Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992)
The Vamp: Amilyn (Paul Reubens), the undead manslave to head vamp Lothos (Rutger Hauer).
The Lame: This guy just doesn’t know when to croak. Even when Buffy’s staked him, he hangs around like a crap punchline that can’t find a decent place to die. Lothos is not much better – a cape-wearing preener whose bark is worse than his bite.
How To Make Him Cool: Have David Boreanaz play him.
Queen Of The Damned (2002)
The Vamp: Lestat (Stuart Townsend), who wakes up after years in the coffin when he hears some rock music, and decides he fancies becoming a musical superstar.
The Lame: Never thought we’d say this, but – we miss Tom Cruise. At least his version of Lestat was more than just a deathly serious pretty boy.
Transylmania (2009)
The Vamp: The undead inhabitants of The Razvan University, where a group of idiotic American kids spend a semester studying – and probably dying.
The Lame: These guys are the very definition of lame. Old school vamps who live in boxes and do things like snarl and flap their arms about, they’re about as scary as a granny slurping a cup of Earl Grey. And equally as sexy.
How To Make Him Cool: Dust 'em, dust 'em all.
Vampire In Brooklyn (1995)
The Vamp: Maximillian (Eddie Murphy), who arrives in New York looking for the half-breed daughter of a vampire from his Caribbean home.
The Lame: Eddie Murphy? As a vampire? Sure he’s got a goatee and some cool yellow eyes, but we just can’t get past the idea of Murphy trying to be charismatic in a vampy kind of way. He looks more like a pimp, if we’re honest.
How To Make Him Cool: Only way around that one - cast somebody else.
Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)
The Vamp: Saya (Gianna Jun), a half-breed samurai fighter who’s part human, part vampire. Oh, and she’s 400 years old.
The Lame: Unlike the cool manga movie it’s based on, The Last Vampire isn’t really bothered with letting us get to know Saya. Instead, she’s a hollow heroine set up as something of a martyr who – beyond those wicked fighting skills – isn’t really all that interesting.
How To Make Her Cool: Rewatch the manga, then copy what they did there. Why mess with a classic?
Priest (2011)
The Vamp: Nameless CGI nightmares who live in underground tunnels (we think, we weren’t really paying attention) and eat people.
The Lame: They’re CGI, they look CGI, they sound CGI. Now re-read that sentence and every time we said ‘CGI’, think ‘shit’, because that’s exactly what these horrendous creations are.
How To Make Them Cool: Go back to some old school prosthetics and give those nasties a little character.
Dracula: Dead And Loving It (1995)
The Vamp: Count Dracula again, this time played by Leslie Nielsen.
The Lame: We love Leslie Nielsen, don’t get us wrong. Still, his campy Dracula is a goofy annoyance, sort of like that fly in the living room that won’t go near the open window no matter how hard you try.
How To Make Him Cool: Give him some evil contact lenses and a scar on his cheek. Badass.
Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
The Vamp: Carmilla the Vampire Queen (Silvia Colloca).
The Lame: Exploitation can be fun, but this is just dire. Carmilla’s boring for a start, doing nothing more than floating around in a white dress with her, uh, fangs hanging out.
How To Make Her Cool: Maybe she could be a Nazi punk lesbian vampire who evades taxes and never puts the toilet seat down? Nah, still boring.
Blacula (1972)
The Vamp: Prince Mamuwalde (William H Marshall) is turned into a neck-chewer by Dracula himself before being trapped in a coffin for 200 years.
The Lame: The name may elicit an initial titter, but there’s no denying this ropy exploitation flick errs just a little too much on the silly side. And don’t even get us started on those eyebrows.
How To Make Him Cool: A shave and a haircut would get him halfway there.
Twilight (2008)
The Vamp: Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), belonging to a family of vegan vampires who don’t kill humans. He falls in love with morose teen Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart).
The Lame: A vampire who doesn’t eat people is like a unicorn with its horn cut off – dull. Which Edward sadly is, moping about and feeling sorry for himself. Plus the ‘sparkly when in sunlight’ thing is just daft.
How To Make Him Cool: Pair the brood with a love for wanton violence. And a motorbike. Just ‘cos.
Blade: Trinity (2004)
The Vamp: Drake (Dominic Purcell), the original Dracula who’s resurrected in modern times by Danica Talos (Parker Posey). She wants him to help wipe out humanity and rescue the vampire race from extinction.
