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Harlen Maguire
The Movie: Road To Perdition (2002)
The Assassin: A pock-marked dead-eyed crime scene photographer with a lucrative sideline in shooting people.
The Odd: Serial-smoothie Jude Law as a cold-hearted killer? Never! Carries a camera around with him at all times, often incorporating it into his kills. It also comes in handy for photographing the corpses. He likes to keep a memento you see…the creep.
How Deadly: He needs several attempts to take out fellow hitman Michael Sullivan, but he gets there in the end. Slow and steady and all that…
Nikita
The Movie: La Femme Nikita (1990)
The Assassin: A teenage drug-addict selected by Government intelligence agency DGSE as a hired gun. Strange recruitment policy they’re running over there…
The Odd: She’s a dainty little girl for one, and a thoroughly damaged drug user for two. Neither of these would immediately stand out as good qualifications for a life as a professional killer.
How Deadly: Very. Not even the promise of sex can put her off her job, as witnessed by the scene in which she knocks off a woman with a sniper rifle before heading next door to her waiting lover.
Ghost Dog
The Movie: Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai ( 1999)
The Assassin: Ghost Dog, a hulking employee of the New Jersey mafia.
The Odd: In contrast to the usual amoral greaseballs employed by the Mob, Ghost Dog is a man of honour who lives by the strict law of Hagakure, an ancient Japanese warrior code. Oh, and he uses a samurai sword, which is pretty unusual in itself.
How Deadly: Extremely, particularly after his beloved pigeons (another thing to add to the “odd” column) are cruelly slaughtered. Never come between a samurai and his pigeons unless you have a serious death wish…
Martin Blank
The Movie: Grosse Point Blank (1997)
The Assassin: A depressive hitman with a growing sense of disillusionment over his neck-snapping career.
The Odd: Whilst most hitmen are either cold-blooded sadists or cheerfully amoral jobsworths, not many could be said to possess a romantic streak. Martin Blank however has one a mile wide, and it soon flares up when he’s reunited with an old flame at his high-school reunion. Awwww.
How Deadly: Put it this way…he could kill you with a biro. He’s done it before you know…
Julian Noble
The Movie: The Matador (2005)
The Assassin: A flabby-looking hired gun floundering his way through a midlife crisis.
The Odd: He’s a hopeless boozer, partial to donning cowboy boots and chasing hookers in a grog-fuelled stupor. You’d expect most assassins to be able to keep a steady hand, which makes a trembly alcoholic hitman something of a surprise…
How Deadly: We’ll have to eat our words here, as old Julian is still a master of the craft, as his “tutorial” with businessman Danny clearly demonstrates. There’s life in the old dog yet…
Wesley Gibson
The Movie: Wanted (2008)
The Assassin: Wesley Gibson, bullet-bending assassin extraordinaire and heir to one of the finest killers who ever lived.
The Odd: Well, he’s a bit of a geek to be honest. Before being informed of his heritage, Wesley is a mild-mannered keyboard-jockey, prone to panic attacks and generally acting like a bit of a wuss. It’s a surprising transformation to say the least!
How Deadly: He becomes pretty handy with a gun, particularly from a distance. Isn’t that right, Sloan?
Gogo Yubari
The Movie: Kill Bill vol. 1 (2003)
The Assassin: Oren-Ishii’s deadliest and most trusted assassin, whose weapon of choice is a studded meteor hammer. It leaves a mark…
The Odd: She’s only seventeen, but she’s a fully paid-up sadist. It’s not just that she kills people, it's how much she seems to enjoy it that really gives us the creeps. Not only is she a paid assassin, but she also kills people on her own time as well!
How Deadly: Let's just say that you don’t want to get caught giving her the eye…she hates that.
Mufasa
The Movie: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1998)
T he Assassin: A low-level assassin on the books of Doctor Evil. Better at killing people than he is at withholding information…
The Odd: The aforementioned loose lips which render him totally incapable of ignoring a question if asked it three times. Problematic when your employer is a dastardly criminal with all manner of dirty laundry to be concealed.
How Deadly: Not massively. Even when he has Powers cornered, his constant waffle distracts him from getting the job done.
Hit-Girl
The Movie: Kick-Ass (2010)
The Assassin: Mindy Macready, otherwise known as Hit-Girl, a masked vigilante raised by her father to kill wrongdoers wherever she finds them.
The Odd: She’s an eleven-year-old girl with more interest in butterfly knives than Barbies. If you can’t see why that’s odd, you’re as messed-up as she is.
How Deadly: Utterly. She cleans out an entire corridor full of armed henchman without breaking sweat! She’ll cut your legs off and call you a c*nt before she does so…that’s what we call deadly.
Victoria
The Movie: Red ( 2010)
The Assassin: Victoria is a former member of a crack squad of black-ops operatives. They’re the people America calls on when it really, really wants someone gone!
The Odd: Why, she looks like kindly old Helen Mirren, one of our finest national treasures. She wouldn’t hurt a fly…would she?
How Deadly: She bloody would. When Victoria gets her hands on some heavy weaponry, you’d better hit the floor, sharpish!
Oddjob
The Movie: Goldfinger (1964)
The Assassin: Auric Goldfinger’s diminutive problem-solver, known for his rather fetching line in headgear.
