Gaming's most piss poor disguises

Every character in the history of games is a simpering moron. That's the only explanation we can think of that solves the mystery of how the virtual stars below managed to fool everyone with the most half-assed, obvious costumes since Zorro chose the smallest Spanish mask in existence and thought: "F*ck it, who'll know." And whether dressing up as the enemy, the opposite sex or a homicidal clown, these characters rubbish disguises rarely got rumbled.

Marcus and Dom get their Locust on

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Gears of War 2: Dark Corners

The moment where Gears jumped the basking shark and went all Some Like it Hot. Just replace the heroes trying to get in Marilyn Monroe’s undergarments with, y’know, trying to infiltrate a Locust lair dressed as Theron guards.

Though the Locust are described as having excellent depth perception and can see perfectly in total darkness, none of the scaly bastards clocks the fact there are two very clearly massive human jocks sneaking among their ranks. Even though Marcus and Dom never bother to conceal their insanely manly faces. We guess we’ll just put it down to Locust randiness throwing off their senses. Afterall, those COG boys are clearly handsome S.O.B.s.

Amaterasu disguises herself with a bit of paper

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Okami

The godly white wolf can do anything with that Celestial Brush of hers. From offing demons to restoring nature, it truly is an artistic utensil from the heavens. Hell, it’s so good it can even trick a bunch of monsters into thinking a glorified dog is one of them, just because it's wearing a piece of paper with a doodle on it.

Now that is David Copperfield trickery of the highest order. The illusion of the magic doodle is so strong, it doesn’t matter what you actually draw on the bit of A4. A smiley face, a giant cock, Jeff’s Goldblum’s rugged, speccy features; it’s all good and it’ll all completely fool Okami’s dastardly imps.

Cloud's hooker outfit

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Final Fantasy VII

During his quest to save the world from the evil Sephiroth, Cloud Strife has to face many hardships. But if you think the worst is seeing his bit on the side Aeris get gutted by his arch nemesis’ sword; think again. No, his most challenging moment comes when he has to disguise himself… as a smoking hot hooker.

Trying to find a no gooder who is partial to ladies of the night, our hero acquires some sexy cologne, a diamond tiara and a wig by doing good deeds for folk, so he can sneak into a brothel. Combine these alluring accessories with a cute little dress that flatters Cloud’s hips and you have the most convincing cross-dressing disguise this side of Mrs. Doubtfire. In fact, it makes Cloud look so damn feminine, the escort-loving baddie chooses him over the slinky (alright, really blocky Aeries and Tifa). Still wouldn’t, mind.

Captain Qwark's 'sexy' nurse

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time

Apparently, robots can’t tell the difference between nurses and eight foot tall, built like brick shithouses, superheroes. Observe.

How else can you explain Ratchet and Clank’s megalomaniacal metal man allowing Qwark, the most preening self promoter in the galaxy, to infiltrate his inner circle while dressed in this little getup…

In fairness to Qwark, though, dude can rock some serious lipstick.


  • hardcore_gamer1990 - July 18, 2010 11:49 p.m.

    I thought that the Captain Qwark one was an intentional joke, at least...
  • GreyFox87 - July 18, 2010 3:29 p.m.

    I'd also wager Altair of Assassin's Creed fame should be added to this list for his 'monk/scholar disguise'. He seamlessly blends into a group of same white robe wearing scholars/monks and walks past guards. Guards who fail to notice that one of this group has a large sword strapped to his back and an assortment of throwing knives strewn across his chest!
  • dpowers - July 17, 2010 7:05 p.m.

    very good list. the only one you forgot was harry tipper from time splitters future perfect. him in that guard dress? with his mustache and all walking right past other guards? something ain't right about that
  • YuGiOhisbetterthanMagic - July 16, 2010 5:25 p.m.

    what the hell? you could pull the life support? i just dropped a grenade next to him and ran like hell.
  • rxb - July 16, 2010 12:35 p.m.

    In the uk version of FF7 Im sure the honey bee section was cut out.
  • FunkSoulBrother - July 16, 2010 11:49 a.m.

    Once again a hilarious article by the great minds at Gamesradar
  • philipshaw - July 16, 2010 11:38 a.m.

    Great article and the FF7 and MGS3 disguises are the ones that stick out in my mind
  • JayBeat - July 16, 2010 10:18 a.m.

    Great article, great photoshops. The stupidity of the disguises amused me to no end when I played Blood Money back in the xbox days.
  • Spybreak8 - July 16, 2010 3:32 a.m.

    Haha yeah most of these are just like that due to common sense from testing. All the testers were like wtf why is this so hard!? Ok we can code that out. ^^
  • punkasfuq - July 16, 2010 2:36 a.m.

    " Even though Marcus and Dom never bother to conceal they’re insanely manly faces." They're =/= their
  • Thuperman - July 16, 2010 1:51 a.m.

    great article, but no MGS cardboard box?
  • batman5273 - July 15, 2010 11:39 p.m.

    Great article!
  • Psylockerules - July 15, 2010 11:22 p.m.

    clooney line made me guffah!
  • whiteknight1981 - July 15, 2010 10:58 p.m.

    @nomnom52 Sly: "How about-a going home-a for some pasta?" (I think) Bently: "That's the WORST Italian accent I've ever heard!" Made me laugh for 5 minutes.
  • nomnom52 - July 15, 2010 10:37 p.m.

    but...but...what about the disguises in Sly 3? Those were horrible! Especially the Guard one for Venice... How could the flashlight guards, who were giant wolves, let a teeny raccoon in their midst?
  • MetalReborn - July 15, 2010 10:15 p.m.

    ahaha AngryScotsman XD. I drew a giant smiley face on mine, which also entertained me :)
  • Lurkero - July 15, 2010 9:59 p.m.

    I always wished they'd have done something different with the Hitman series. I felt uncomfortable walking around as a bald man with a barcade on the back of my head. There was no way people wouldn't have been watching you after seeing that.
  • axelgarcia1 - July 15, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    what about Prototype... the disguises are good, but you can run into a base and run on walls and glide around and no one gets suspicious... then u lift a crate and they start shooting you? wtf
  • mdhammer - July 15, 2010 8:29 p.m.

    funny article, thank you.
  • RFswitchBlade - July 15, 2010 7:34 p.m.

    I always drew an AwesomeFace on the Okami disguise, lol.

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

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