Pokey Man (Daedric armor, The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim)
The statement this armor makes: Tankiness is your highest priority, and nothing less than the highest armor rating in the game will do. You're totally fine with donning the heaviest armor in all of Skyrim, despite the fact that it makes you walk like a lethargic sloth in a vat of molasses. It's slow, OK?! It's slow.
Should you wear it in a fight? For as spiky as this armor is, there are some salvageable parts of it. "The skirt area would probably be okay, functionality-wise," says Johnson. "It's the reverse points that are gonna screw you up. Your shoulders and your helmet would hang up on each other almost certainly." And those rear elbow spikes are bad news, on top of being a total fashion faux pas.
Mean Green (Glass armor, The Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind)
The statement this armor makes: You're so baller, you put freakin' rare gemstones all up in your armor. That was a rhyme, which we inadvertently make every time. You call your armor glass, but it looks like mostly metal up on dat ass. Alright, that's enough.
Should you wear it in a fight? Nah. "If [those jewels] were emeralds, they'd break; they're pretty fragile," says Johnson. And those crystals affixed to the shoulders will fall right out the moment you got into a swordfight. If there's one real-life benefit to the Glass armor, it's this: you'd look exactly like what Johnson describes as the "Green Goblin on steroids."
Bird Cage Skirt (Ashlotte, Soulcalibur IV)
The statement this armor makes: You are one of the weirdest-looking fighting game characters ever, and that's saying something. Despite having the appearance of a petite teenage android girl, your moveset mimics that of the hulking axe-wielder Astaroth. You were drawn and conceptualized by the same guy that did Air Gear.
Should you wear it in a fight? Actually, you could. Johnson posits that the metal skirt might actually stop a blade, though the consequences would be dire. "The problem is, you're running into physics again," says Johnson. "The lower down you hit on that, the more it's going to deflect because of leverage. You're giving them the lever, because the fulcrum would be up around your waist." So what exactly are you saying, Johnson? "If I come in with something heavy and hit it at the bottom, unless its flexible and could move with the force, it would have a tendency to twist your upper body." Ow.
One Leg at a Time (Female Castanic in light armor, Tera)
The statement this armor makes: You are just another victim of a regrettable MMO trope, which states that the better the armor is, the less skin it covers on the female form. And even though you have nothing more than a thin rail covering your upper torso, you at least saw fit to put on some chainmail pants. You gave up one leg into the process, but still, you tried.
Should you wear it in a fight? Sure, why not. "Usually in fighting, you'll have one leg you favor forward," says Johnson, "so if it was the leg she favored forward [that might be effective.]" And asymmetrical armor isn't all that uncommon, particularly in the medieval era. As with most video game armor, the biggest danger to the wearer seems to be themselves. "Whether that mail would stop anything, other than her slicing herself with her armor, would bequestionable," concludes Johnson.
One-Hit Wonder (Sir Arthur, Ghosts 'n Goblins)
The statement this armor makes: You are something of a masochist, going through hell not once but twice to save a damsel. Your dresser drawers are packed to the brim with white cotton, heart-patterned boxers. And you can somehow make a suit of armor materialize on your body just by grabbing a key.
Should you wear it in a fight? Most def; Arthur's default armor is as traditional as it gets. The real question is whether or not it would actually bust apart with a single hit--and amazingly, it actually is possible. "There used to be a form of jousting in the German late medieval period called the Rennen," explains Johnson. "They would actually have pieces that were designed to, when they were hit, explode. So it would actually come apart and pop away in a fantastic manner." Not the entire suit, mind you--usually just the chest piece or shield. But still, it's amazing to think that Capcom's valiant knight might have some historical accuracy.
There's a Face on my Chest (Monoblos Armor, Monster Hunter 3)
The statement this armor makes: You've slain one of the desert's fiercest beasts, which resembles a triceratops / pterodactyl hybrid. You're also totally fine with skinning such a majestic animal and draping its carcass all over your protective plating. You have no idea how those spikes got so red, though, because no part of a Monoblos is actually that color.
Should you wear it in a fight? At this point, we've covered spiked armor and its downfalls plenty. So our question is: Would there be any benefit to outfitting your armor with a chest-mounted, outward spike? "No," answers Johnson plainly. That's that. As we've now learned, spikes and mobility don't mix, even when you're slaying the smallest of monsters. "This would be pretty unusable, movement-wise [or otherwise]," says Johnson.
Huge Stoner (Havel's armor, Dark Souls)
The statement this armor makes: Rather than cover your body with lightweight, protective sheets of steel, you used rocks. You'd rather drape colossal stones all over yourself, because metal is too mainstream and you're cooler than that. You also saw fit to recreate a feathered plume atop your stone helmet, despite it being, well, stone.
Should you wear it in a fight? Again, this is way too heavy to wear. But if Havel's armorsmith felt like getting a little fancy, he might be able to give the appearance that the armor was actually bigger than it was. "That's why medieval armor has rolled edges a lot," says Johnson. "[Rolling the edges] makes it look thicker, it reinforces it--but [the armor's] not that thick all the way through." Oh, and if you haven't figured it out yet, stone armor just doesn't work.
Luxury Defined (Tolten, Lost Odyssey)
The statement this armor makes: You're a bit meek, but dammit if you aren't the richest and most lavishly dressed person in the room. You're a mortal prince, but you're cool enough to roll with a posse of timeless warriors. Your hair is the kind of gorgeous that money can't buy.
Should you wear it in a fight? Not unless you want to face the wrath of Craig Johnson. After one long look, Johnson's first response was "I want to fight that dude." Besides, gold would make for terribly fragile armor. "[Gold] is a very soft metal, depending on how pure it is," says Johnson. "If it's pure gold, you could practically crush it with your fingers." Sure, you could try making armor out of gold alloy--but no matter how you slice it, Johnson insists that "gold and diamonds are impractical for armor." Bad news for any rappers looking to time-travel to the medieval era in style.
Hit the Slopes (Lu Bu, Dynasty Warriors 6)
The statement this armor makes: You're a stone-cold stunner when it comes to combat, feared throughout the battlefields of the Three Kingdoms. And every warrior, no matter how strong they think they are, needs to know something: You should never, ever be pursued.
Should you wear it in a fight? "Using a weapon like that? There's no way," says Johnson. Even for a master duelist like Lu Bu, such curvy armor would only get in the way. "With the way the thigh guards come out at points like thatif he could spin that once or twice without catching on something, I would be amazed," says Johnson.
Dress to Impress (Hoplite, Etrian Odyssey 3)
The statement this armor makes: You're the tank of the operation. Just because you're soaking up all the hits during battle, doesn't mean you can't make a statement for cuteness with a dress underneath all that platemail. In Japan, you're called a Phalanx, even though that makes no sense for an individual soldier.
Should you wear it in a fight? Yes. Of all the ridiculous video game armor on this list, the Hoplite's may just be the most practical. "You could make some parallels to certain Japanese armors," says Johnson, "or tonlets from the medieval period, which were actual skirts of metal that would come down." The only difference is that traditional tonlets usually stop before the knee--but hey, close enough.
