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If game characters used dating sites

Everyone deserves a little love in their life. It doesn't even matter if you're a fictional construct of animated polygons and voice-over work. But it's hard for game characters. With all of that scripted behaviour dictating that they spend so much of their time saving, killing or conquering things, carving out a social life can be a challenge.

So it's no surprise that they might turn to the convenience of internet dating sites. And if they did, it might go a bit like this.



But those are just four. After over three decades of games, there must be legions of lonely characters out there. So we want your suggestions. Throw together some text for a game character personal ad of your choice, then stick it in the comments, the forums, or on our Facebook page. The best ones will be read out on an upcoming podcast, and if we get enough we might even make a whole new feature for them.

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45 comments

  • SandroTheMaster - March 12, 2010 7:42 p.m.

    @DeathWolf It wasn't mach about making them veritable as about making fun of the characters through the the fame they have outside the games.
  • DeathWolf - March 12, 2010 12:54 a.m.

    i thought the people who made this do not know the characters at all
  • SandroTheMaster - March 11, 2010 10:02 a.m.

    Holo_Brain_2 Thousand-some years old looking for a nice girl to engage in long, deep, exhilarating, intense verbal interaction, oh yes, verbal interaction. Preference to cybertronically enhanced cyborgs, but open minded to liberal, clever citizens, oh yes, from the federation. And even religious warmongers, as long as philosophically inclined and not in a hurry to burn me to ash, oh yes. Relationships: Last one ended in disaster, oh yes, disaster. She was such an accomplished girl, and a fine bodyguard. A talented commander as well, oh yes, very talented. But she was blown by a dirty traitor. Have Kids: Oh yes! Billions upon billions of them. However, more directly 2. One almost killed the entire galaxy, but the other is not too bad, oh yes, not bad at all. Want Kids: No, oh yes, no. I've got plenty already, and I'm afraid I can't have them normally by intercourse, oh yes, not normally at all. Ethnicity: I believe I was Caucasian, oh yes, Caucasian. My projection looks that much, but it doesn't matter. I believe now the term is "Brain-in-a-Jar", but my last relationship said I was quite the "Snuggliest little brain-in-a-jar-ever", oh yes, ever! Body type: Limp, surrounded by fluid, oh yes, fluid. Height: About 62 centimeters from top of my Cortex to the bottom of my Coccygeal, but that is hardly relevant, oh yes, hardly indeed. Religion: Atheist, but interested in the philosophical implications and applications of the "Way", oh yes, interesting indeed! Smoke: No, oh yes, no. Even if I wanted to, it'd be hard to light a cigar in the fluid, oh yes, the fluid! Drink: Mostly the fluid that nourishes me and lubricates my components, it mostly has no effects on my synapses, oh yes, no effect.
  • The_Tingler - March 11, 2010 3:55 a.m.

    Only one page? Poor show. Funny though. Andrew Ryan did have a girlfriend incidentally. The most beautiful stage girl in Rapture, there's posters and Audio Logs for her everywhere - then he brutally murdered her for no apparent reason. Sonic's 'Want Kids' answer should've been "No, I've got too many annoying diminutive associates as it is."
  • GameManiac - March 11, 2010 3:15 a.m.

    I wonder if Navi (or whatever the name of that fairy in that Legend of Zelda franchise) would be a good idea in this article?
  • powerpc127 - March 10, 2010 10:52 p.m.

    Link username: h3ro_of_tim3 Bio: ... *What's that, H3RO_OF_TIM3? You say you are an adventurous outdoorsman looking for a long term female companion to embark on an epic quest with? Preferably a HUMAN? And that extensive knowledge of geography, culture, and animal biology is a must?* ... *Hmmm... So you say don't talk a lot either and prefer to communicate in grunts, if at all, huh?* ... *H3RO_OF_TIM3, are you trying to say that you believe in destiny? I see. If what you say is true, then I believe the ancient legend has come to pass. Legend tells that when darkness falls over the land, a corageous young BOY and a wise, attractive GIRL will join forces to put an end to the powers of evil and return light to the land. H3RO_OF_TIM3, I believe you are that BOY.* Uh-haa? *Do you understand what I just said?* ... *Good.* Relationships: ... *What's that? You've had multiple relationships with fairies, imps, birds, ships, and spirits? And you found that they had a tendency to interrupt everything you were doing to nag and boss you around? I see.* Have Kids: ... *No KIDS, hmm? Ok.* Want kids: ... *You mean you don't want to have KIDS!?* ... *I see. I guess you've had enough people in your life that constantly demand your assistance.* Ethnicity: ... *So... you're Hylian.* Body Type: ... *You say you're small and athletic with pointy ears huh?* Drink: ... *I see. Remember, drinking MILK will replenish 5 HEARTS. Use it wisely.* Religion: ... *Good. I'm glad you believe the ancient legend as well. H3RO_OF_TIM3, you must act quickly if you hope to stop the powers of evil. First head west, to the swamps of darkness. There you will find something that will prove to be quite useful on your quest. Hurry H3RO_OF_TIM3, you must stop the powers of evil.*
  • GodofPS314 - March 10, 2010 9:13 p.m.

