Sometimes the hero doesn’t always get the significant other, off the baddie with a bazooka or walk into a piercing sunset smoking one of Cuba’s finest stogies. No, sometimes they just die. Horribly.
If you like GAME-RUINING SPOILERS, by all means keep reading. If not, run like the wind.
Modern Warfare 1 & 2 (Paul Jackson/Gary "Roach" Sanderson)
Wait, what? You’re telling us the two main faceless protagonists of Infinity Ward’s megaton shooters buy the farm. Well kiss our grits and call them gravy. As devastating as this totally shocking bombshell no doubt is to you, both Sergeant Jackson and Roach fall foul of a nuclear bomb and… eh, Lance Henriksen.
Above: Don’t f*ck with Bishop
But that’s why Infinity Ward crafted Captain Price’s commie-hating moustache and Soap’s Mohawk of Jock justice. To drag us kicking and screaming through the grief and then gently cradle us in their manly hair follicles afterwards. Hmmmm, moustachey.
Above: Just what you want to see during your final minutes
Dino Crisis 2 (Dylan)
It’s always the innocent-looking 80s supercomputers that get you in the end, eh? We can spend hours fighting off raptors, those spitty bastards and the one with a Cretaceous dick so big it can pick up a T-rex in its shitting mouth. But put our time-travelling hero and his newly discovered daughter up against a falling motherboard and a couple of 500lb graphics cards and the game is well and truly up.
Above: Supercomputers - Nature's most deadly killer
Such a sad fate waits our semi beloved Dylan in Capcom’s Triceratops-obsessed shooter. After beating said dinosaur with the sizeable Johnson with some sort of death laser, the poor fella’s daughter has her leg crushed. Refusing to travel back to the present with his partner Regina, he heroically lets himself get splatted alongside his sprog. Regina totally promises to come back for them once she builds another time machine, though. We just have to wait for Dino Crisis 4. Yeah, it’s coming any minute now.
Above: Won't somone think of the dinosaurs?
God of War trilogy (Kratos)
How does one define being dead? The absence of a heartbeat? Not crying when Mufasa carks it in the Lion King? Finding yourself playing Twister with the Grim Reaper in the pits of Hell? The last one sounds pretty much on the money to us. So by that definition the Ghost of Sparta has bitten the big one at least three times.
Above: The dictionary definition of being dead
In the first God of War he gets impaled by a sword thanks to a ridiculously good throw by Ares (seriously, the thing travels like 14 miles). He then has to climb out of the bowels of Hades. Indeed, Kratos becomes so accustomed to visiting the Underworld over the course of the trilogy, he probably gets frequent flyer miles every time he visits. And that’s before we even mention the whole impromptu intestinal surgery with a six foot sword at the end of GOWIII. So yeah, the dude mingles with death and the afterlife a lot. It just never seems to stick.
Above: To Kratos, this is just a paper cut