Why we’d rather be a Wookiee than a Jedi/Sith in The Force Unleashed II

Chewbacca is the man. Well, a big furry alien man thing. And if it wasn’t for that pesky George Lucas putting the kibosh on a Wookiee superhero game, we could have been controlling an arm-pulling, chess-playing space gorilla, instead of that miserable bastard Starkiller in The Force Unleashed.

So in the hope uncle George might be reading, we’ve put together a deadly serious, analytical argument on why a Wookiee game starring Wookiees would be the Wookieest thing ever. And automatically better than any rubbish about Jedis. WOOKIEE!

It would teach you how to speak Wookiee

How often have you watched Star Wars with seething rage every time Han or Luke shares a joke with Chewie that you're not in on because you don't speak freakin' Wookiee. Honestly, it's infuriating. That's why a Wookiee game would be the best thing ever. Not only would it let you twat Stormtroopers over the head with big-ass branches, but with built-in Wookiee subtitles, it would also be educational, teaching you a valuable second language. Learning is fun!

A Wookiee chess minigame would equal the square root of win

After Resi 4's Mercenaries mode, this would be the best bonus game ever. Just imagine learning the intricacies of Holochess from board game-playing Wookiee experts. The best thing? Lose and you can beat your opponent into a bloody, lifeless pulp. Hey, it's only fair. Everyone knows you should let the f*cking Wookiee win. 

Wookiees are friggin’ huge

Bigger is better. With great size comes the ability to lift up evil Imperial Forces, beat Jabba the Hut at arm wrestling and take part in Ewok-tossing tournaments. Sure, Starkiller might be able to toss folk around with the Force. But can he throw a midget in a shitty fur suit 20 feet in the air with the power of his bare hands? Thought not.

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  • thesuperspacejew - May 5, 2010 3:20 p.m.

    Wookies are not to be underestimated.
  • db1331 - May 5, 2010 3:35 p.m.

    Just be thankful you aren't forced to play as Jar-Jar and shut up.
  • Wolverine08 - May 5, 2010 3:47 p.m.

    all for that idea if it lets you pull stupid stormtroopers arms off
  • Link555 - May 5, 2010 3:48 p.m.

    star wars rules (the originals of course)
  • cracker33 - May 5, 2010 4:54 p.m.

    Dave, the only thing I have to say is, "THANK YOU!"
  • pinoklin - May 5, 2010 8:26 p.m.

    Dave my friend you are truly a man.
  • FNG - May 5, 2010 8:42 p.m.

    IF you want to learn wookienese play star wars knights of the old republic
  • Cyberninja - May 5, 2010 10:20 p.m.

    @link why does everyone not like the new movies anyway
  • Onedown - May 5, 2010 11:05 p.m.

    @Cyberninja @Link I actually enjoy all 6. They are all awesome. And to keep this relevant, arm pulling physics would be amazing.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - May 5, 2010 11:36 p.m.

    meesa jar-jar binx me and yoda playstation exclusives we'll be.
  • lovinmyps3 - May 6, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    Wookiee Tarzan = WIN!!
  • crumbdunky - May 6, 2010 3:27 a.m.

    Nah, Star Wars games on console never fee right and not even Chewie and mates can save them now. the films became a weak joke the minute the effin Ewoks appeared with their "teddies battering the Empire with twigs, rubber bands and small stones" battle plan-so only TWO good ones. I'm a bigger fan of the first two movies than anyone I know but the way people stuck with the last four films amazes me as I didn't think they could get worse after Jedi! Anyway, none of the games EVER have impressed me so I failed to see just why anyone was that annoyed with genero Starkiller? Was he really that bad after all the other crap we SW fans have faced? And don't talk about canonical nonsense when canon contains Jar Jar, K? Seriously, who didn't just want to curl up and die the minute that twat appeared to rub insult into the pussy injury the Ewoks started. So, no, whatever they do any new SW game will be average at best and likely not that good. Hell even Battlefront and the MMOs are no great shakes so what did we expect from the SWlite Unleashed franchise? Lucas has totally lost anything he ever had when it comes to SW.
  • philipshaw - May 6, 2010 12:42 p.m.

    Have to agree, couldn't care less about Starkiller
  • darkvare - May 6, 2010 10:44 p.m.

    never liked wookies the prologue of the first is my second most favorite moment on all star wars history the second one being the massacre of wookies on episode 3 followed by the jedi massacgre i love it when the bad guys wins
  • Zeb364 - May 7, 2010 6:28 a.m.

    Nothing against wookies...don't particularly love them but don't have anything against them. That said, how could you possibly want to play as them over a Force user (particularly a Sith).
  • notallgoodnameswheretaken - July 31, 2010 11:27 p.m.

    @FNG That's actually a good idea. And the game is awesome.