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The Reduced SFX Company presents Series Five (or 31) in one compact and bijou script



Yeah, like you don’t know already: a very old man who gets younger flies around in a blue box. He’s incredibly important, bad guys hate him, he has a magic screwdriver, yada yada yada. Whatevs.


A space vehicle known as the TARDIS tumbles through space and time to a brand-new theme tune.

VIEWERS: We liked the old music! Where’s the diddly-dum, diddly-dum gone? How dare you change it! IT’S A CLASSIC!
STEVEN MOFFAT: Crap. Off to a good start, then.


We meet a LITTLE GIRL with ginger hair. Her name is AMELIA . There is a dodgy-looking CRACK on her bedroom wall. She’s all alone in her house at night, which is REALLY NAUGHTY of her family. She meets THE DOCTOR and invites him into her home.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT BRIGADE: Excuse us, but showing a young girl inviting a total stranger into her house doesn’t set a good example to the children watching this.


THE POLITICALLY CORRECT BRIGADE: Excuse us, but showing said stranger dipping phallically-shaped fish fingers into her custard is far too suggestive for the children watching this.
THE DOCTOR: Wow, if you’re offended already, wait till you get a load of the short skirts that are coming up...

The LITTLE GIRL grows up. She is wearing a VERY SHORT SKIRT and is dressed as a KISSOGRAM . She HANDCUFFS THE DOCTOR . Later, one of her friends is shown looking at PORN in the internet.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT BRIGADE [Trembling]: What is this new devilry?
THE DOCTOR: Welcome to the Moffat years, baby! I’ll be headbutting people soon, have no doubt…


AMELIA is now referred to as AMYPOND . People very rarely call her AMY or POND , only AMYPOND . This is FORESHADOWING because she is IMPORTANT and IMPORTANT PEOPLE ON DOCTOR WHO are always known by both their names. See: DONNANOBLE and DAVE ROSS .

AMYPOND: Not only am I ginger and wear very short skirts, I am also very Scottish!
THE DOCTOR: You are a true trailblazer, Amypond. You’re clearly very important in some way. My suspicion is that your importance will be revealed in the finale.
AMYPOND: Did I mention that I’m Scottish?

THE DOCTOR takes AMYPOND on lots of ADVENTURES . They visit WORLD WAR TWO and meet WINSTON CHURCHILL , come face-to-stalk with DALEKS , find themselves riding a SPACE WHALE and encounter some VAMPIRES in VENICE .

AMYPOND: Scotland’s still better than any of this.
THE DOCTOR: Wales isn’t bad either.


THE DOCTOR uses his SONIC SCREWDRIVER to save the day over and over again. From now on the SONIC SCREWDRIVER will be known as the DEUS EX MACHINA .

THE DOCTOR: I need to short-circuit this thingamummy wotsit to save the world! Let me apply some deus ex machina right here... Hey, while I’m doing that, do you like my bow tie? Bow ties are cool.
VIEWERS: [ staring at him ]

The TERRIFYING WEEPING ANGELS return. This time they are not quite as TERRIFYING , even though there are more of them, mainly because their actions DON’T MAKE SENSE .

THE DOCTOR: Hmm. There are so many angels in this enormous spaceship/cave thing that technically we should all be dead by now because nobody could possibly keep an eye on every single one of them.

The set is HUGE and WAY MORE IMPRESSIVE than MEDUSA’S LAIR in the recent movie CLASH OF THE TITANS .

STEVEN MOFFAT: And we did all this for 50p and a few bagels from the BBC canteen to coax on the FX team!
THE DOCTOR: Well done! Louis Leterrier could learn a thing or two from you. By the way, do you like my bow tie? Bow ties are cool.
STEVEN MOFFAT: [ staring at him ]

Even though she is supposed to be marrying RORY , AMYPOND tries to SNOG THE DOCTOR .

THE DOCTOR: Steady on Amypond. Who do you think I am? David Tennant?


