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Gaming's biggest bastard birds

Videogames have seen many archetypal enemies over the years, from Russian terrorists to rotting zombies. Most of these familiar faces come and go without a problem, but there has always been one type of traditional enemy that never fails to make its presence both known and regretted: Birds.

Big bastard birds, in fact. These feathery fiends have been antagonizing gamers for nigh on twenty years, providing frustration from above in every game they've ever infested. Developers absolutely love using these beaky buggers to harrass gamers, and it's high time they stopped. To stress this point, we've isolated eight of the most bastardly birds in videogame history. Read on as we give these eggy twats the lambasting they deserve.


Castlevania

Castlevania is no stranger to small, annoying enemies. From Fleamen to Medusa Heads, Konami's whip-happy action franchise is responsible for some of the most aggravating monsters of all time. Naturally, the game would introduce birds at some point or another, and they are a complete pain in the arse.

Castlevania's Ravens love to sit and wait for the player to approach, then swoop in a fast, curving arc as part of a hit-and-run attack. Successfully dealing with them involves slow progress and good memory, as once they've landed a hit, getting revenge can be a tricky ordeal. We hate them.


Resident Evil

Really, Capcom? The original Resident Evil games were taxing enough with zombies, killer dogs, and hungry plants to contend with, but when your progress is harried by an army of feathered bullet-sponges, things reach critical levels. They were numerous, small, and hard to hit with Resident Evil's particularly bad targeting system. It seems their sole purpose was to distract the player and waste resources.

One cannot deny they were effective in their task, even if it meant they were total dicks in the process.


Alan Wake

Birds have gone a little bit out of fashion this generation, but Remedy's Alan Wake saw fit to bring them back as some sort of cruel practical joke, and boy have these avian arseholes made up for lost time. The shadowy flocks of Alan Wake are among the most brutal, unrelenting, vicious little sods in videogame history. They will swoop from absolutely anywhere, frequently swarming at Alan's head from obscure angles before flapping out of range at a moment's notice.

Hard to target, fast moving, and appearing in considerable numbers, Alan Wake's possessed crows are everything wrong with videogame birds. Kill them all.


The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

HNNNNNNNNGGGGHHHHH! You'll notice that crows make up a considerable majority of annoying game birds, and A Link to the Past is no exception. These little shitweeds are to be found littering LTTP's overworld, descending from trees in order to execute their cowardly overheard assaults. They love bolting after they've landed a hit, usually drawing players into a fruitless chase that invariably ends with them taking damage from surrounding enemies.

Why would birds even be in league with Ganon? What could they possibly be getting out of that arrangement?

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43 comments

  • justin-shields - February 25, 2012 4:37 p.m.

    That's not being harsh on Pidgey. That's being lenient. The article didn't mention how much of an arsehole it is in battle. You go to attack a Lv22 Pidgey with a Lv22 Meowth in Yellow, and it uses Quick Attack, and scores a critical hit. You hit it with Bite and bring it down to about half. You hit it again, going first because it's not using Quick Attack, and almost KO it, but then it uses WHIRLWIND, WASTING the entire fight. Or you engage it in a long or at least somewhat long fight, and on the turn you're about to KO it, it uses Quick Attack, usually scoring the critical hit it needs to KO your own Pokemon. Pidgey is indeed the biggest arsehole in all of Pokemon history.
  • SUCKxITxEZ - August 2, 2010 10:50 p.m.

    Those fuckin owls in castlevania 3 are such bastards...
  • super0sonic - July 25, 2010 6:52 a.m.

    But but but... I love Pidgey. =(
  • BurntToShreds - July 23, 2010 2:33 a.m.

    I-Mockery already did an article like this: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/nes-birds/
  • Clovin64 - July 22, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    I noticed that most birds in games have the same annoying hit-and-run battle tactics. Try something new you gits! How about if birds in games transformed into a fighter jet and dropped bombs on your head? No wait, birds already do drop "bombs" on your head in real life (and in MGS2). P.S. I think Pidgey is cute. cut him some slack!
  • musclesdylan - July 22, 2010 7:39 p.m.

    do the mutant bird things from gears of war count as em birdsS? if they do they were really annoying stay in the light aaaah
  • sixboxes - July 22, 2010 7:23 p.m.

    I'm with the guys who mentioned Ninja Gaiden. If there were ever asshole birds in a game it was them. I think your followup feature could (and maybe should) just be The Asshole Birds of Ninja Gaiden. I was going to mention the birds in the Smurfs Colecovision game, but it wasn't so much the bird being a jerk as it was the smurf being a pansy. I mean, a blade of grass would kill him. what the eff.
  • Svipdag - July 22, 2010 6:25 p.m.

    Cant believe you guys left off Akuma's trained eagle from Karateka!
  • TrAnMu - July 22, 2010 6:13 p.m.

    What about the bird from wind waker? The big one that kidnapped your sister.
  • SweatyCrease - July 22, 2010 5:40 p.m.

    I was playing the God of War demo once and my 4 year old nephew was watching, his mom walked in the room and he said "look mommy that eagle got boobies!"
  • GameManiac - July 22, 2010 4:47 p.m.

    Birds are only assholes in games because they fly away and become hard as hell to kill after attacking.
  • ThePrivateer - July 22, 2010 4:45 p.m.

    Woah woah woah! Pidgeotto is up there with my favorite Pokemon, give little Pidgey a break!
  • presc1ence - July 22, 2010 1:44 p.m.

    ummm cuckoo = chicken (????) You meant chicken right?
  • HitmanSB07 - July 22, 2010 1:23 p.m.

    Pidgey one is brilliant
  • Ashkael - July 22, 2010 10:26 a.m.

    No mention of cliff racers? Son, I am disappoint
  • philipshaw - July 22, 2010 10:07 a.m.

    I was going to say the ones in RDR but you do more harm to them that they do to you
  • PipGirl - July 22, 2010 9:02 a.m.

    I miss Duck Hunt......... Good article.
  • Hayseyboy - July 22, 2010 9:01 a.m.

    pidgey is cool!!!
  • theemporer - July 22, 2010 6:27 a.m.

    How could you have this article without kaepora gaebora?
  • WickedSid - July 22, 2010 4 a.m.

    Where's a phone booth when you need one?

Showing 1-20 of 43 comments

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