Prepare for the most disturbing, sexually-charged game trailers ever seen. Champion Jockey is here

However old you are, you are too young to see this. PEGI might have rated these trailers '3', but PEGI are wrong. These are the most disturbing, fetid, lecherous, downright perverse sets of moving images I have ever seen grease up the world in the name of video game advertising. Tecmo Koei's Champion Jockey, you see, is a horse racing simulator. But it's not just any horse racing simulator. It's a motion-controlled horse racing simulator, which asks you to mime the process of racing horses by either pumping two PS Move controllers up and down, or by getting involved in some depraved full-body interaction by way of Kinect. And it is demoed by a man who appears to be enjoying himself entirely far too much.

So there you have it. A game anyone can play, advertised with all the grimy, latent sexualsimmering of a man in a dirty mac sneaking around a department store lingerie floor. With no trousers on. How? How has the world come to this? My friends, my soul it doth weep.

Still, some good has come out of this. Justin was very impressed by the shiny metallic horse in the logo at the end. He decided that he's a heroic robo-horse, and while I've been writing this story, he has written the theme song to the heroic robo-horse's imagined Saturday morning anime show. So I thought I'd post them. You know, because.

I suspect this afternoon is taking a turn for the strange.

I / I'm a shiny robot horse
With f*ckoff rocket shoes (*rocket shoes!*)
I know I'll never lose (*robot horse*)
If I only stretch my neck
and yearn into the night
for the taste of victory saltlick
Gallop (*yeah*)
Gallop (*neigh*)

ROBOT HORSE!

Yeah. Definitely a turn for the strange.

Thanks,VG247. I think.

August 09, 2011