"Hey, do you remember that Donald Duck game we used to play as kids?" My sister casually asks me, while watching Mickey Mouse Club House with my 10 month old niece. My eyes fog over. My heart races, and I'm seized by memories of a giant yellow bird hurling eggs at me.
Of course I remember Donald Duck: Quack Attack (or Donald Duck: Goin' Quackers if you're from outside Europe). How could I forget Donald Duck: Quack Attack? I don't think it's physically possible to forget the first game that ever truly scorned me and made me rage quit. Donald Duck: Quack Attack is worse than any FromSoftware title I have ever touched – it may look innocent from the outside but I assure you it's anything but.
"But Maddy, it's a Disney game, how bad could it be?"
Strap in and let me take you on a little journey through the horrors of this almost 26-year-old title.
Absolutely quackers
I'm replaying my favorite obscure PS2 game and now I miss when movie tie-ins were the norm
The premise of Donald Duck: Quack Attack is simple. Daisy Duck, who is now an investigative journalist, has been kidnapped by the evil magician Merlock because she went into his evil volcano lair on live TV and tried to tell the world his evil schemes.
Donald is racing against his arch-rival Gladstone Gander (an obscure character who I believe was only in Disney Comics, two episodes of Duck Tales and this game) to get Daisy back to safety. Luckily for Donald his friend Gyro Gearloose (another obscure Disney character) can get Donald to Daisy as he invented the brand new Gyro Gamma Tubal Teleport System – but it's too weak to reach Merlock's lair, so Donald must spend the game planting Gamma-Weather Vanes to boost its signal.
What ensues is essentially Crash Bandicoot via Disney. There are four worlds with four individual stages, plus one bonus one involving Huey, Dewey, and Louie which are only there if you really want 100% completion.
Much like Crash, it's a 3D platformer where you have to reach the end of the level, defeat enemies who are in your way and kill a big bad boss at the end to plant a Gamma-Weather Vane. It is a game for kids at the end of the day, so it has pretty simple controls and story, but oh boy is it anything but simple to actually play.
It may seem like I was hyping up the difficulty of this children's game by comparing it to the likes of Bloodborne and Dark Souls, and I really wish that was the case.
Here's the thing: I've completed those games. I have beaten bosses in the best FromSoftware games after hours of trial and error. I have come out of those titles with my head held high. But, and I'm ashamed to admit this, I have never bested Donald Duck: Quack Attack.
I know, I know, let's all point and laugh at me. Ha! Ha! I have never been able to beat a Disney game made for kids in my numerous attempts throughout the years.
Perhaps it's just me, maybe I just need to git gud. Or maybe it's the absolutely awful controls, camera and insanely large hit boxes for all enemies and harmful objects that are stopping me from completing this game.
The normal Crash-style sections are awful, as the camera constantly trails behind and struggles around corners. I can never actually tell how close I am to a hole or an enemy. I will die on the hill that Donald Duck: Quack Attack has the worst hit boxes in any video game I have ever played. Sometimes when I feel I am several steps away from an enemy I inexplicably get injured, causing Donald to fly off in a blind rage until he gets his hand on a milkshake.
Yes, that is how your health system works in this game. A little icon on the top right hand side of the screen shows a happiness meter for Donald, which is essentially your health bar. Get hit once and he becomes "Angry-Donald, hehe!!". This turns Donald into a cartoonish cloud of smoke who screams what I can only assume are the duck equivalent of expletives. This cloud of smoke makes you briefly invincible, which is nice – I'll give the game that. Get hit again though, and it's back to the start. That's right. Two hits and you're done for. Now I don't mean to sound like a baby, but it's that a little unfair for a kids game?
Then you have the side scrolling platforming sections, which are an absolute nightmare. The camera lags constantly, and Donald just seems to float around the place. I can never guess if the jump is actually going to land Donald on one of the platforms or send him into the abyss. The platforming is so difficult and precise that I fully expect to find a Dark Souls-esque message on the floor reading "Try jumping off" before I immediately fall to my untimely demise.
All of this cumulates into the absolutely gruelling boss fights. Forget Malenia, Blade of Miquella, she is absolutely nothing in comparison to Bernadette the Bird. This duck-chicken-thing was the bane of my life as a child. I hate her more than I hate the Godskin Noble, and that is saying something, because that roly-poly bastard still haunts my dreams.
Water off a duck's back
After 40 minutes the laughter turned into despair, then despair to rage.
I've sifted through YouTube comments where people claim this game is easy, where the nostalgia wave hits and they say how much they love this game. I can't help but think they actually haven't picked this game up since they were seven. Watching YouTube playthroughs is one thing, actually picking up the controller and replaying it is another.
I was so confused about people saying it was easy that I actually sat my FromSoftware fanboy of a fiancé down and told him to play this game to see if I was just a bad gamer (I am, but that's not the point). He laughed, but after 40 minutes the laughter turned into despair, then despair to rage. He managed to reach the second boss fight, the Beagle Boys, before he rage quit and told me he never wanted to touch the game ever again. I have seen this man beat pre-nerf Malenia solo with a nasty bout of Covid. I have seen him power through some of the worst boss fights in FromSoft history and come out grinning. Yet, he was defeated by Donald Duck: Quack Attack.
Classic Disney games are a weird mix of pleasant nostalgia and pain. My father to this day still happily quotes the "OOF! What the!?" from the Mulan PC game in the part where you have a snowball fight. I remember happily baking cakes in My Disney Kitchen. But then when I think about the platformers Disney produced during this time I get a cold sense of dread. Many people bring up The Lion King for the SNES when they think about gruellingly difficult Disney games, but if you want something that'll make you fly into a blind rage like Donald, then try and get your hands on Donald Duck: Quack Attack.
Check out the best PS2 games of all time if you're hunting for more retro classics (ouch, I feel old)
