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Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III
Self-description
The Moment: In special episode Anglian Lives , Alan is interviewed about his career to date and reads from his eventually-pulped book Bouncing Back . In one reading, Alan describes himself as a simple dynamic man “who holds a full driving licence”.
Most Quotable Line: “Did I once talk a depressed man down from a wall? Yes – but it wasn’t that high and he wasn’t that depressed. He had locked himself out of his business premises and was trying to get in.”
Lapdancing Alan
The Moment: Alan's frequent descents into homoerotic daydreams in which he performs erotic dances for BBC Chief Tony Hayers while wearing a thong ("It's vulcanised rubber which means it won't perish").
Most Quotable Line: "Would you like me to lapdance for you?
Alan vs. Inception
The Moment: In a quiet moment from his Mid Morning Matters series, Alan attempts to order “one” “adult” ticket for an “afternoon” showing of Inception. Only that last word seems to give some trouble for the voice recognition software over the phone.
Most Quotable Line: “Inception… No… Inception… No… Inception… No… Inception… No…”
Crash Bang Wallop
The Moment: A glimpse at the Alan-hosted Crash Bang Wallop, What A Video! - a tacky collection of car crashes. Better yet, it was made during a low point when Alan was in the fiendish grip of a Toblerone addiction and by a company that normally produces low-rent soft porn film. Hence the scantily-clad policewoman behind him.
Most Quotable Line: “You can stop giggling, or I’ll take down YOUR particulars…”
Alans student days
The Moment: Alan’s own romanticised description of his care-free university days (“1974 was a crazy, hazy time for Alan Partridge. The 60s had come to East Anglia”) in which he reveals a brief love affair, enjoying “erotic and informative afternoons with a student whose essays I was writing”.
Most Quotable Line: “This strutting, young, cock-certain Alan would often dish out compliments as he perused and felt her body: ‘You’re a really busty woman, Jem,’ I said once. ‘One of the bustiest on campus.’”
Roger Moore's no show
The Moment: For the very first episode of Knowing Me Knowing You , Alan - a huge Bond fan - had secured Roger Moore as his special guest. Our host is so excited that he gives us constant updates as to Moore's whereabouts throughout the episode. Alas, he is delayed to the studio, forcing Alan to attempt an interference-rife telephone interview with Moore from the back of his limo.
Most Quotable Line: “A hypothetical fist fight takes place between Simon Templar, “The Saint”, and Roger Moore, James Bond 007. Who wins? ...Any thoughts on that, Roger? ...Roger? Roger? ROGER? ROGEEEERRRR?”
Pepsi vs Coke
The Moment: In many to-camera pieces while driving around Norwich in Welcome To The Places Of My Life , Alan discusses many non-topical topics. In one particular quiet, reflective moment during which Alan is disillusioned at potentially receiving some bad health news, he contemplates the old adverts for Pepsi and Coke.
Most Quotable Line: “I was thinking about those TV commercials that were on about, I dunno, 40 years ago. It was one of those ones for Pepsi and Coke… y’know, can you tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. This morning I thought… who gives a shit? What a colossal waste of everyone’s time.”
Alan takes On Paris
The Moment: With an episode of Knowing Me Knowing You filmed in France with a French co-presenter, Alan took it upon himself to take on the Paris fashion scene, resulting in a video montage of questionable attire and dodgy poses. The highlight comes at the sight of Alan nervously walking down the Champs Elysees wearing knee high ice-white socks.
Most Quotable Line: “Who’s this cool customer? Ice-white shoes, ice-white socks with navy-blue double cadet stripe, a pair of shorts, t-shirt with chevron action-flash… L’Homme Du Sport! Man of sport.”
Owl sanctuary
The Moment: Having drummed up the courage to ask out receptionist Jill on a date – though not the courage to tell her she’s been fired – Alan takes her to an owl sanctuary where cringe-worthy flirting mixes awkwardly with legitimate bird-related facts.
Most Quotable Line: “If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you’re going to execute a bird of prey, the most human way would be death by firing squad.”