    Wow you love beaten up on Sonic. Pretty great aticle but seems like another one you did way back
  • TheWebSwinger - March 10, 2010 8:55 p.m.

    Solid Snake http://i25.tinypic.com/efnpq8.jpg Above: Wanna piece ladies? Bio: Tortured past, looking for a lady to hold before I go supernova. Can love truly bloom on the battlefield? Probably not, or I wouldn't be on this site. I'm a great lover, if you don't mind a bit of a mustache tickle. They don't call me Solid Snake for nothing, if you catch my drift. Will gladly, and skillfully, sneak out of your room if your husband comes home. One caveat: I may potentially be a weapon of mass destruction. Relationships: Nothing serious, though Otacon insists we're dating. I just think he's "nice". Sexuality: Straight, though Raiden makes me feel all tingly. ethnicity: Clone. body type: Lithe and agile. I hope you don't mind wrinkled balls and well-trimmed grey pubes. Religion: The Big Boss in the sky. smoke: til my health bar depletes. drink: Heavily. In fact I'm drunk right now.
  • bonerachieved - March 10, 2010 8:55 p.m.

    haha the best one hands down is andrew ryan. I demand you guys read these over the podcast in the best voices you guys can do!
  • TheWebSwinger - March 10, 2010 8:10 p.m.

    Booo gamesradar, I've seen this same article on so many other gaming sites. Gotta admit though, the execution here is superb. Especially Andrew Ryan. "NO! Says the man in the Vatican. Not until you're married."
  • philipshaw - March 10, 2010 7 p.m.

    I think Gamesradar done this before but the Andrew Ryan was funny
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - March 10, 2010 4:34 p.m.

    @ GoldenMe Who do you think you are?! Great as usual GR.
  • moonwalk_mafia - March 10, 2010 3:58 p.m.

    LOL the Andrew Ryan one was hilarious as was the GLaDOS. The Sonic and Bowser ones, not so much....
  • Noahguy1234 - March 10, 2010 11:37 a.m.

    What is ethnicity?
  • IIIIIACEIIIII - March 10, 2010 11:27 a.m.

    Sonic is a former celebrity for now...Sonic 4 will put him back on his feet, but I think that was hinted at.
  • Evil_AppleJuice - March 10, 2010 7:24 a.m.

    Here here on Isaac Clarke, Kratos, and Peppy. "must be able to preform a barrel roll". Also, how about Francis or Ellis from L4D? OHHHHHH one with Navi! "he needs to be able to listen"
  • Calicard - March 10, 2010 5:55 a.m.

    Bowser's height being variable is hilarious. Mario Sunshine, anyone?
  • reveffect - March 10, 2010 5:48 a.m.

    well how could roman fit into this when by the end of the game....spoiler alert!!!! depending on what you do he either dies or gets married but i could see how you could make one for him from befor he meets mallorie and niko shows up. i think it would be very funny if you guys did one for captain price. a soldier with a sense of fashion, handle bar mustache, likes to do assasination missions in chernobyl and fighting terrorist. and is constantly having his ass saved by a man whos codename is soap.
  • D0CCON - March 10, 2010 4:25 a.m.

    I'm amazed there wasn't one with Roman and teetees.
  • Over1imit - March 10, 2010 2:42 a.m.

    If you have Bowser, you NEED to have Mario, or Cloud. I'm sure you'd be able to think of a lot of things... With Mario, you would obviously mention the "princess who taunts him constantly," and "uses him to rescue her from her bestiality fetishes--errr, kidnappings." And with Cloud, you would definitely have to talk about "getting over his dead girlfriend". HEY, you could even use Barrett and say that "a certain spiky blond went out with him after ignoring the girls...but ended up breaking his heart later". By the way, these are more amusing than the twitter ones. Though that could be because I'm biased and feel like twitter's pointless unless you're some sort of organization <_<.

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