What If Shakespeare Had Written For Buffy?

Joss Whedon is bringing culture to the masses, assembling a bunch of fan-friendly old acting mates (Alexis Denisof, Amy Acker, Nathan Fillion among many others) for a new version of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing (which you can learn more about – and enter a competition to win free tickets to – here ).

But Joss Whedon would have had to have done a few script edits to make sure that flowery language sounded a but more “Buffy-speak”.

Here’s how he may have rewritten some famous Shakespearean quotations so that Xander would have understood them… (* = actual Buffy quotes)

"If music be the food of love, play on."
“You rock. Encore!”

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”
“If it’s yours, take it. If it’s shiny, take it. And don’t lend people anything, you’ll never get it back.”

"This above all: to thine own self be true.”
“Keep it real. Really real.”

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
“Vampires, demons, other scaly things, listen up: I’m here to kill you, not give you hugs and puppies.”

"Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?"
“I’m starting to daydream about weaponry, should I be worried?”

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them."
“Into every generation a slayer is born, etc, etc…” *

"When shall we three meet again in thunder, lightning, or in rain? When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won…"
“So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?”
“Nothing strenuous.”
“Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.” *

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
“I don’t care what it’s called, it’s still going to try to kill me.”

"Fair is foul, and foul is fair"
“I mean, like, bad as in Michael Jackson bad, not Michael Bublé bad.”

"Oh that this too, too solid flesh would, melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew.”
“Right now, I think Obi-Wan had the right idea…”

“But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.”
“I think I speak for everyone here when I said: Huh?” *

“To be, or not to be: that is the question.”
“The hardest thing in life is to live it.” *

• Feel free to add your own below.

• Joss Whedon’s Much Ado About Nothing : Trailer

Dave is a TV and film journalist who specializes in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He's written books about film posters and post-apocalypses, alongside writing for SFX Magazine for many years.