ED-209
Xerxes
The Villain: The ten-foot Persian God-King. He’s kind of a big deal…
Up Against: Gruff homophobe Leonidas, and 299 of his closest pals.
Unfair Fight: Not only is Xerxes a man-mountain with thousands and thousands of warriors at his disposal, he also appears to be some sort of genetics genius from the look of some of the man-beast hybrids within his camp. Leonidas on the other hand, has quite a loud voice.
How He Should Have Won: Instead of sending his henchmen in dribs and drabs, why not send all of them at once? Ah arrogance, the great leveller…
Bill
The Villain: Paymaster of the Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad, and martial arts expert.
Up Against: A former employee who has been beaten, bloodied and buried alive in the preceding few days.
Unfair Fight: Bill taught The Bride everything she knew and is by all accounts, a thoroughly ruthless killer. Factor in that his opponent is hardly at her freshest (she was in a shallow grave not long before), and there aren’t many excuses for getting his backside handed to him. Although he is getting on a bit.
How He Should Have Won: Getting up off his bony old arse would have been a start. Not many villains stay seated during a fight to the death.
Jafar
The Villain: Power-hungry Grand Vizier to the Sultan of Agrabah, owner of some truly excellent facial hair, and a mildly annoying parrot.
Up Against: A homeless boy and his pet monkey.
Unfair Fight: Having laid his hands on the magic lamp, Jafar has just turned himself into the most powerful sorcerer in the world. He can literally do anything, and yet he still conspires to balls it all up.
How He Should Have Won: He shouldn’t have turned himself into a genie. When Aladdin was winding him up, he should have vaporized him, not taken the bait like a sucker. That’s hindsight for you though.
The Predator
The Villain: A dreadlocked, extra-terrestrial killing machine.
Up Against: A musclebound human killing machine.
Unfair Fight: As tough as Arnie is, the Predator has just wiped out an entire unit of US Army badasses. Brute strength just won’t cut it this time. Only a piece of ingenious cunning could stop the Predator in its tracks…
How He Should Have Won: By not allowing himself to be outwitted by a man who struggles to pronounce his own name. Duped by the old “look over there” trick? Embarrassing.
Vincent
The Villain: A ruthless hitman, utterly devoid of any compassion for his victims.
Up Against: A bespectacled cab-driver prone to panic attacks.
Unfair Fight: A trained killer, a man who uses a gun every day of his life, in a face-to-face shootout with a passive, non-violent cabbie whose eyesight isn’t the best. Only one winner there right? Right?
How He Should Have Won: Try shooting straight you cack-handed charlatan! How did he ever find work as a marksman?
The Graboids
The Villains: A set of slimy, subterranean, man-eating worms, with smaller versions of themselves as tongues. Yes, you read that correctly.
Up Against: A pair of yee-haw handymen and their various small-town chums.
Unfair Fight: The graboids can soak up round after round of ammunition, are strong enough to pull a station wagon under the ground and have the time and patience to wait until their prey run out of resources. The humans have a knackered old digger and the odd gun.
How They Should Have Won: They’re strong enough to rip out the foundations of the general store, so why don’t they press on and bring the whole thing crashing down? And how come they’re lightning quick one minute, and ponderously slow when there’s a pogo-jumping youngster on the menu? They’re just not trying hard enough.
Thulsa Doom
The Villain: A vastly powerful sorcerer with an army of loyal/terrified followers at his beck and call.
Up Against: Yep, it’s Arnie again, this time starring as sword-wielding meathead Conan.
Unfair Fight: Conan is a dab hand with a sword, but Thulsa can supposedly perform the most terrifying brand of black magic the Hyborian Age has ever witnessed. Lets hope he doesn’t just stand there when Conan shows up…
How He Should Have Won: …Gah, he just stands there! Why doesn’t he turn into a giant snake again? Disappointing.
Ursula
The Villain: A dastardly sea-witch bearing more than a passing resemblance to I’m A Celebrity ’s Kim Woodburn…
Up Against: Puny land-lubber and fish-fetishist, Eric.
Unfair Fight: Having duped the great King Triton, Ursula has transformed into a banshee of titanic proportions, boasting full control of the ocean and capable of whipping up whirlpools and tidal waves left right and centre. Eric on the other hand, can sail a boat.
How She Should Have Won: She should have taken one look at the ship and capsized it. Instead, she’s too busy perfecting her operatic cackle to realise there’s a bit of wood sticking through her.
Hans Landa
The Villain: An SS colonel known as The Jew Hunter, so-named for his preternatural ability to locate Semite stowaways in occupied France.
Up Against: Speech-mangling loon Lieutenant Aldo Raine, a specialist in killing Nazis.
Unfair Fight: In a fistfight you’d back Raine all the way, but once the Yank is in Landa’s custody, it can only end one way. Surely?
How He Should Have Won: Throughout the film, Landa is portrayed as ruthlessly cunning, and always one step ahead of his enemies. And yet somehow he is caught out when Raine reneges on the deal the pair have struck! Don’t trust anyone Hans. You more than anybody should know that.
