BLOG What Was R2-D2 Really Saying? Part V

SFX blogger Steven Ellis continues his mammoth task translating all R2’s bleeps and whistles into English

STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

INTERIOR: CREATURE’S HOUSE

Artoo, peeking in the window, sees the inside of the house – a very plain, but cozy dwelling. Everything is in the same small scale as the creature. Luke sits cross-legged on the floor of the living room. The creature is in his little kitchen cooking up a meal. The stove is a steaming hodgepodge of pots and pans. The wizened little host scurries about chopping this, shredding that, and showering everything with exotic herbs and spices. He rushes back and forth putting platters on the table in front of Luke, who watches the creature impatiently.

ARTOO (from outside the window) : Excuse me? Look, it’s really raining out here! Can I come inside? Please? I don’t want to get a rusty dome… Anyone got a brolly?
LUKE: Look, I’m sure it’s delicious. I just don’t understand why we can’t see Yoda now.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : (sigh) He is Yoda!
CREATURE: Patience! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?

Moving with some difficulty in the cramped quarters, Luke sits down near the fire and serves himself from the pot. Tasting the unfamiliar concoction, he is pleasantly surprised.

LUKE: How far away is Yoda? Will it take us long to get there?
ARTOO (from outside the window) : HE IS YODA!!!
CREATURE: Not far. Yoda not far. Patience. Soon you will be with him. (Tasting food from the pot) Rootleaf, I cook. Why wish you become Jedi? Hmmm?
LUKE: Mostly because of my father, I guess.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Oh, hell! Everything you know about your dad is a lie! Oh, why didn’t I do that linguaphone course?
CREATURE: Ah, your father. Powerful Jedi was he, powerful Jedi, mmm.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Hah! That’s not what you said at the time though is it? He was a spoiled brat and you saw that straight away. Couldn’t wait to palm him off on someone else.
LUKE: Oh, come on. How could you know my father? You don’t even know who I am. Oh, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. We’re wasting our time.

The creature turns away from Luke and speaks to a third party.

CREATURE: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

Luke’s head spins in the direction the creature faces. But there is no one there. The boy is bewildered, but it gradually dawns on him that the little creature is Yoda, the Jedi Master, and that he is speaking with Ben.

BEN’S VOICE: He will learn patience.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Who said that?
YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.

ARTOO (from outside the window) : His father wasn’t angry; he was just a moody git. He got angry after he lost all those limbs and got burned and had his lightsaber stolen, all by his supposed best friend and who can really blame him? Eh? Wait… Is that dead Obi Wan? Is he a ghost now? Hello? I can’t see. Hello? Damn, I wish I had fuel in my rocket legs.

BEN’S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Oi! Dead Obi Wan you are such a lying git! Qui Gon taught you! Am I the only one who remembers Qui Gon? He was the only good Jedi you lot had.
YODA: Hah. He is not ready.
LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I... Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I’m ready.

Trying to see Ben, Luke starts to get up but hits his head on the low ceiling.

ARTOO (from outside the window) : Bloody hell Luke. The penny finally drops! Yes! He is Yoda… Luke Skywalker; Great Jedi hope for the galaxy… You are so lame!
YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. (To the invisible Ben, indicating Luke) This one a long time have I watched. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!
BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you’ll remember.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : You’ve been watching him all this time? You're the one who dumped him on a sand castle in the arse end of nowhere with bugger all to do. No wonder he’s so bored.
YODA: He is too old. Yes, too old to begin the training.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Too old? You're the one who’s had him stuck on Tatooine all this bloody time! Why didn’t you come get him sooner if he’s so bloody important?
LUKE: But I’ve learned so much.

Yoda turns his piercing gaze on Luke, as though the Jedi Master’s huge eyes could somehow determine how much the boy had learned. After a long moment, the little Jedi turns toward where he alone sees Ben.

ARTOO (from outside the window) : Luke? Don't say yes to anything! It’s all a big plot! Ask them about your dad! They were too lame to deal with the Emperor themselves so they’re dumping it on you! They’ll just end up getting you killed!
YODA: Will he finished what he begins?
LUKE: I won’t fail you – I'm not afraid.
YODA: (turns slowly toward him) Oh, you will be. You will be.
ARTOO (from outside the window) : Oh, please...

See the first four parts of this feature here , here , here and here

Dave is a TV and film journalist who specializes in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He's written books about film posters and post-apocalypses, alongside writing for SFX Magazine for many years.