged, speccy features; it’s all good and it’ll all completely fool Okami’s dastardly imps.

Cloud's hooker outfit

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Final Fantasy VII

During his quest to save the world from the evil Sephiroth, Cloud Strife has to face many hardships. But if you think the worst is seeing his bit on the side Aeris get gutted by his arch nemesis’ sword; think again. No, his most challenging moment comes when he has to disguise himself… as a smoking hot hooker.

Trying to find a no gooder who is partial to ladies of the night, our hero acquires some sexy cologne, a diamond tiara and a wig by doing good deeds for folk, so he can sneak into a brothel. Combine these alluring accessories with a cute little dress that flatters Cloud’s hips and you have the most convincing cross-dressing disguise this side of Mrs. Doubtfire. In fact, it makes Cloud look so damn feminine, the escort-loving baddie chooses him over the slinky (alright, really blocky Aeries and Tifa). Still wouldn’t, mind.

Captain Qwark's 'sexy' nurse

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time

Apparently, robots can’t tell the difference between nurses and eight foot tall, built like brick shithouses, superheroes. Observe.

How else can you explain Ratchet and Clank’s megalomaniacal metal man allowing Qwark, the most preening self promoter in the galaxy, to infiltrate his inner circle while dressed in this little getup…

In fairness to Qwark, though, dude can rock some serious lipstick.

David Meikleham
Google AMP Stories Editor

David has worked for Future under many guises, including for GamesRadar+ and the Official Xbox Magazine. He is currently the Google Stories Editor for GamesRadar and PC Gamer, which sees him making daily video Stories content for both websites. David also regularly writes features, guides, and reviews for both brands too.