The new Santa Claus
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, which means all you good little girls and boys will soon be receiving a visit from old Saint Nick. Of course, I know what some of you little monsters are thinking: "Santa is so lame. He's fat. He's old. He wears a stupid outfit. He's fat. He needs an upgrade." Santa would be a lot cooler if he was replaced with one of your favorite video game characters, am I right?
No, I am not right, and neither are you. Video game characters exist in worlds of violence and fantasy, and don't know the first thing about Christmas spirit. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at some notable examples of video game characters you would NOT want to find breaking into your house with a bag full of 'goodies' in the middle of the night.
Albert Wesker (Resident Evil 5)
I know some of you would love to find David Bowie-esque Albert Wesker waiting under your tree come Christmas morning, but hear me out. Underneath that leathery voice and those piercing, reptilian eyes is an ego that's grown three sizes too large. Chances are, if you see Big Al teleporting down your chimney it means someone is either going to die, get put under mind control, or is actually an Umbrella CEO in disguise - none of which are very Christmas-y.
Gift of choice: Uroboros. Albert Wesker doesn't need anyone else; he has uroboros. And he is all too willing to share it with anyone (and everyone) on the planet, thus ensuring complete global saturation. Hope you kids like zombies.
Kratos (God of War)
"ARRREES!!!" You know what that is? That's the sound of Kratos wishing you a merry Christmas. It's also how he says "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and "Good morning" and a whole bunch of other everyday idioms. Kratos may appear to be in the holiday spirit - what with that red-and-white ensemble he's always running around in - but don't let that fool you. His heart is a lump of coal, and every single man, woman, child, and especially ARRREES!!! is on his naughty list.
Gift of choice: Murder. Let's face it, Kratos only has one setting: murderdeathkill. It's how he gets through life. Try and think of a problem that Kratos has encountered in which stabbing didn't fix everything. Okay, there was that one box-sliding puzzle, but that's about it.
Samus (Metroid: Other M)
At first blush, Samus seems like a good pick for the part of Santa Claus. She has a spaceship that can zip her all across the planet. She can transform into that little morph ball and roll her way down the chimney. And she's a pretty nice and well-adjusted lady when she's not battling space pirates. Just slap a fake beard and a red coat of paint on her and you're good to go. There's just one tiny hiccup when it comes to the actual giving of the presents...
Gift of choice: Nothing. Don't get me wrong, Samus would love to give little Timmy a present. But here's the thing: her commanding officer, Matt, hasn't authorized the use of Samus' present cannon just yet. Apparently it poses too great a risk to the general public, or somesuch nonsense. Better luck next year.
Professor Oak (Pokemon)
The Pokemon prof. wouldn't be the worst Santa. He kinda looks the part, which is a good start, and he has lots of experience working with children. His knowledge of Pokemon is absolute, making him a great storyteller when roasting chestnuts on an open fire. At some point, however, he will try to send your son or daughter off on a Pokemon adventure. All he asks in return is for someone to tell him the name of his grandson.
Gift of choice: An empty house. The professor never leaves home without a few Pokedexes plus a Charmander or two, just in case he should run into a young person who hasn't dedicated his or her life to catching wild animals. Those Pokedexes aren't going to complete themselves after all.
Naked Snake (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater)
Naked Snake's whole job - nay, his entire life - is built upon sneaking into places he's not supposed to be. Whether it's the Russian wilderness, the jungles of Costa Rica, or straight into our hearts, this legendary soldier is custom-made for infiltration, so you'd better believe he can worm his way down a chimney. Just make sure the kids are tucked in tight - otherwise they could end up in a sleeper hold, or with a tranq dart to the neck.
Gift of choice: Dead animals. Wake up, little Billy, wake up! Look at what Santa left you: a reticulated python carcass. It's right next to that hunk of raw markhor and the kenyan mangrove crab. They smell of dead animal (go figure), but I hear they taste pretty good.
Dante (Devil May Cry)
Dante is one of the most destructive and obnoxious guests you could have the displeasure of hosting during the holidays. He starts by kicking in the door (because chimneys are for nerds) and spies the milk and cookies left on the table. Instead of eating them like a normal person, Dante first shoots out the legs of the table and kicks the whole thing towards the ceiling. Then he stabs each cookie out of the air with the tip of his sword, before catching the glass of milk at the last second without looking. He then leaves a demon corpse under the tree with a bow on it.
Gift of choice: Property damage. Here's the thing: Dante knows his whole life is one big video game. Why do you think he's able to get away with all the crazy stuff he does? He's like Neo at the end of The Matrix: he knows the rules - sees the code - and knows how to break them.
Kuma is a bear. You do not want to have a bear in your home attempting to hand out presents. Bears are wild animals, and pose an obvious safety hazard to both children and adults - not to mention the potential property damage. Have you seen those videos online of bears breaking into campground dumpsters? They're crazy. If a bear smells food inside your pantry (or small child) they will pop the top and refuse to stop. Plus, bears don't look anything like Santa Claus.
Gift of choice: A mess. How big of a mess, you ask? Imagine if your household cat was actually a ferocious mountain lion. Now imagine if that mountain lion was a bear. Think of all the damage those long claws and sharp teeth could cause. Not to mention all the fur it would shed.
The King (Sneak King)
December 25, 2006
I can feel The King's presence - he smells my hunger. My family doesn't believe he's real, but I know it to be true. I've seen him dancing across my periphery; seen his dead, soulless eyes peering out from the shadows atop a twisted grin. He won't stop until all manner of fast food horror has been visited upon this house; my family drowned in a sea of dry hamburger patties and soggy fries. I can't stop it. The hunger inside me is growing worse. The King will be here soon.
Gift of choice: Delicious Burger King food products. The King bestows upon his subjects only the finest beef patties from your local Burger King eatery. If something should go wrong with Christmas dinner, never fear. The King will be there - burgers in tow - regardless of how many doors you lock.
Stick to the original
Now do you understand, children? At the end of the day, the original Santa Claus is still the best Santa Claus. He's round, he's jolly, and he won't try and steal your stuff or abduct your kids. Let him do his job, and let the video game characters do their jobs.