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50 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

Party Pooper

The Quote: "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

Words Of Wisdom? Not so much wise as thoroughly depressing.

Cheater Cheater

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Words Of Wisdom? If only this was actually possible...

No Denial

The Film: The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion (2001)

The Quote: "I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't."

Words Of Wisdom? Refreshingly honest it may be, but not exactly the politest way to describe an evening.


The Quote: "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Words Of Wisdom?
Allen needs to take a leaf out of Edith Piaf’s book and forget about regret.

Ever The Optimist

The Film: Play It Again, Sam (1972)

The Quote: Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?

Words Of Wisdom?
Not the comeback we’d necessarily have, but optimistic nonetheless.

Eternal Suffering

The Film: Love And Death (1975)

The Quote: "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness - I hope you're getting this down."

Words Of Wisdom?
We’re trying not to think about this one too much, to be honest. Got a bit of a headache.

Who Wants To Live Forever?

The Quote: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."

Words Of Wisdom?
Dare to dream, Mr Allen. Sadly, that’s unlikely to happen.

Just Keep Swimming

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

Words Of Wisdom? Who needs couples therapy when you’ve got Woody leading the way?

Language Love

The Film: Deconstructing Harry (1997)

The Quote: "The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t ‘I love you’ but ‘it's benign.’"

Words Of Wisdom? We’d say the two most beautiful words in the English language are actually ‘Charlize’ and ‘Theron’.

Selfish Love

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."

Words Of Wisdom? One for the singletons to live by, though probably not to be shouted from the rooftops, eh?