Why we’d rather be a Wookiee than a Jedi/Sith in The Force Unleashed II

Chewbacca is the man. Well, a big furry alien man thing. And if it wasn’t for that pesky George Lucas putting the kibosh on a Wookiee superhero game, we could have been controlling an arm-pulling, chess-playing space gorilla, instead of that miserable bastard Starkiller in The Force Unleashed.

So in the hope uncle George might be reading, we’ve put together a deadly serious, analytical argument on why a Wookiee game starring Wookiees would be the Wookieest thing ever. And automatically better than any rubbish about Jedis. WOOKIEE!

It would teach you how to speak Wookiee

How often have you watched Star Wars with seething rage every time Han or Luke shares a joke with Chewie that you're not in on because you don't speak freakin' Wookiee. Honestly, it's infuriating. That's why a Wookiee game would be the best thing ever. Not only would it let you twat Stormtroopers over the head with big-ass branches, but with built-in Wookiee subtitles, it would also be educational, teaching you a valuable second language. Learning is fun!

A Wookiee chess minigame would equal the square root of win

After Resi 4's Mercenaries mode, this would be the best bonus game ever. Just imagine learning the intricacies of Holochess from board game-playing Wookiee experts. The best thing? Lose and you can beat your opponent into a bloody, lifeless pulp. Hey, it's only fair. Everyone knows you should let the f*cking Wookiee win. 

Wookiees are friggin’ huge

Bigger is better. With great size comes the ability to lift up evil Imperial Forces, beat Jabba the Hut at arm wrestling and take part in Ewok-tossing tournaments. Sure, Starkiller might be able to toss folk around with the Force. But can he throw a midget in a shitty fur suit 20 feet in the air with the power of his bare hands? Thought not.