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Mr. Freeze
The Villain: Mad scientist turned super-villain Victor Fries. “Ice to meet you” etc. etc.
Up Against: The least threatening incarnation of Bruce Wayne ever seen on the big screen. And yes, that includes Adam West.
Unfair Fight: He might have been knocking on a bit, but Freeze is still played by Arnie. On top of that, he’s got the capability to freeze his opponents in their tracks! Meanwhile, Clooney doesn’t look as though he could punch his way out of a paper bag…
How He Should Have Won: If he’d stopped punning, even for a second, he might have realised he was facing off against a man wearing nipple-enhancing bondage gear. Surely then he would have put his back into it?
Frank D'Amico
The Villain: A ruthless mob kingpin, head of New York’s dominant D’Amico crime family.
Up Against: Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass, otherwise known as a twelve-year-old girl and a high-school nerd.
Unfair Fight: D’Amico has a legion of trained killers on the payroll. Sure, Hit-Girl is no ordinary twelve-year-old, but surely one of his goons can aim a gun straight?
How He Should Have Won: He should have hired some more menacing henchmen than the motley crew of loveable cockneys he appears to have assembled.
Cyrus Grissom
The Villain: Cyrus The Virus, a career criminal who claims to have “killed more people than cancer”.
Up Against: Cameron “Hillbilly” Poe, a former US Ranger, convicted of just the one killing.
Unfair Fight: Poe has been a virtual boy-scout for most of his life, whilst Cyrus is an absolute loon, with a posse of lackeys at his disposal. He’s spent aeons meticulously planning his escape. Is a doughy-looking redneck going to stop him? Well, yes actually.
How He Should Have Won: He should have killed everyone on that plane who wasn’t one of his trusted lieutenants. Why take any risks?
Sauron
The Villain: An all-seeing manifestation of purest evil.
Up Against: A lowly hobbit, and a rag-tag band of rebels.
Unfair Fight: He locates Frodo on countless occasions when the hobbit dons the ring, so he’s well aware of the plot at hand. And whilst Frodo has a notable supporting presence behind him, Sauron has a home-made army of hideous killing machines at his disposal. And yet the little tinker still manages to stroll into Mount Doom without getting his head caved in…
How He Should Have Won: Only a mug would fall for the old decoy routine as practiced by Aragorn. Surely some of his resources should be stationed within Mount Doom itself?
The Wet Bandits
The Villains: Harry and Marv, house-breakers extraordinaire!
Up Against: Little Kevin McCallister, an eight-year old boy left at home, er, alone.
Unfair Fight: Harry and Marv are professional crims. We can assume they’ve done time in some of the less salubrious prisons in America. One of them is Joe Pesci. A small child and a bewildered pensioner should be a minor annoyance.
How They Should Have Won: Rather than blundering from one booby trap to the next, they should have just torched the place and robbed somewhere else. Easy.
King Koopa
The Villain: Evil dictator of a parallel universe and descendent of the T-Rex. Yes, T-Rex the dinosaur. It’s that sort of film.
Up Against: A pair of hapless, moustachioed plumbers from Earth as we know it.
Unfair Fight: Not only is he a ruthless dictator, but when Koopa goes up against the Mario brothers, he’s devolved into a massive dinosaur! In the other corner you have a bloke who could change a washer for you, but isn’t too handy with his fists. Hmmm.
How He Should Have Won: He should have set up an infuriatingly difficult obstacle course for Mario to navigate, including floating platforms, protruding pipes and fire-breathing plants. Obviously.
Pinhead
The Villain: Leader of a demonic race known as the Cenobites, who promises to “tear your soul apart”. Sounds painful.
Up Against: A precocious teenage girl with no supernatural powers whatsoever.
Unfair Fight: Pinhead can tear a man apart without lifting a finger, thanks to his infernal powers and sadistic tendencies. Little Kirsty has a keen, puzzle-solving mind. Who will come out on top?
How He Should Have Won: By getting hold of the pesky little puzzle box and tearing that apart instead. Or at least hiding it somewhere!
Venom
The Villain: Eddie Brock, an average Joe under the influence of a mysterious alien parasite that gives him Spiderman’s powers and more…
Up Against: Spiderman, newly recovered after a nasty bout of Emo sulking.
Unfair Fight: As we mentioned, the alien symbiote has bestowed Brock with all of Spidey’s abilities, as well as cranking his aggression up to the max. He’s basically a souped-up version of the man he’s trying to defeat…
How He Should Have Won: He should have gone it alone. Getting the Sandman and Harry Osborne involved was a mistake. But then, perhaps that was Sony’s fault rather than his…
Rufus Buckley
The Villain: A Time To Kill ’s oily district attorney, and the man charged with landing Sam Jackson with the death penalty.
Up Against: Jake Brigance, a penniless, heavy-drinking pretty-boy with a dearth of legal experience and a borderline-unwinnable case.
Unfair Fight: Let’s see…Buckley can call upon a close relationship with the judge, a jury full of middle-aged white people and a cast-iron case for the prosecution. Brigance can call upon good ‘ol sentimental values. Open and shut your honour! No?
How He Should Have Won: Don’t get us wrong, we love the way this one turns out, but surely Buckley should have done a little more with the fact that the defendant was proved sane when he went on his killing spree? Ah well…
Bruce The Shark
The Villain: A terrifying great white with a taste for hapless bathers.
Up Against: An old sea-dog, a small-town cop and a nerdy zoologist.
Unfair Fight: Having dealt with Quint, the only real badass of the group, surely Bruce’s spectacular killing spree won’t be brought to a halt by this pair of chumps? Eat the boat Bruce! EAT IT!
How He Should Have Won: He should have backed off for a while after munching Quint. And laying off the pressurized air tanks, delicious as they are, might have helped too.
