E3 2014: A bluffer's guide

Keep calm...

E3 2014 has been a storm of amazing games. Microsoft showed 36 games in its 90 minute press conference, and every other major publisher followed suit. Despite that, we still managed to dig up a list of 100 games that you probably missed. It has been--and continues to be--total, digital chaos. As such, youve probably missed a load of news from the show. And that can be hugely embarrassing if your school friends / co-workers / victims expect you to chat knowledgeably about E3 2014.

Well FEAR NOT, my friend. To help you avoid the embarrassment that comes with video game ignorance, Ive prepared a bluffers guide to the show. Its definitely not a joke*. Just have this article handy and you can act like a total expert on every aspect of E3 2014, even if you didnt watch a single video or read any articles. Alternatively, feel free to copy and paste these nuggets of wisdom into the forum / comment-field of your choice to make yourself seem like an absolute guru of cutting-edge opinion. Youre welcome!

*Its definitely a joke.

If you missed the Microsoft conference stare wistfully, and say these things:

Wow--Microsoft showed a lot of Xbox One video games didnt they.

Its good news that Microsoft is not saying as many things about its Kinect motion sensing peripheral, because I don't like that aspect of the Xbox One experience.

Im confident that its ok to like the Xbox One machine again but Im not buying one! (You should also laugh here).

Phil Spencer is a handsome man, and although he mainly deals with houses, he knows lots about games.

Video games journalists hate Microsoft because theyre biased against Xbox, but I dont visit their websites any more because I like the Xbox console now.

If you missed the EA conference nod sagely, and say:

Wow--EA showed a lot of Xbox One, PlayStation 4, and Personal Computer video games didnt they.

The third Dragon Age game looks good. I cant wait to see all the sex scenes in it.

Sports games are the same every year. (It's acceptable to either laugh or snort with derision at this point)

The Sims 4 is for female gamers. That doesnt make me sexist, you understand.

Battlefield Hardline looks good, but I bet it will have lots of technical problems when it first comes out in November.

If you missed the Ubisoft conference pause for effect, then say:

Wow--Ubisoft showed a lot of Xbox One, PlayStation 4, and Personal Computer video games didnt they.

Aisha Tyler is a very good host of video game shows, but shes also a very strong, attractive woman who does the voice of a character in the TV show Archer.

I like Assassins Creed Unity, but it really annoys me that there are no strong, attractive women in it like Aisha Tyler.

Ubisoft is a French company.

I didnt expect Ubisoft to reveal Rainbow Six: Siege, but Im really happy that they did because I like that kind of multiplayer game.

If you missed the Sony conference smile politely, then say:

Wow--Sony showed a lot of PlayStation 4 video games didnt they.

Several months ago, I expected the fifth Grand Theft Auto to be made for PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and PC.

I will definitely play Grim Fandango when it comes to PS4 because I am a seasoned games player, and I remember playing that particular game when I was younger.

It was boring when that bald man talked about comics.

Video games journalists are biased towards Sony. Im ok with that because I own a PlayStation 4, but I dont trust them because of it.

If you missed the Nintendo conference wave your arms enthusiastically, and say:

Wow--Nintendo showed a lot of Wii U and 3DS video games didnt they.

I was blown away clean out of the water from the ground up because of Zelda, but I am also frustrated because Nintendo didnt tell me enough details.

I wish Nintendo would release Super Smash Brothers sooner than they are releasing it.

I love Nintendo because they make fun video games.

Because of Nintendos fun games, their Wii U console will be saved in 2014, and Im probably going to buy one very soon.

What to say about E3 generally

I am sad because Sony did not show The Last Guardian game.

There are too many shooting games these days.

I watched all the press conferences, but I don't care about any of them because I own a PC and / or Macintosh.

I think Rockstars Agent game has been cancelled.

There were many leaked stories before E3 started, and that meant there were fewer surprises at the show.

What to say about next years E3...

There are lots of games for 2015, so we will see many of these games again next year.

By 2015 I think independently published games like Cuphead and Knack will really have taken off.

I think many stories about E3 2015 will leak before the show starts.

I plan to stay awake for all the press conferences next year. I will probably buy lots of snacks and drinks in preparation.

I'll probably buy a Wii U if Nintendo shows lots of good Wii U games next year.

Bluffering

So there you have it: your guide to bluf MOTHER OF GOD, who is that sinister bastard lurking in the background of the Fantasia demo? And what does he want? Oh man, Ill be seeing him in all my nightmares from this day forward. Where was I? Oh yes, leave your comments below. Please remember this feature is meant to be a joke, so if you get all ruffled up about anything in it just breathe. In and out. In and out. Gooooood.

Want more hot E3 2014 coverage? Heres our round-up of the Sony Press Conference. Like a bit of that do you? Youll probably enjoy our Microsoft Press Conference recap too.