The Lame: It’s a typically American update of the sultry, seductive Dracula of yore, this time reimagining the count as a muscly beefcake who barely has a vocabulary beyond 10 words. Until the film's climax, when he suddenly becomes a philosopher.
How To Make Him Cool: Return him to his roots as a sly, cunning seducer, and ditch the silly sword.
Van Helsing (2004)
The Vamp: Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), who kills Dr Frankenstein (Samuel West) once he’s perfected his technique for raising the dead, intending to use the device for himself.
The Lame: There’s going classic, and there’s just being ridiculous. This Count Dracula straddles two worlds – the world of classic Hammer Horror, and the world of overblown modern CGI-fests. The result? Total mess. Also, since when did Drac scheme in such epic ways? Rubbish.
How To Make Him Cool: Either go completely goth or don't bother at all. What's the point in lingering halfway?
BloodRayne (2005)
The Vamp: King Kagan (Ben Kingsley), father to Rayne (Kristanna Loken), an unholy crossbreed.
The Lame: When even Sir Ben Kingsley can’t save a movie, you know you’re in dire straits. Camping it up something chronic, his vamp is hampered with hammy dialogue and an even hammier wardrobe (check out that wig). Buffy would make short work of him.
How To Make Him Cool: Make anybody director but Uwe Boll.
Interview With The Vampire (1994)
The Vamp: Santiago (Stephen Rea), a European vampire and enemy to Louis de Pointe du Lac (Brad Pitt).
The Lame: Santiago just doesn’t know how to be a vampire. Instead of attempting to intimidate and suck blood from the veins of innocents, he floats around with silly hair – like that bit in the film where he prances up the side of a bridge. L-A-M-E.
How To Make Him Cool: Cut out the floating for a start…
Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood (1996)
The Vamp: Caleb Verdoux (Corey Feldman), who’s kidnapped and turned into a creature of the night.
The Lame: Feldman was clearly taking notes on Keifer Sutherland when they worked together in The Lost Boys , his Caleb being damn near a carbon copy of Sutherland’s rock vamp.
Sadly, Feldman just isn’t as cool as Sutherland, and his interpretation feels like a tired copycat act. Also, what kind of loser dies from a squirt gun attack?!
How To Make Him Cool: Rock 'n' roll is so '80s, this guy should be a chic geek computer nerd instead. Now that's cool.
Once Bitten (1985)
The Vamp: The Countess (Lauren Hutton), who seduces a young Jim Carrey.
The Lame: She’s basically Jerry Hall and Joan Rivers combined, a vampy older woman who lives for her looks and seduces innocent young men to their doom. There’s enough of that going on in Desperate Housewives without it taking up our horror movies.
How To Make Her Cool: Ditch the shades and the drag queen outfits.
The Little Vampire (2000)
The Vamp: Rudolph (Rollo Weeks), who meets young loner Tony Thompson (Jonathan Lipnicki) when the latter moves from California to Scotland with his family.
The Lame: Talk about watering it down for the ankle-biters. Rudolph is a bloodless little night owl who just wants to be normal – doesn’t exactly send a very good message to kids who are labelled ‘freaks’ by their contemporaries. Though with ears like that…
How To Make Him Cool: Give him a tattoo, an ear piercing and an appetite for blood, then we’ll talk.
I Kissed A Vampire (2010)
The Vamp: Dylan (Lucas Grabeel), who’s just been bitten by a vampire and starts lusting after his girlfriend’s neck.
The Lame: It seemed like a solid gold idea – take that guy-who's-not-Zac-Efron from High School Musical and put him in another sing-along movie about vampires! Oh alright, it’s a piece of shit idea that entirely lives up to its hideous promise.
How To Make Him Cool: There’s no saving this one, it’s the stake for Dylan.
Def By Temptation (1990)
The Vamp: Temptress (Cynthia Bond), who does what her name implies, seducing young men and then killing them when she’s had her wicked way.
The Lame: Horrible big hair left over from the ‘80s, seriously scary acting, massive nails – it’s all just an excuse to get Bond in the buff, really. She has a cool evil laugh, though.
How To Make Her Cool: Have Samuel L Jackson play the vampire instead. Easy.
