20 Most Rabidly Patriotic Games

Political Machine 2008
Ubisoft | 2008

The sequel to PM 2004, this PC strategy game enables you to design your own mudslinging Presidential candidate and embark on a soul-crushing campaign for the White House. Political Science majors will love gaining EXP in such categories as speeches, commercial advertisements, endorsements and spin doctoring. Also enables you to meet and compete against former running candidates, including Sen. John Edwards and Mayor Gulliani. Hey - stop rolling your eyes. The democratic process is an impor... screw it. If we can’t shoot a terrorist, then what gives?

Oregon Trail (popular version)
The Learning Company | 1985

If you’re in your twenties, chances are you’ve played this simulation of life as a 19th century pioneer. Besides all the fun you had killing buffalo and naming your party after close friends (ha ha, Alex Orellana died of dysentery!), did you know you were playing a game based on America’s self-professed belief that we were entitled to expand our border to the West from the Atlantic? Yup, you’ve been duped into playing Manifest Destiny: The Game. Sucker.

Acclaim | 1990

Don’t do drugs, kids. No, seriously - a crazed Narcotics agent might just fill your torso with bullets, leaving you dead on a city street paved with the tears of crack babies. This action-er enables you toarrest or violently kill drug dealers, while confiscating money and contraband. In an era full of anti-drug messages (remember the old title screen in arcades?), NARC felt hideously close to playing like America’s first FBI training simulator. Even the NES version had this statement in the instruction booklet:

“Playing NARC is one way to express a stand against drugs. The real test, however, is in your actions. So, spread the word that doing drugs is no longer ‘cool,’ and join Acclaim, Max Force and Just Say No International, in working to become the drug-free generation. Happy gaming.”

American Gladiators
GameTek | 1991

What’s more patriotic than the hit TV show featuring Joe Everyman getting pummeled by a burly beefcake with hilarious action-packed names? Absolutely nothing, you Communist. That’s why some genius, red-blooded American nabbed the rights for publisher GameTek to make some less-than-decent games based off them. Remember: only true patriots where outfits like that. No one wearing flag-decorated spandex is ashamed of Lady Liberty.

Fugitive Hunter
Black Ops | 2006

What’s the number one thing America hates? Terrorists. FH knows that undeniable fact all too well and equips you with the tools (read: guns) to be a one-man terrorist-hunting killing machine in this FPS. You’ll primarily be fighting these liberty-haters in the Middle East and at some points even engage enemies in hand-to-hand combat. Never mind the casual racism, you get to fight Osama bin Laden as the final boss. How patriotic/ridiculous is that?

Microsoft | 2001

Religious extremists threaten humanity's way of life through zealous suicide combatants, a planet-annihilating explosive device and - worst of all - languages and customs different from our own. Government-trained super soldiers who blindly follow orders from anyone with a medal on their chest are the only force standing in their way. People say "give 'em hell" and "booyah" a lot.

The patriotic parallels are clear. Plus, based on the fact that Earth's entire defense force seems to speak in clearly American accents, we think it's safe to declare that - in the future - the Red, White and Blue took over EVERYTHING. Damn straight.

FDNY: American Hero - Fire Fighter
Activision | 2002

Released just months after 9/11, FDNY: American Hero is a fully-licensed budget title placing you in the boots of one rough-and-tumble firefighter. While the 3D gameplay is essentially terrible, the graphics ugly and control scheme leaves little to be desired, some proceeds go towards the New York City Fire Safety Education Fund. Hey, we’re fully behind donations, but at least try making a good game next time, ‘k?

Click on to see the top five unpatriotic games. The bastards...