Skip to main content

50 Movie Character Resolutions

John McClane

The Character: NYPD cop with a habit of finding trouble outside his jurisdiction.

The Resolution: Not to let the same shit happen to him as usually happens over Christmas.

Chances Of Sticking To It: We'll let you know this time next year.

Ming The Merciless

The Character: Despotic ruler of Mongo, currently engaged in bombarding Earth with hot hail. Why? Because he's bored.

The Resolution: Intergalactic domination.

Chances Of Sticking To It: He's got too much sex on the brain. While he's busy getting his end away, an American Football player called Flash has started a revolution.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

The Character: Vietnam War drill instructor. Winner of 'Best Insult Award' five years in a row.

The Resolution: To wipe the shit-eating grins off these maggots, break them down and build them into men.

Chances Of Sticking To It: An impressive 99% success rate. Unfortunately, the 1% has gone loco with a gun in the gent's toilet.

Axel Foley

The Character: Unorthodox Detroit detective going off-message in California to investigate a friend's death.

The Resolution: To solve the murder, and to enjoy the sunshine as much as possible.

Chances Of Sticking To It: Strong - Axel's such a character the combined weight of the BHPD cannot curb his rule-breaking instincts.

Bella Swan

The Character: Teenager whose new home in Washington turns out to be a hotbed of supernatural creatures, including hot vampire Edward Cullen.

The Resolution: To persuade do-gooder Edward to pop her cherry.

Chances Of Sticking To It: She'll wear down a man eventually. Unfortunately, then she'll end up with a monster-baby.

The Joker

The Character: Scarred on the outside and the inside, this clownish anarchist is more funny peculiar than funny ha-ha.

The Resolution: To upset the social order by waging a war of terror against Gotham City.

Chances Of Sticking To It: With neither conscience nor empathy, he's committed to the cause. There's just the small matter of that guy dressed as a bat who is trying to stop him.

Indiana Jones

The Character: During term-time, he's an archaeology professor… but he doesn't just talk the talk, because he's a whip-cracking, hat-grabbing treasure hunter during the school holidays.

The Resolution: To overcome his fear of snakes.

Chances Of Sticking To It: If only they'd stop slithering about so much.

The Driver

The Character: L.A.-based odd job man. Will race, do stunts, assist with getaways.

The Resolution: To drive away after five minutes if it all goes tits-up.

Chances Of Sticking To It: If a woman gets involved, he's more likely to be the one causing things to go tits-up.

Buzz Lightyear

The Character: Intergalactic space ranger, shot down in the Gamma Quadrant of Sector 4 and now crash-landed in a strange place called "Andy's room."

The Resolution: To defeat the Emperor Zurg.

Chances Of Sticking To It: Hate to break it to you, Buzz, but you're a child's plaything.

Ellen Ripley

The Character: One-time crewmember of the Nostromo cargo ship, forced by circumstance to become a one woman army against the xenomorphs.

The Resolution: To make it back home to her family.

Chances Of Sticking To It: Nil. Thanks to cryogenic oversleeping, alien impregnation, death and cloned rebirth, she's going to be stuck fighting facehuggers and chestbursters for a while longer.