The Odd: He kills people using his hat. Which is all well and good of course, but if you’ve got plans for world domination, surely you’d rather they rested in the hands of a less eccentric killer? Horses for courses we suppose…
How Deadly: Fairly, although given that his main job is to wipe out James Bond, a task he unquestionably fails, we can only recommend him up to a point. Nice hat though.
The Harpists
The Movie: Kung-Fu Hustle (2004)
The Assassins: A ruthless duo known as the Harpists, hired by the Axe Gang to make people dead.
The Odd: Instead of using tried and tested weapons such as guns or knives, the Harpists prefer the more theatrical method of killing people with a Chinese harp known as a Guquin. Their music literally tears their victims apart. Think of them as a Chinese Westlife.
How Deadly: Did you not read the above? They can kill people by playing a tune! We’d consider that pretty deadly.
Mathilda
The Movie: Leon (1994)
The Assassin: The twelve-year-old protégé of milk-quaffing hitman Leon Montana. Yes, yes, we know she doesn’t actually kill anybody, but the point is she has all the requisite skills at her disposal should she so choose to do so. In our opinion, Dany Aiello’s character makes an error in not hiring her.
The Odd: She’s a tiny little girl, and looks as though she’d struggle to lift a firearm let alone use one. Still, revenge is a powerful motivator…
How Deadly: We’ll never know, since she ends up back in school instead of pursuing her new career. She proves herself a pretty good shot in training, mind.
The Hyenas
The Movie: The Lion King (1994)
The Assassins: Shenzi, Banzai & Ed, Scar’s cackling henchmen charged with setting in motion the wildebeest stampede that will do for poor old Mufasa.
The Odd: They’re hyenas, which make them the only animal assassins on this list. There’s nothing more unsettling than a mercenary animal, willing to kill for the right reward…
How Deadly: Extremely, as Scar finds out to his cost when he tries to screw them over…
Ken
The Movie: In Bruges (2008)
The Assassin: A twinkly-eyed hitman from the Emerald Isle, gone into hiding after a job went bad…
The Odd: A more gentle, good-hearted killer you couldn’t wish to meet. With his interest in local culture and good-natured sense of humour, Ken always strikes us as more of a kindly uncle than a cold-blooded murderer. Which just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.
How Deadly: Perhaps more so in his younger years. In his unwillingness to kill partner Ray, it would appear that Ken has gone soft in his old age…
Zam Wesell
The Movie: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones (2002)
The Assassin: A contract killer of Clawdite descent, Wesell is trained as a Mabari warrior and charged with knocking off Padme. Booooooo!
The Odd: She might look like a demure, human woman on the surface but when she shows her true colours she’s a right scaly so-and-so. Her methods are somewhat bizarre, too. She’d prefer to release a swarm of venomous insects into a victim’s bedroom rather than just shoot them. Weirdo…
How Deadly: She doesn’t manage to do for Padme, but it’s not for the want of trying. Still, we’d probably advise hiring someone a little more dependable. Someone who isn’t quite so reliant on creepy-crawlies, perhaps…
Charly Baltimore
The Movie: The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
The Assassin: Amnesiac schoolteacher Samantha Caine, who discovers some long-forgotten skills from her time as a hired gun for the CIA.
The Odd: She’s a surprising killer in the sense that her brutality (as alter-ego Charly Baltimore) comes as a complete surprise to herself! When an escaped convict attacks her, muscle-memory takes over, and before she knows it, she’s killed him! It’s the dictionary definition of not knowing your own strength.
How Deadly: Very. Not only can she handle a weapon, but she’s well capable of kicking ass with her bare hands…not the sort of teacher you’d want to give any back-chat.
Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd
The Movie: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
The Assassins: A pair of shriekingly camp killers in the employ of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
The Odd: Hmm, where to begin? Well, Mr. Kidd’s horrendous moustache might be a good place to start…yes, you’ve guessed it, Wint and Kidd are lovers, with a shared interest in grisly murder and shockingly contrived badinage. “If God had wanted man to fly, Mr. Wint…” begins Kidd, after blowing up a helicopter, “…he would have given him wings Mr. Kidd,” chuckles Wint, happily. Boom-boom!
How Deadly: Utterly ruthless and very creative. The drowning of Plenty O’Toole in a shallow swimming pool just deep enough to cover her nose (so as to drag it out as long as possible) is particularly deranged.
Miho
The Movie: Sin City (2005)
The Assassin: Miho is a silent, katana-wielding killer, the defender of the city’s Old Town and its resident population of hookers.
The Odd: Another very young, very pretty girl with a penchant for bloodletting. We suppose we shouldn’t be surprised by now, but there you go, we’re old-fashioned!
How Deadly: She’ll have your hand off from fifty paces. Just ask Jackie Boy…wait, you can’t, because she killed him after doing just that. Girl power indeed…
Crying Freeman
The Movie: Crying Freeman (1995)
The Assassin: Yo Hinomura, otherwise known as Crying Freeman, a prodigiously-tattooed badass who always gets his man.
The Odd: After every kill, Crying Freeman lives up to his name by having a good old blub. Bless.
How Deadly: Not to be underestimated. He’ll cry all right, but only after he’s put a bullet in your bonce.