AMYPOND ’s fiance, RORY WILLIAMS , joins them on their ADVENTURES . The Doctor seems to be taking AMYPOND on a guilt trip to remind her she’s supposed to be MARRYING him. He is nice but a BIT DIM and his favourite hobby appears to be DYING . Just as we start to REALLY LIKE HIM , he is KILLED (again) and erased from history by the EVIL CRACK which is popping up around the UNIVERSE . Amy doesn’t even remember him. It is TRAGIC .

AMYPOND: I’m sure there was something I was supposed to do. Memory like a sieve, that’s me.
THE DOCTOR: [Sad] Let’s go and meet Van Gogh. That’ll cheer you up.
AMYPOND: Why would I need cheering up? I just found this wicked ring and if I flog it on eBay I could probably afford some longer skirts!


THE DOCTOR takes AMYPOND to see VINCENT VAN GOGH . We know this episode was written by RICHARD CURTIS because BILL NIGHY is in it, although there’s no sign of HUGH GRANT . BILL NIGHY is wearing a BOW TIE .

THE DOCTOR: Hey, you’re wearing a bow tie! Aren’t bow ties cool?
BILL NIGHY: Er, um, why, yes, actually they are.
VIEWERS: [ staring at them ]

VINCENT VAN GOGH turns out to be the most likeable guest star we’ve seen since SALLY SPARROW . The episode makes GROWN MEN CRY .

AMYPOND: We would have had beautiful ginger babies together.
THE DOCTOR: This show definitely has a Ginger Agenda this year. I approve.
AMYPOND: There’s a bit of a Scottish Agenda going on, too. I also approve.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: What happened to my Gay Agenda?
THE DOCTOR: You’ve had your time, I’m afraid. We’re changing them every year. In the next series we’re featuring the Re-use Your Plastic Bags To Save The Environment Agenda and the Breast-feeding In Public Is Okay Agenda. Should be fun. Geronimo!


The show has reached its FINALE , which involves lots of BIG THINGS including a box called the PANDORICA and the EVIL CRACK destroying the UNIVERSE . It also features RIVER SONG who may or may not be the Doctor’s future wife, past enemy, a living embodiment of The TARDIS, the Rani, Boadicea or an ER doctor.

RIVER SONG: One day, Doctor, we will be married. Until then I will be so fabulous and ballsy that you will slowly fall in love with me, or whatever it is that Time Lords do when they choose a mate. If, indeed, we do ever get married, seeing as I could be stringing you along because I have a Dark Past.
THE DOCTOR: Right-o, then. Go and fly my TARDIS, would you? I need someone to park it somewhere safe.

RIVER SONG ends up making the TARDIS the focal point of an explosion which WIPES OUT THE UNIVERSE .

THE DOCTOR: Tsk. Bloody woman drivers.

A GAZILLION BAD GUYS team up to trap THE DOCTOR in the PANDORICA . In a big twist, AMYPOND ends up in there instead. Who would ever have thought that a box named after PANDORA would contain a WOMAN ? Not us.

THE DOCTOR: This is the most secure and feared containment unit in the history of the universe. Let’s see if I can open it with my deus ex machina... Yes, it works!
VIEWERS: Seriously? Come ON! Is there nothing that damn screwdriver can’t do?
THE DOCTOR: Don’t diss the sonic.

There’s a staggering amount of TIMEY-WIMEY STUFF but in the end THE DOCTOR saves the UNIVERSE with the help of AMYPOND , who is, indeed, VERY IMPORTANT . RORY comes back to life after spending some time as a PLASTIC ROMAN and they GET MARRIED . Everybody is HAPPY . THE DOCTOR even DANCES .

THE DOCTOR: Hey, look, I’m wearing a fez! Fezes are cool !
AMYPOND: I vote that next year we have a Gok Wan Meets The Doctor Agenda.


Script by Jayne Nelson